Page 34 of Lost in Her
Chapter Twelve
Jennifer
I reach over on the bed to feel Ethan, but he is gone.His spot is empty and cold telling me that he hasn’t been by my side in a while.I take a deep breath, feeling my heart already starting to race.
I am worried about him, so fucking worried.What he did for me is something I will never be able to repay him for.People might think I am fucked up for being okay with my boyfriend killing my father.But I am glad he is dead.I wish I was there to see the look on his fucking face when he finally realized it was going to be his last moment.
Boyfriend.I am thinking of Ethan as a boyfriend.The fuck?Boyfriend doesn’t even begin to explain what Ethan is to me.
I slowly sit up and shake my head, my racing thoughts already starting to come back.My body is still going through withdrawals.They come and go.And, honestly, the craving and urge to go use just seems to be getting worse.I should be happy.Happy that my father is not making me get high.But at the same time the high was the only thing that was constant in my life.The only thing I could rely on.And now it is gone and my body and brain hate me for not giving it what it wants more than anything.But my heart wants Ethan, my soul wants Ethan.And I refuse to give into the one thing that would take me from him.
He is fighting so hard to save me from men that are trying to take me from him, the least I can fucking do is make sure my addiction to heroin doesn’t take me from him.I can do this, I know I can.My love for him is stronger than my love for the drugs.
I look around the bedroom.It’s empty.He must not have been able to turn off his thoughts to get sleep.He must not have been able to shake the feeling in his gut that we are not safe.
I know he fears that he just started a war.But the war has been going on for a while, a war that we all have been a part of.
I take a deep breath and grab the sheet, wrapping it tightly around me.I slowly get up from the bed and make my way into the hallway.The apartment is quiet, the only sound I can hear is that damn clock on the wall.
Silence still makes me uncomfortable.I am so used to the chaos, screaming, cussing, and crying that things being this quiet makes me feel like I am living in a dream.A dream that terrifies me because I don’t want to wake up, but I know soon real life will come and slap me across the face.Real life will soon be whispering in my ears, laughing at me, for it sees that I am trying to live a life that will never be mine.
I take a deep shaky breath and tighten the sheet around my naked body.I can still feel Ethan’s breath on my skin, his lips against mine, his fingertips gently moving down my body.He consumes me even when he is not around.He is a dream I never want to wake up from.And I fear that I won’t be able to keep.Just like the rest of my dreams that will never come true.At any moment I feel like he is going to slip from my hands, and I will never be able to get him back.
I slowly make my way down the hallway into the living room and feel the mixture of the hot and cold breeze from the cracked door.Normally I would fucking freak out.But I know it is Ethan.He would never just leave me with the door open.Every second I spent with him is helping me heal from my trauma and understand that not everything is what I think it is and there is nothing to fear with him by my side.
He has proven to me that a man can be trusted.He has crashed through my walls, and I am completely fucking naked and bare with him.There is nothing he doesn’t see.And even if I wanted to put the walls back up, he would just crash through them again.Because we are both addicted to each other in a very toxic and crazy way.Our love is twisted and wrong.And that alone makes me want it even more.
I make my way to the cracked door and gently push it open a little more.Ethan is leaning on the railing wearing only his sweatpants.Showing off his naked muscled back covered in tattoos.He doesn’t have to do anything and he makes my heart stop.
He is looking out at the forest.His breathing is calm and even.He is fucking gorgeous in the moonlight, showing off every one of his muscles and perfect skin.If I didn’t know him, I would think he was a fucking angel.
He is an angel, my angel.My savior in so many ways—even though I still try to push him away.He is always right there waiting and wanting me.He doesn’t sway.His love is as constant as my heroin use was.He is now my daily and minute-by-minute fix.
I make my way out of the doorway and walk up behind him.He doesn’t turn around even though I know he knows I am here.We always know when the other one is near—it is a weird thing, but a feeling I can’t get enough of.
I release my hold on the sheet and wrap my arms around his waist.I rest the side of my face against his warm skin as the sheet falls to the ground.
