Page 23 of Lost in Her
“I can’t,” Shawn states softly.making my heart sink.
Shawn is the one man in my life who always has everything together.He always seems to know what the right thing is, and I don’t.I only see my rage and anxiety and my fucking control slipping away even now sitting here.It is fucking disappearing, making my heart race and my blood boil.
“Please, Shawn, I need your guidance.I am fucking lost here and all I see is the darkness.I honestly don’t know what the fuck to do,” I plead in a panicked voice.I know he knows what I mean.Because he felt this same way when Emory’s ex took her from him.He lost his fucking shit and that is what is happening to me right now.I am losing my shit and I am becoming more and more undone.I am sinking fast.
“We will figure it out just like we always have,” Shawn promises.How the fuck can he be so calm?Even with Tristan he stayed calm, although I know on the inside he was screaming.He has always been able to put on a good face, being the calm within the storm.Well, I am the fucking storm.There is no calming me, not right now.
Not when the girl I have fallen in love with is thinking about going back to be a fucking sex toy, so willing to give herself back to those that abuse and hurt her.
“This is different,” I force through gritted teeth.My words are true to me—this is different.For me it is fucking different.I have never felt this way before.I have never felt feelings like love for a woman.I never wanted it before.And this time I tried to stop it but in the end it won.And now here I am, fucking bleeding emotions at the worst possible time.
I watch a small smile forced across Shawn’s lips.“You mean she is different.Don’t you?”he asks in a gentle voice, already knowing my answer.Fuck, why does he do that?Why does he look at me and just know.
I slowly nod.“Yes, she is different.”My heart is racing with my answer.
She is my everything now.And the thought of Tristan having her, touching her, claiming her makes me fucking go crazy inside.
“Do you love her?”Shawn asks, tilting his head to the side.Jenn’s are not the only eyes that can see things that are hidden.Shawn knows I love her.He probably fucking knew it before I did.
“Yes.”I don’t need a moment to think about it.It sounds scary and twisted, but I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.The moment she looked into my eyes and looked into my soul.I tried to run from it but the more I did the more I wanted her, the more I needed her.The more I craved and desired her until finally I broke and gave in because I couldn’t fucking take it anymore.
Shawn takes a deep breath and smiles at me “Then that’s all that matters.Nothing else matters, Ethan.”
“What about you and Emory and this place?My choices will affect all of you.”These fucking emotions, man.I have never been good at controlling them, and most of the time I am faking it till I make it, but since Jenn I haven’t been able to fake shit.She’s not the only one feeling everything.
Shawn continues to stare at me.I know that there are a million things running through his head since the encounter with Tristan.“Like I said, all that matters is that you love her.And I will have your back and so will Emory.You know that,” he states calmly.He needs to give me some of his fucking calmness.
“I know.That’s what I am afraid of,” I reply, hearing the anxiety in my voice.Before Shawn, I didn’t fucking care about anyone, only money, power, and drugs.Since meeting him it has all changed.I care about so many people now and they are always in my mind before I act.
I know if our enemies can use them against me, they would, and I never want that to be a fucking option.
“Ethan, you are family.And now Jenn is family.And we protect our family.”He’s not going to change his mind.He is not going to try and change my mind.I know he will be right by my side with whatever I choose to do, no matter if it’s right or wrong.
“Shawn, I don’t think this time will end the way it did before,” I whisper, remembering Emory going to the hospital.For a while we didn’t know if she would make it or if the baby would make it.I saw what that fucking did to Shawn.But at the end we won, and she survived, the baby survived, and we started to build what we have now.
But this feels different.I feel less prepared for this because this time it’s the girl I love in danger.It is my family in danger.Emory has since become like a little sister to me, but, fuck, it is different.A new territory that I am not familiar with.All of this is new for me, and it is shattering me.
“No, probably not.But we will deal with that when it comes.”Shawn takes out his cell phone.I can hear the buzz, but he doesn’t answer it.So many people have been calling.Clients have been calling freaking out and I don’t blame them.
The rumors are spreading about Tristan and who he is and why he came here, and everyone knows that we didn’t give him what he asked for.They need to hear from Shawn and Emory that everything is okay, that everything will be okay.I wish they could tell them it would be okay.That everything will just go back to the way it was, but that would be a lie.And Shawn and Emory will never lie to the clients.Or the community.
“How can you be so calm about this?About me and Jenn?”I ask the question, but I already know what he is going to say.
He takes a deep breath and slowly picks up a picture on his desk.I know which picture it is—the picture we took last summer at the lake house.The picture of Shawn and Emory and their children.He keeps pictures of them everywhere, reminding him what we are fighting for here.Everything Shawn does is for his family.It has been a crazy ride watching him change into the man he is now.But because of Emory and their children he is finally the man he was always meant to be.“Because you look at Jenn the way I still look at Emory.You can’t help who you fall in love with,” he states slowly, setting the picture back down on his desk.
“This is all fucking insane.You know that, right?”I allow a laugh to leave my lips.
He smiles and nods.“Of course it is, but that is our life.Everything is fucking insane and looked at as wrong.”
Tristan’s words start to run through my head.He knows a lot more about me than I do him and that needs to change, and it needs to change fast.“Shawn, I need to go find out who this guy is.”
“Okay.We’ll watch over Jenn.”
His words start to repeat over and over inside my head.He doesn’t try and convince me not to.He just says they will watch over Jenn.Shawn really means what he says about having my back just like I always have had his.He knows that I would die for him and Emory and their kids.There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.Just like there is nothing they wouldn’t do for me.
“Please don’t let her out of your fucking sight.She is stubborn and I know if she can, she’ll go back because she thinks it will save all of us.”I love that she is stubborn, that she challenges me, but I need her to stay here.I need her to be safe as I try to send a message her father and Tristan will never, ever fucking forget.
“I know, brother.She and Emory are a lot alike,” Shawn states, laughing a little.That is no fucking joke.
