Page 18 of Terrez and Shalene
“I wouldn’t say it bothers me, but I’d be lying if I said the shit didn’t still hurt like it happened yesterday.” Relaxing into my couch, I took a deep breath before speaking my next words. “You know there are days I can’t answer my dad’s phone calls.”
“Why not?”
Setting the spatula down, Terrez walked over to the couch and sat beside me. His body still smelled like the Dove soap he’d showered with not long ago.
“He’s one of my biggest triggers. When I talk to him, I think about my mom. I haven’t been back to my childhood home since she passed away last year. I can’t walk in that house because I know I won’t be able to keep it together.”
What I’d just told Terrez was something I hadn’t even told Pat. I knew she’d empathize with me as much as she could, but there were some things I felt like she wouldn’t understand. I didn’t know if Terrez would understand, but I felt like he’d have an honest opinion since he was on the outside looking in. My father would be devastated if I admitted this to him. He was dealing with the same loss and maybe even greater pain sincethat was his wife. At a time we were supposed to lean into each other, I couldn’t even do that because the grief was too bad.
“I understand what you’re saying. Your brain associates the two. Your whole life you’ve never seen one without the other. Same thing with going to their house. One of these days, when you’re ready mentally, you should go over there. You and your dad are experiencing the same loss. If you cry as soon as you step over the threshold, I’m sure your dad will be there to hold you. Maybe that’s what your soul needs right now.”
These were the types of responses I was looking for when I tried to talk to Brevin about how I was feeling. He didn’t listen to understand and was so worried about his own happiness that he lacked empathy. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like he simply didn’t have it in him to give. Terrez and I hadn’t known each other more than a month and he was able to comfort me in more ways than one. Not only had he given me emotional support, but he showed on multiple occasions that I was worth genuine love. I knew he didn’t love me, but he cared. That was more than I’d gotten from the man who got on one knee for me.
“Thank you for that,” I said as I wiped my tears. “But enough about me. Tell me about you. I feel like you know so much about me and I don’t even know where you’re from.”
“I’m from Diamond Falls, baby. What else you wanna know?”
“Your parents. Tell me about them.”
“I was raised in a two-parent household. On my sixth birthday, my pops was gunned down while he was walkin’ out the bakery with my birthday cake. I’ll never forget the look on my mom’s face when the police showed up to the door. By the time they came, we had a backyard full of people. The scream my mom let out was one that still haunts me till this day.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Terrez. Did you ever talk to anyone after that? That’s traumatizing for a six-year-old,” I said as I wiped tears from my eyes.
“My mom wasn’t educated on therapy. My grandma was in her ear telling her to pray and that’s what she did. Lookin’ back on it, I wish I would’ve been able to talk to someone, but at the time, I knew my mom was handling the situation the best she could. My mom was a stay-at-home mom with no skills or job experience. My dad was the bread winner and took care of everything financially. Once my mom’s savings account was depleted, she sold the house and we moved in with my grandparents. Eventually she got a job at a call center and we were able to move out. Our new place was in the heart of the hood and that’s when life really started for me. I met my homie who’s more like a brother and the hunger I had to hustle was only amplified.”
“So, you started your street pharmacist career to help your mom?”
“Honestly, it was to help both of us. She was barely keeping her head above water paying rent and the house bills. I’d gone from wearing the new Jordans to off brand shit she was finding at Walmart. Nothin’ wrong with it, but kids can be mean, and I felt that shit at school. Everything had gone to hell. When I was a teenager, one of the older cats gave me my first run and the rest is history.”
Listening to Terrez’s story made me realize how rich I was. Not in money, but in the upbringing my parents provided. They loved and guided me well into adulthood. Even at my age, I knew parenting never stopped. Had my mother not been gone, there would’ve been countless issues I took to her. Terrez’s situation was different though. His father’s life was taken and he was only a child. He was never given the chance to be led by his father and had to find his own way. I applauded him for doing that, but wished he hadn’t had to turn to the streets.
“And how is your mom today? Is she well?” I inquired.
“That lady is just fine. She’s a nurse practitioner now. She went back to school part-time and got into her nursing program with no problem. She worked as a nurse for four years then told me she wanted to go back. I made sure everything was paid for so she didn’t have to take out any more loans and it was money well spent. She got her a nice lil condo and is content. I haven’t been to see her in a couple weeks, so I know she gon’ tear into my ass when I cross her threshold.”
“I don’t blame her. When my mom was alive, I saw her at least once a week, but we talked multiple times a day. I could only imagine how offended she’d be if I went that long without showing my face,” I vented.
“I’m already knowing. Real shit, that’s another reason I’m so drawn to you. I mean, you had a nigga hooked at first sight, but then it became deeper. I know how it feels to lose a parent, so knowing that tender dick ass nigga divorced you on behalf of that pisses me off. Losing a parent or a child is just some pain you don’t get over. I have no respect for that nigga, Shalene, and that’ll never change. Whatever you gotta do because of baby girl is your business, but I’m telling you now, I can’t be around that nigga for shits and giggles.”
The look on Terrez’s face let me know he was dead ass serious about what he’d just said. I felt the same way toward Brevin, so there was no need in countering. Honestly, the only thing he needed to do was be a father. If the conversation wasn’t about Amayah, nothing needed to be said at all.
“I’m ready to eat though. I think you learned about me for the day,” Terrez said as he stood from the couch.
Now that I knew more about Terrez and his background, I felt silly for trying to dismiss him so soon. I still wasn’t down for the street shit, but he seemed serious about washing his hands of it. One thing he was showing me was that sometimes life just dealt you a shitty hand. By the time he was serving my platehousing salmon and grilled veggies, I’d found a movie I thought both of us would have interest in. The rest of our night was filled with light giggles and enjoying the feel of being close to a man. I hadn’t felt this good in so long that I didn’t want to let go.
I was half asleep when the vibration from Terrez’s deep voice stirred me awake. He was standing over me and I was disappointed because I knew he was leaving.
“Will you stay with me tonight?”
“Maybe another time, baby. I don’t normally stay anywhere overnight.”
“Why not? Your apartment is right down the hall.”
“It’s just a comfort thing, love. We’ll work our way up to that. Come lock the door for me.”
Annoyed, I tossed the throw blanket off my lower body and stood from the couch. This was the shit I was talking about. One minute I thought we were making progress, then he did some shit that had me second guessing everything between us.
“You got an attitude now?”
