Page 12 of Lost in Her
When he looks at me, he doesn’t see a sex slave.He just sees a girl, and right now, that is what I am.I am not Jennifer Copeland.I am just a girl that is wanting—no, fucking needing—this man in front of me needing him in a way like I need air to breathe.He is becoming my lifeline.Fucked up, I know, I know.I just met him, but in our world, we don’t take things slow we don’t process through and decide.If we want something, we go for it.Ethan is not afraid, so at this moment, neither am I, even if it’s only for a few minutes, even if I am lying to myself.It is nice to finally not be afraid.
I feel his tongue against my lips, asking for permission to enter.I open, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth.He tastes so sweet, and the kiss is gentle yet rough.The war in his eyes has now moved throughout him.I can tell he is holding back, trying to keep control.
The kiss tells me that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he craves me.He desires me in a completely different way than the other men in my life.
I close my eyes, allowing myself to get lost in him.My stomach tightens and fills with butterflies all at the same time.
I quickly open my eyes and investigate his.He pulls away, releasing my wrists, “Ethan, I—” I quickly cover my mouth with my hands, knowing what is coming next, what always comes when I don’t have heroin, the thing that saved me but also the thing that makes me suffer when I don’t take it.
Ethan takes a step to the side, not saying a word.I can see it on his face.He has seen this before.He knows without me having to finish my sentence.
I run the short distance to the toilet and fall to my knees in front of it as I had done before.
I start to throw up again.My body once again starts to shake, Ethan’s warmth no longer keeping my body at bay.I feel empty and cold without him against me.The same feeling, I have had all my life.
I feel his hand wrap around my stomach, and his other hand grabs onto my hair, pulling it out of the way as more tears escape my eyes.My stomach feels the pain of the withdrawals.
I feel him kneel behind me.His chest wis now against my back, the warmness at once spreading across my skin.I feel my body beginning to relax a little, or at least as much as it can, as I throw up the rest of what is in my stomach.Soon, there will be nothing left.He tightens his arm around my stomach, keeping me in place as I grab onto the sides of the toilet.
I feel beyond embarrassed by what just happened, but also, right now, with his arms around me, I feel safe for the first time in my entire life.
****
After an hour of throwingup and shaking, my stomach is finally starting to calm down, but I only know that the throwing up has stopped because there is nothing left in my stomach.As soon as I try and eat or drink anything, this will start all over again.
Ethan gently places a wash rag on my neck as I rest my forehead on the toilet seat, trying to catch my breath.I have only had to go through withdrawals a few times.My father learned quick to always have heroin on hand for me, but the times he forgot about me, I paid the price for the temporary escape.I have learned quickly, that I hate my body.I hate who I am, paying the price for me needing more drugs.When you learn about drugs in school, they tell you to say no, they tell you to stay away.But what they don’t teach is how easy it is to say yes, when it is the only thing that allows you to look yourself in the eyes.Drugs for me have been my everything, they are my safety net, my safe place, but with that I have paid a heavy price of losing whoever I ws suppose to be.
I know now I am paying a whole new price.Withdrawals.Because I escaped my abusive father, and he has drugs.What a fucked-up story.Either I stayed and got more drugs and got abused and raped, or I escape.And now I suffer through the withdrawals.My brain and body are screaming at me to get more.
It is a lose-lose situation.No matter what I do, I am not in control, and I have no power.I might have escaped my father for right now, but I know he and his men are out searching for me, and my father has friends and clients in very high positions.It won’t take him long to find me, and when he does, I will pay the price.The punishment for me running will be big.and I honestly don’t know if I will survive it.
My father will torture me and use me, but then he will give me to his friends and clients and let them do anything and everything they want to.He has no boundaries or lines for what they can do to me.If they pay him the right price for it, there are no limits.
I take a deep breath as I feel Ethan lean down.He gently picks me up into his arms.My arm hangs over his as I rest my head against his chest.I take a deep breath, letting his rain smell take me away as I close my eyes.I feel him walking through the apartment, holding tightly onto me.
My tears continue to roll down my face as I allow my situation to sink in.I escaped one hell, and now I feel like I am in another.I have been on heroin since I first started doing porn takes, so for the last fourteen years, it has run through my veins, allowing me not to completely feel what was being done to me.
The heroin gave me an escape and made my father feel better, knowing if I was loaded, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight.I tried at the beginning to fight him, to fight them, but the more drugs my father gave me, the less fight I put up.Heroin has been my savior in a way, taking away my pain and making me numb to everything and everyone.
But now, without it, I feel empty, and I feel everything.The bruises, the cuts, the chain marks that are so fresh I can barely stand touching them.I wanted to scream when Ethan grabbed onto my wrists, but when he held them, I felt a mixture of pain and pleasure.How fucked up is that?
I shouldn’t be surprised that I am turned on by the pain.I have been raised to like fucked up shit.I thought it was all my father who was making me do things that I would never do on my own, but now I am starting to realize that maybe some of the dark desires are actually deep down inside me, and my father was just the one to bring it to the surface, which sounds even more fucked up.
