Page 22 of Lost in Her
Chapter Seven
Ethan
I sit on Shawn’s couch as I hear Emory talking to Jenn in her office.It took me two days to convince her to stay and not go back to that fucking prick.
Two days of us fighting and making love to each other.We are both unhinged and unable to control ourselves around each other.The more I try to gain control the more it slips out of my fingers.What the fuck is happening to me?We are toxic and loving at the same time.We bring out the best and worst in each other.Like salt and pepper.
I have never met anyone like her before.I see why Tristan wants her.I can see why all the men wanted her.But they didn’t have her like I have.They haven’t seen her through my eyes.To them she is just an object to be owned, but to me she is so much more.
This woman is going to fucking kill me, and I will let her.I won’t fight her.She has awakened something in me, something that can’t be put back again.And I don’t want it to.I want her to fucking consume me and so far she has.She is on my mind every second of every day.
Being a part of her is becoming harder and harder to do.After what happened last time I left her in the apartment, it makes me afraid to leave her.She is so used to men using and leaving her.I never want her to see me that way.I need her to know that I will always fucking come back.I will always come back to her no matter what.
I don’t promise that often, but I want to promise her that, and I want her to hear me.So many men have given her lip service—so much so she doesn’t believe me.She needs reassurance over and over again and, honestly, I can’t blame her.She needs actions from me not words.
So, every moment I can, I am trying to show her that I am real, that my words are real.That I am not lying to her.That I would never fucking lie to her.
I can hear her laughing with Emory.Em always has that effect on clients and people in general—they trust her.And believe her words.Em is able to help people see things in a completely different way, which is why she is so good at her job.But it’s not just that they can tell.We all can tell that she actually fucking cares.And I know that Jenn sees that.That is one of the reasons she was trying to go back.She wanted to protect Emory, Shawn, me, and what we have built.
But what we have built is for her.Her going back is not the right thing and I don’t care who this Tristan guy is or how dangerous he is.I will not fucking give him what he wants.I will go to war with him if I need to.Because she is worth it.She is worth it to me.
I lean forward and put my head in my hands.
I take a deep breath as I run through everything that has happened in the last week and a half.So much has fucking happened.I thought I lived life at a fast pace ...well, I was fucking wrong.My life has gone from zero to a hundred in no time flat.
I can hear Shawn hanging up the office phone.People around the community have heard what happened at the front gate and they are nervous.This is supposed to be a safe place for them and right now they don’t feel safe.And I know Shawn is nervous.Nervous for his family and for what we have built here.
But I also know that deep down inside he knows what I am willing to do to protect Jenn.It is the same thing he was willing to do to save Emory.I still remember the moment we walked into that locked room and saw him on top of her beating her.I saw the look on Shawn’s face as we carved into his body and made him bleed out.
If anyone knows what it feels like to fall hard and fast—if anyone knows what it feels like to love someone even though it is wrong, twisted, and forbidden—it is him.
I can feel him staring at me, but I refuse to look into his eyes right now.All of this is fucked up and wrong.And I don’t know what to do.Normally I do.I keep my power and control.But now my power and control are fucking shattered.
She wants to go back because she thinks it will save me, Shawn, Emory, and this place.But I don’t trust Tristan, her father, or any other fucking prick that has anything to do with wanting to use and abuse her.
If he is as dangerous as she thinks then he is not just going to take her and leave it at that.He has to keep up appearances and we have made him look weak.He is not just going to let that go.I made him fucking look weak.I saw it is his eyes—if he could have killed me right then and there, he would have.
But he is smart ...maybe a little too smart.I don’t know what he is willing to do to get her back, but I know what I am willing to do to keep her, to earn her.
“Ethan,” Shawn states softly.He’s trying to save me from my own thoughts.But right now, I don’t think anyone can save from the war that is happening inside my head.
A war that has continued to get louder and louder.The war that is trying to fucking tear me apart.And I can feel it starting to.Every moment that goes by I feel my power and control slipping the fuck away.And I know I am going to break soon.And when I break, Tristan will know why people fear me.
He will finally meet a true monster.The monster Shawn has helped me lock away deep down inside me, but now I can feel it right underneath the surface.And once it is released, I fear I won’t be able to put it back into the cage.I know if I let it out like I know I need to, it might fucking destroy me.The person I am now will no longer exist.
“Shawn” I lift my head and lock eyes with the man that saved me.The man that now I call my brother.
I watch him search my eyes.I don’t need to tell him about the war inside me, for I see it in his eyes every fucking day.Men like us don’t change.We just learn how to control the monster inside us.That darker side within us.I know Emory has helped Shawn silence his monster.And Jenn is now helping me silence mine.
But what happens when the one thing you are trying to cage is in fact the one thing you need to become to protect everything and everyone you love?
“Brother, what do you need from me?”Shawn asks in a calm voice as he sits back in his chair.
That’s a good question.What do I need?I need my family to be safe.I need Jenn to be safe.I need to get rid of this fucking prick Tristan before something happens that can’t be undone.I need a road map to tell me what the fuck the right thing is to do here because I don’t see the right thing to do right now.I just see what I want to do.
“I need you to tell me what to do” I whisper.trying to hide my pain but it is shining right through.
