Page 14 of The Question of Us
“You broke up with him because he asked you to move in together,” Samuel continued.
My heart stuttered in my chest and I almost couldn’t breathe. “He told you about that?”
Samuel gave me a knowing look. “Yeah. Didn’t expect that, did you?”
“He—” I swallowed hard. “He never said a word about it to me.”
“Mmm.” Samuel’s eyes narrowed. “That’s because he would never sayanythingbad about you, even when he was hurting. So, imagine how hurt he’d have to be to talk to me.”
I didn’t have to imagine. I knew.
Samuel continued, “I wanted to tear you limb from limb that day. Davis had been ridiculously excited about the idea when he first mentioned it to me, so sure you’d feel the same way. I’d never seen him so happy... and then so broken.”
A tide of guilt rose in my chest to choke my throat and I had to look away, my cheeks on fire. “I was a different person back then.” I spun my coffee cup in a slow circle. “It was so unexpected. To be honest, I hadn’t dreamed he’d want to stay with me. I’d always thought we had a limited shelf life. That I was just lucky to have him while I did. I was scared, okay?”
Sam snorted. “You were a total fucking arsehole was what you were,” he corrected, and rightly so. “You refused to even discuss it with him. Accused him of changing the rules of all things. He loved you and you threw it back in his face.”
My vision blurred around the edges, a humming starting in my ears. “I was wrong, I know. I’m not proud of it.”
“Damn right you were wrong.” Samuel’s voice rose. “You’re lucky Davis forgave you. Not sure I would’ve, if I’m honest.”
“I apologised,” I protested.
“Only because he turned up on your doorstep and forced a conversation, remember? Like he always did when things got heated between you two. He stepped up, whereas you rarely had to. Must be nice.”
I did remember. I wiped a hand over my damp cheeks and finally looked up. “I loved him, Samuel. I still do. And it wasn’t always like that. I learned to trust his feelings for me. It took time, but I got there.”
Samuel sighed and pulled his chair closer. “I know you did. And I’m not saying you’re the same person you were back then. Both of you changed over the years. You helped him too. You grew into each other, softened each other’s edges. But you get why he didn’t tell you about what he was doing, don’t you? About Lachlan and Justin?”
Of course I did. “If he’d mentioned it, the issue would’ve devolved into a big fight. I’d have been furious that he was putting himself in danger for the sake of a damn book.”
“No,” Samuel amended. “For the sake of hisprofessional integrity.”
“Yeah, okay.” I pulled a face, hating that he was right. “But I just wanted him safe. You two were lucky. You grew up in a family that loved you. You trusted that those people would be there for you. That fights didn’t always end in violence or someone walking out of your life.” I choked at the memory, my mother’s desperate face pressed up against the passenger window as she’d been driven away.
Samuel laid a hand on my arm. “Take a breath.”
I took two just to be safe. “Davis was the first man I ever loved and the only person who ever loved me as an adult. I barely remember my mother’s love. And my father? Well, whatever that was, it wasn’t love. I didn’t grow up believing that I deserved love or that it would always be there for me like you did. Even if my mother did love me, it didn’t stop her from leaving, did it?Which is why I ran scared when Davis wanted us to live together. I’d hoped, even fantasised about a future like that. But when he said the words out loud, the thought of it not working out, or of him leaving, was just too fucking terrifying. Even when we were finally living together, I was still looking over my shoulder for the other shoe to drop. Still living in fear that it was all going to blow up in my face. Overcoming that took years.”
Samuel met my desperate stare with a troubled one of his own. “I hate to tell you, but I think you’re still doing it, or rather, you’re doing it again.”
The truth of his words hit like a punch to my heart. “Oh fuck. I am, aren’t I?”
Samuel nodded. “God love you, Nick, but you can bethemost stubborn arsehole at times. Yes, you had a crap start in life but that’s no excuse for thinking everything always has to circle around you and your fears. Davis’s choices were about him and his work. Work, which meant the world to him, as you well know. But instead of believing that you’d support him in what he was doing, he worried you wouldn’t understand. I don’t agree with what he did, but I do understand why.”
So did I, as hard as that was to stomach.I didn’t say it out loud, but Samuel must’ve seen something in my face.
His hand reached for mine and he squeezed gently. “And in case I haven’t made myself clear—” He waited until my gaze shifted back to his. “Madigan wanting to go to Australia to see this thing through is also notabout you.”
I groaned. “Gazza told you everything, I see.”
Samuel nodded. “Going to Australia is about whatMadiganwent through and whatheneeds to do to feel okay. It’s about his trauma and his decisions. Would my professional side rather he didn’t? Hell yeah, it would. I don’t want him anywhere near those people, but I also know I have zero chance of stoppinghim if that’s what he’s set on. I see all sorts of fucked-up shit potentially coming my way as a result, but that’s not the point.”
“It’s too dangerous,” I argued. “We’re talking about the men responsible for Davis’s death and who knows how many others.”
“Exactly.” He arched a brow. “A little like you pursuing the mystery around Davis’s accident, right?”
I sighed. “Let’s just say it’s been said before.”
