Page 121 of True Honey
“I’m just a travelling waitress, with a son and a diseased brain Silas, you’re—you. Doctor, best friend, brother, son. You spend everyday coming up with new ways to help everyone, no one forgotten, no one left behind. You need someone who can take care of you. Someone who isn’t sick. You’re incredible at every turn and all I’m going to do is drag you down. My brain is never going to get better, it’s always going to come back around. It sounds manageable now but it turns to resentment.”
“Don’t you dare compare me to him,” Silas said sharply.
“I don’t blamehim,” I argued, “I turn into a shell, there's nothing there. It’s a black hole and it will destroy everything. Just let me walk away, let me handle it.”
“Whatever the hell he drilled into your head, it’s bullshit Drew.” He surged forward, taking my face in his hands.
“It’s not.” I shook my head in his grip. “I’ve seen what it does and I can’t stop it. It comes in and it destroys everything I’ve built without remorse. I won’t let it destroy—”
“Us.” He said sadly, rolling his tongue against his teeth. “So I don’t get a say? You're just going to leave without a word.”
“You deserve better.” I argued. “You deserve to be looked after.”
“Ha,” Silas chuckled, it was hollow and defeated. “One selfish thing. I never would have been able to do that before you. I never slowed down enough to think about myself. You did that.”
I shook my head, “you’re only ever selfish for the bare minimum. A kiss, a touch.”
“That's because the one selfish thing I do want,scares you.” Silas’s tone dropped, “you aren’t allowed to leave me. Ineedyou, that’s selfish. I need you more than you need isolation. How's that for the bare minimum?”
He had played the card well and as much as it stung, he had asked… no, he had demanded what he wanted from me.
“You got what you needed Silas,” I said trying to control my tone, “I have enough money for August and I to go, and you got the shares.”
“No I didn’t,” he snapped.
“What?” I stopped. “What did you do?”
“August came to me, he knew you needed me and I came.”
“Why would he… why would you do that?” My voice trailed off in shock. All that time spent working towards one thing. We were doing it for that and he just… walked away.
“You really don’t see it?” He whispered, his voice strained and frustrated, “all this time you thought— did you ever believe a word I said?”
I wanted to say yes, but that tiny doubtful voice was loud.
“Drew,” Silas hummed, “you asked me to keep reminding you,” he inched closer.
“That was different,” I argued.That was sex.
“No it wasn't. Here’s me,reminding.” Silas stopped me, “It started as a deal, Drew. But it hasn't been about that for a long time and you know it. I don’t care howoftenyou need me to be there, I don’t carehowyou need me to be there. We can lay in bed for a week, we can stand in the shower for an hour, sit on the fucking kitchen floor and eat nothing but pancakes drunk off our faces. If it makes the noise quiet I will do anything you need. I’m not trying to cure you or rid you of it. I love you for all the dark corners and what you hide in them.”
I stared at him, trying to catch my breath.
“I love you.” He said, his voice more confident that time. “Say it back.”
“It won’t last,” I said, unable to oblige. “Look at how horrible this is now… how much I’m hurting you.”
“Drew I don’t give a shit about that,” he scoffed. “You tell me what you need, what usually helps. I’ll see you through it and then—” He stopped himself. “Let me remind you how perfect you are, maybe eventually it will start to sink inand you’ll believe it but until that day comes. I’ll keep my promise, I’ll keep reminding you. To stay, to smile, to love, to laugh.”
His fingers dug into the edges of my jaw and pulled my face against his.
“Every morning, every night. You need it, I’ll be here. But you can’t shut down when you get scared, you have to promise not to run away. You get in that bed,with me, and I'll see you through it.” He paused, watching me, “and before you say it, I know you feel it. I could see it on your face that night, you love me too. You’re just too scared to admit it because it means you have to take a risk.” He said, “it means you have to trust something over that fickle, mean brain of yours.”
My eyes fluttered just trying to keep the tears at bay.
“Say. It. Back.”
I love you.
