Page 57 of Lost in Her
“Ethan ...is he really here?”I ask, watching him closely.
His eyes are calm.His breathing is steady.He nods, making my heart both stop and drop.If he’s in this building it means that one, he kept his promise, and two, he’s probably being tortured because of me.All of this is because of me.
“Yes, babe, it’s true.He came for you.”Tristan is a lot calmer than I thought he would be.He doesn’t seem affected by my question at all.
“Where is he?”If he’s here, I need to see him.I need to know that he’s all right, that he’s alive.
“Getting tested.”
What does that mean?Tested?
“What?”I ask, not hiding my confusion.
“He thinks he deserves you, thinks he can do a better job than me.Well, he is proving if he is, in fact, telling the truth.”Tristan is showing me no emotions.This man is going to give me whiplash being so up and down and hot and cold.
“Are you going to kill him?”As the words leave my lips, I feel my entire body stiffen and my heart skips a beat.The thought of living in a world where Ethan does not exist brings me a pain I can’t fully explain.
“Yes, I’m not yet, though.”Tristan watches me closely.He can tell I’m affected by this conversation even if he isn’t.
I take a deep breath.“Tristan,” I whisper, needing to stop him, to convince him to spare Ethan.If he wants me, fine.He finally wins.I will give him me if it means that Ethan will live.
“Babe,” Tristan states, allowing his voice to shake.
“Please let him live.I will do whatever you want, just please don’t do this,” I sob, begging and pleading.If he asks me to get on my knees right now and fucking beg I would.If it meant Ethan wasn’t harmed, I would do anything.And I think he just figured that out.
“You would give yourself for him?”he asks, tilting his head to the side.
“Yes, of course I would.”I answer as quickly as I can.I don’t fucking care that he sees I’m panicking, that I am fucking coming apart right now.None of that matters to me anymore.The only thing that matters to me is Ethan.
“You really do love him, don’t you?”he asks in a curious voice.
“Yes.”I answer just as quickly as I did the last time.
I watch him take another deep breath.I can tell he is processing my words.Will he take the deal?Will he allow me to give myself for Ethan to live?Please, God, please.
“I will have someone come in and clean up the mess.Stay here.Don’t leave this fucking room.”Before I can respond he quickly turns around and heads out of the room, closing the door behind him.
I take a deep breath and feel my entire body relax, even though there is a fucking dead body at the end of my bed on the floor.Even though he didn’t answer me.He didn’t tell me yes, but at least he didn’t say no.Did I just make a deal with the devil?Yes.Do I regret it?No.
Being by myself again makes me feel safe.When Tristan is around, I never know what’s going to happen.When I’m alone, I fucking control what happens to me.
And even though it won’t last that long, I will take it every time.Maybe Tristan will take the deal I have just offered.Maybe he will show me that what he says he feels for me is true.Sparing Ethan’s life would prove to me that he means what he’s saying.
But I know Tristan and the politics of who he is just might get in the way.His ego and pride might get in the way.All I can do is stay here and wait for him to return and pray he gives me this one thing I want more than anything.
Because after all, like I have said, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for Ethan.Even if that thing is giving up my own life for his it would be worth it.
