Page 120 of True Honey
He watched me for a second longer before taking his leave. I sat in my car and cried for nearly twenty minutes, trying to get it all out before returning to the Nest. August would be home, probably sleeping still and I could get the car parked before starting the fight with him.
I started the engine finally, looking up at the stadium one last time with the feeling that I needed to apologize to it. I wish it could have been different. I wished I could be better.
The gates to the Nest were open and I parked the car close to the door so I could easily get everything inside before they finished practice. I left my purse and the keys instead hoping that it wouldn’t take forever and we could be on the road.
I wandered into the apartment into the bedroom for the duffle not bothering to stop to wake August. Pack first. Fight later.
“What are you doing?” Silas is standing in the bedroom in a full pressed dark suit. The one he had picked out for this morning’s meeting. He was angry, his sharp jaw pressed tightly and his gray eyes darker than I’d ever seen them. He was painfully handsome and it forced me to close my eyes in a shallow breath.
“I came home to grab a sweater,” I lied, moving toward the closet.
“It’s ninety degrees outside,” he said quietly, his eyes never leaving me.
“It’s cold in the stadium,” I tried but it only made him more upset as I wandered inside and started to look around, ashamed that all my clothes were in the duffel on the floor.
“Can you… can you stop for a second?” Silas’s voice was low and calmer than I deserved. I got down on the floor and dug through my duffle, searching for a sweater and trying not to cry. “Drew.” He raised his voice but not enough to scare me.
My shoulders slumped forward and I pressed my hands into the carpet to ground myself. The silence was deafening, so loud I could hear my heartbeat inmy ears. I had let him down and worse, he had caught me trying to run away before he even had a say.
“I didn’t believe him,” Silas said, cutting the silence. “He had to beg me and I didn’t believe him.” He was talking about August, it was clear by his tone of voice. “I didn’t think after everything that you would do this,” he said. “This isn’t you.”
“You have no idea who I am,” my voice was warning. He was pushing too hard and it wasn’t going to get us anywhere. I didn’t even have an idea of who I was. How was I supposed to explain it to another person? He knew what he wanted to know, what had interested him… what looked good to his family and friends.
No, that's bullshit. He sees you.
“What’s going on Drew? And don’t lie to me.” He said, and I could hear the hurt in his voice when he said it.
I chewed on my lip, unable to face him.
“It’s nothing, it’s just time for us to go.” I explained.
“Go where?” Silas asked.
“This is what we do, you knew that.”
“Why won’t you look at me? Talk to me!” Silas said. “All you have to do is talk to me!”
I turned to look at him, “you can’t fix this.”
“I don’t want to fix it,” he sighed, still standing at the edge of the closet. “I want to understand it!”
“I can’t—” I opened my mouth and stopped.
“Please." Silas dropped to his knees in front of me, the fabric of his dress pants stretching over the expanse of his thighs. “Try.”
The way he said it broke my heart, it was soft and whiny. Like he needed the explanation to continue breathing. Honesty was the best route.
“I’m not good enough for you Silas,” I said it, blunt and true, watching him flinch backward. He opened his mouth to talk but I shook my head, my jaw clenched tightly and my nose itchy as I held back tears.
“You have to be kidding me?” He fell forward on his thighs, his fingers curling into the fabric like he was resisting reaching out. “Is that what you think?”
“It’s not a conclusion I came to on a whim,” I sighed.
“It’s not a conclusion at all,” Silas balked. “Did you ever think just once, maybe you should ask me how I felt about you? Like really felt?”
“What? Between all the secrets and drunk sex?” I felt like screaming. This wasn’t going to end the way he wanted.
His jaw ticked. “On the bike, at the stadium, at breakfast, dinner, the table, the events. Drew, do you really think that’s all this is? After everything?”
