Page 80 of Lovesick
“Your feelings for him must be real.”
“They are, and I care for him.”Maybe love him.I tucked the traitorous thought away for later. “Maybe Mama felt that way about Dad at first. About Bethany’s father. About Trevor. When it comes to romance, Mama and I ... we’re practically the same person. That side of Mama lives on in me.”
And it may have been her darkest legacy,I silently added.
To that, Ellie had nothing to say. Finally, she reached a hand across the table and grabbed mine. Uncertainty—even fear—lurked in the depths of her bright, glacial eyes.
“I don’t know what to say, Lizbeth. I’m sorry. I’m not great at this. But I just don’t think you’re doomed to be like Mama because you love romance. You’re not Mama.”
“Maybe not,” I whispered. “But what if I’m enough like her that I destroy everyone who’s important to me? What ifromanceis what drove her to make all the decisions she did? I’m not ... I’m not even sure romance is real anymore.” I looked away. “Not the way I imagined it. Maybe it’s just been a crutch. A place to hide.”
Until I said the words, I didn’t realize how deeply they’d bothered me. Pricking thorns on my soul. Festering wounds. The devastation in my heart left me breathless. Romance in real life was breathtaking and exciting, but also treacherous. Although the books described anguish and heartbreak, it never felt real to me until now.
Romance was more than just hope—it was agony. Duality. A double-edged sword. As dark as it was bright, as bloody as it was holy. As menacing as it was comforting.
How had I been this naive? How had I come this far in life, lauded for my intelligence, but still holding on to such a ridiculous farce? Books. Movies. Stories I’d relished to the depths of my bones. Had the music, the costumes, the ideas in my head somehow hidden the truth?
That love broke as much as it restored?
“I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say,” Ellie whispered.
With warmth, I gripped her hand and mustered a smile that seemed to appease her a little. “Thank you. I just needed to know that I hadn’t made this up. That this side of Mama was real. You said all the right things.”
“Mama was lovesick, Lizzy,” she whispered. “And she let it rule her. Don’t do that, and you’ll be fine. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Do you need a ride back to Adventura?”
I shook my head. “JJ was doing something somewhere. He’ll text me when he’s done and take me back with him.”
Ellie hesitated as if to say something, then decided against it and gave me a little smile. “Then I better go. I have class tomorrow and homework to finish. Keep me updated, okay?”
I nodded. With that, she squeezed my hand, grabbed her car keys, dropped five dollars on the table, flipped the bird to the two men still staring at her, and slipped outside.
I gazed at the door through which she’d left, my mind whirling.
26
JJ
An order of fifty éclairs of many colors and flavors accompanied me into Le Grand Boulangerie in the middle of Jackson City. The warm smell of yeast and sugar filled my nose.
Two men stood behind the counter of the eclectic shop decorated with lights, mason jars, and pastries. One of them let out a cry when he saw me.
“Those must be the éclairs!” Grant squealed with a flap of his hand. “Our final test. Get over here, J-man. Let’s see them.”
I gently slid the box toward them.
“The conquering hero returns,” Immanuel drawled.
Immanuel and Grant, newlywed owners of the bakery, opened the éclairs. Of the two, Immanuel was the pickiest. He had a sharp nose, a broad face, and a constant five o’clock shadow. His personality was as prickly as his appearance, but he reminded me so much of my dad that we’d ended up friends.
Grant was sunshine to Immanuel’s sharpness. He smiled constantly, and his moonbeam-blond hair only heightened the effect.
Immanuel inspected the éclairs visually first. He twisted the box to the left, then right. Peered up close, then stepped back. Grant tried to reach for one, and Immanuel slapped his hand away.
“Uniform,” Immanuel said with a quick glance at me. “Impressively so. Choux pastry is hard to predict and get right. Particularly at altitude.”
