Page 33 of Lost in Her
He has built a good life, a life he has allowed me to be a part of, and now I am scared that what happens next will destroy what he has built, and I don’t want that to happen.He deserves to be happy and so does Emory.
I don’t want what I must do to affect them, but I know it will.We are all too close for it not to affect them all.
“I know that you have to become the man you were before we became brothers, just like I had to become who I was before to save Emory.”Even after all these years what went down with Emory’s ex is still very raw and emotional for all of us involved.
I honestly don’t think Shawn or Emory will ever forget about what happened and Shawn will never forget what he did to her ex, but just like me, he did what he believed he needed to do to keep her safe.And she has been safe.He has made sure that everything he does is for her and his family.Shawn might be a criminal, but he is one of the most selfless people I have ever known.
“I will be fine, brother,” I reply, trying my best to reassure him.He has enough to worry about, he doesn’t need to worry about me too.I will be fine.I will be fine.God damn it, Iwillbe fine.
“I hope so, Ethan.Because that woman in there needs you.Emory needs you.And, brother, I need you.And I will not lose you.I can’t.I won’t survive it.”
His words make my heart sink because I know he is telling the truth.We all need each other.But I need my twisted revenge more.In this moment that is what I crave—to see Tristan suffer and beg for his life.
I am as twisted as they come.That is why I know the love and romance I have with Jenn is just as twisted as it can get.The more intertwined we become, the more in love we are, the more twisted it gets.She has me by the fucking balls and doesn’t even know it, or maybe she does.Either way I know what I have to do.And I know it might cost me, but it is a price I am willing to pay even if it’s my life.As long as at the end Jenn is free and my family is safe.That is all that matters.They matter more to me than my own life.
“You won’t, brother, I promise,” I whisper, trying to convince both of us.I don’t break my promises but this time around I don’t know if I will have any control or power over if I will survive or not.But I know he needed to hear the words.He needs me to say them out loud to calm his nerves and to calm my own.
We both turn and look at each other.His eyes are filled with worry and concern.I know he has more to say to me, but I know he won’t.He has said all he is going to say right now.
Shawn is a quiet man, distant and cold sometimes.But with the ones he loves he is like an open wound.And right now, he is an open wound.I can see it on his face.I can hear it in his words.I know him as well as he knows me.
I fear losing him just as much as he fears losing me.He is my brother, my family.But if he has taught me anything it is that there is nothing we won’t do for family.
We have to be willing to give up everything to protect our family even if it means giving up ourselves.I saw this in him when we saved Emory, when I watched him sit by her hospital bed.As I watched the tears leave his eyes as he talked to her and begged her not to leave him.I know that if he could have switched places with her, he would have in a fucking heartbeat.Just like I know I will do for Jenn.
I will give myself up to Tristan if that is what it takes to make sure she is free.Free from the abuse, chaos, and pain she has lived in her entire life.
“I will be by your side when the time comes, Ethan.”Shawn says in a confident voice making my heart sink.No,no.I close my eyes as his words sink in, repeating on a fucking nightmare loop inside my head.
When the time comes ...when the time comes.I will be by your side when the time comes.
“What the fuck you mean?”I ask him, but I already know.This is not fucking happening.He has a wife and family and people who need him.He can’t fucking risk his life for my revenge, not when he has so much to lose.I start shaking my head, feeling my heart race.I don’t give him the opportunity to speak before I am already speaking again.“No, you can’t, Shawn.”
This is who he is—the good guy.The guy who will do anything for his family, would do anything for me.I don’t deserve to call him brother.I have tried to tell him that I am not worth the trouble, that I am a lost cause.But he hasn’t listened thus far, and I doubt he is going to listen to me now.
Shawn is calm.He’s always calm, even when everything is going up in fucking smoke.I think after he lost it when he found Emory and saw what her ex was doing to her he allowed his own darkness to take over for a little while and then afterwards it was as if it disappeared.Like he got all the remaining darkness out of him.And now he is this man standing next to me “Yes, I can and I will.You are my family and I will be by your side.You are not in this alone.Emory wanted to make sure you know that.”Emory must have spoken to him.She is a strong woman—a fucking queen—and she has found her voice, and she is not afraid to use it to put all of us in our places.
But hearing his words still makes my heart speed up.That I mean this much to them.After all these years you would think I would know how they feel about me, but sometimes, like now, it still takes me by surprise.They could walk away.They could wash their hands of me and what is happening, but they won’t.They don’t give up that easily and that is why Emory and Shawn were made for each other.They complete each other.Just like how Jenn completes me.
“She wants you to come with me?”I ask in a low voice, allowing my thoughts to continue to consume me.My deadly thoughts, my never-ending, on a fucking loop from hell thoughts.
He slowly nods.“Yes, of course she does.You’re her family, too, brother.Whatever goes down, I will be by your side.”
“Shawn, I don’t think— ”
He quickly puts up his hand and shakes his head, causing me to stop talking.
“My mind is made up, brother, and nothing you say will change it.”
He doesn’t give me time to respond.He quickly turns and walks away, leaving me alone with my fucked-up thoughts.Leaving me alone to hear his words echo inside my head.
Even if I tried to change his mind it wouldn’t work.He is as stubborn as I am and even though I am more than terrified, I wouldn’t anyone else by my side when shit goes down.We made a promise to each other a long time ago that no matter what happens we will always be here for each other and stand by each other through anything.
A promise I can tell he plans on keeping even if I am trying to get him to break it.
I take a deep breath as I watch him disappear into the darkness.I turn back and look at the forest, leaning forward and resting my arms on the railing.
Things are once again about to change.And afterwards I fear we will be all shattered fucking vases.
