Page 79 of Lovesick
“Then why didn’t she leave Jim?” Ellie countered. “Why torture him and us? No, Mama didn’t know anything about love. Didn’t understand love. What she thought was love was addiction. Desperation.”
I had no answer to that. Ellie and I had gone to therapy for over a year after Bethany got custody of us. I’d continued intermittently through college. Ellie had stopped the moment Bethany let her, but her insights always impressed me anyway.
“What else did Mama say?” I asked.
Her expression darkened. “Nothing.”
“She—”
“What’s going on?” Ellie demanded. “Tell me, Lizbeth. You have me all freaked out. We haven’t talked about Mama in years.”
The reply stalled in my throat.Because I’m afraid I’ll end up just like her.
“I care about JJ,” I whispered.
Ellie didn’t seem fazed, and that frightened me. Was I so transparent? Did he see it? He must—why else would he show me such lovely affection?
Would it be a bad thing if he knew?
The waitress handed me another warm mug of tea and turned to Ellie, who shook her head and waved her off. It bought me a few seconds to pull my scattered heartstrings back together.
“And?” Ellie asked.
“And I ... I don’t want to end up like Mama.”
“You’re afraid that if you commit to someone you’ll end up like her?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“JJ doesn’t believe in romance.”
She stared at me in puzzlement, then her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open.
Before she could argue, I held up a hand. “Hold on. Don’t jump to conclusions. I wouldn’t say noto JJ just because he doesn’t believe in romance like I do. I know that romance isn’t everything, it’s just...”
Unsure of how to finish that thought, I let it trail away.
Ellie leaned back, the pad of her thumb running over the top of her mug. She regarded me, then asked, “And has it been romantic with JJ?”
“Well ... no. And definitely yes.”
Her brow furrowed. “What?”
I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know, Ellie! I’m so confused. All the things that were supposed to be romantic didn’t really feel that romantic. There are moments I care so much about him I could choke, but they’re never the times I expect.”
“So?”
“So?” I cried. “So what if I fall for him even harder? What if we get into a relationship and the romance fades and it all falls apart and I turn into Mama? Or worse—what if I turn JJ into Dad?”
Ellie blinked twice. “Just because Mama was a mess over romance doesn’t mean you’re going to live her life.”
“I’ma mess over romance, Ellie! I remember her obsession with romance. She read books as fast as I did. Watched the movies with me. Convinced me that romance was the only way to be safe.”
“And it’s not?”
“No! Maybe. I don’t know. Real life is different. It’s not what she told me it would be. While parts of my time with him are wonderful, some of it isn’t. It frightens me because I’m not sure what to believe anymore. What’s real?”
