Page 19 of Lost in Her
He told me he would be back.He told me.I believed him.He told the truth—he is back—so why I acting like this?Why am I so unhinged?It’s because I am fucking sober, that’s why.It is because for the last fourteen years I wasn’t sober and now I am, and I’m fucking feeling everything and, honestly, I don’t know what I am feeling.I don’t know what I am doing, and I don’t know who the fuck I am.
“Jennifer, I’m sorry,” Ethan says in a pained voice, making my heart ache.
He takes another step towards me which makes me take another step back right into the wall.
I shouldn’t act like this.I shouldn’t be mad at him, but I am.I am because he is the one that made me feel like this—wanting him, needing him.Then he fucking left me just like everyone else has left me, left me with my father, left me alone with those men.
Everyone leaves me.I can’t take it from him.I can’t fucking take it.
“Leave,” I state as sternly as I can.
Ethan’s eyes widen.“What?”he asks in the same pained voice.Making my heart ache even more.
“Leave!”I scream, pointing at the door.
I feel the cold wall against my back as I slowly slide down the wall.As my butt hits the ground, I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms tightly around my knees.
“Please, Ethan, just go.You’re going to leave me anyways, just do it now.Just get it over with,” I whisper, allowing the tears to escape and roll down my face.
“Jennifer,” he whispers as he slowly makes his way over to me.I want to back away, but I can’t.The wall is stopping me so I do the only thing I can do—I tighten my arms around my legs as I watch him kneel in front of me.
“I am not going anywhere.I’m sorry.I didn’t mean to be gone that long.”He is calm, kind, and gentle, even after I just freaked out on him for no reason.
I don’t respond, I just continue to look into his eyes.I honestly don’t know what I need right now but I do know that I don’t really want him to go.I just said it because I was pissed, pissed at myself more than him.Being sober, being normal, shouldn’t be this fucking hard, but it is hard for me.
I don’t know how to act or be or what the fuck to do with myself and when Ethan is not here, I feel like I am losing myself, and he is my only foundation.I’m scared.
I take a deep breath.“I’m scared, Ethan,” I tell him in a shaky voice.
I have been locked up, used and abused for so long that honestly, I don’t know how to act.I am only used to men wanting my body or wanting to harm me that I don’t know what to do with Ethan being like this.
“Honey, I am right here.”I close my eyes.I feel his hands and strong arms.He gently but easily pulls me into his arms.I grab onto his shirt and shove my face into his chest as he stands up and makes his way across the room.
He slowly takes a seat holding me tightly in his arms.He acts as if I weigh nothing, that holding me is the easiest and most natural thing to him.I take in a deep breath, once again becoming consumed by his scent.I feel my heart starting to slow down and my body begins to relax and melt against his body.
Ethan leans in and gently places his lips against my ear.“I’m sorry I left, he whispers, his breath warming my cold skin.
I don’t respond, just take another deep breath as I listen to his steady heartbeat.
“I will never leave you, Hon, never,” he confesses with so much confidence I feel more tears escape my eyes.
“Promise?”I ask, pulling back from his chest.
I lock eyes with him, and he slowly nods.“I promise.”he reassures with just as much confidence that it makes my heart ache for a whole new reason.
I believe him.
I trust him.
“What happened?”I ask the question, but I am scared to know the answer.
Whatever happened kept him away for hours which means it wasn’t something good, and the way he looked when he walked into my apartment tells me that he is worried.
He takes a deep breath and leans forward resting his forehead against mine.We both sit in silence.I can tell he is trying to find the right words.And I am trying to have the patience for the answer.
“Tristan Pierce,” Ethan whispers.
I feel my entire body stiffen.My heart stops.My breathing stops.Ethan slowly pulls back and studies my face for a moment.
