Page 226 of Falling for You
I push my way through the fire exit. It swings open and thwacks the outside wall with a bang and I fall through it. As soon as I step outside, icy, winter air wraps around my body and snatches my breath away, but I don’t care. Nate is sitting on a wooden bench, right in the corner of the smoking area, fairy lights glittering around him. I can hear traffic roaring past on the road outside, and the distant sirens. But out here it’s just us, and as I stare at him, trying to work out what to say, it feels deathly silent.
‘Do you want a cigarette?’
He catches me off guard. ‘You don’t smoke, do you?’
Nate shakes his head. ‘No. I don’t have any cigarettes either … we’re just … well,’ he gestures around, ‘in a smoking area.’
We drop into a silence which seems to stretch across eternity. It’s unbearable.
‘Nate,’ I say, walking towards him.
‘Please,’ he says, staring down at his phone. ‘It’s fine. I just want to be alone.’
My heart thuds. He sounds so different to the Nate I was with at the weekend. His voice has lost its spark, its sense of fun and excitement. It sounds flatter now. He sounds tired.
It was easy not to miss him when I was angry at him,when I was convinced that he had fed me a string of lies. But now that I know he hadn’t … fuck, I feel like I might die if I don’t speak to him, if I don’t make this right.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, wrapping my arms around my body as the chill nips at my skin. ‘But, like, you can see why I thought …’ I trail off, hoping he might say it’s all fine and he can see where I’m coming from and we can go back to how we were before, laughing with each other. So comfortable around each other. But he doesn’t, he just stays tapping on his phone. It’s like I’m not here at all.
‘Nate …’ I say gently, desperate for him just to look at me, ‘Nate … I …’
‘Yes,’ he says, his voice flat. ‘I can see why you’d see a bra and women’s clothes and that stupid note and assume I’d been with another woman.’
Relief ripples through me. ‘Exactly! So—’
‘But why didn’t you stay and ask?’ His eyes flick up to mine and I flinch. They’re not just angry, they’re hurt.
‘I was in the shower,’ he says. ‘I would have been out in five minutes. Like, do you not know me at all? We’d just spent all that time together – how could you think of me like that? I thought the world of you. I thought you felt the same way I did.’
The last bit tumbles out of his mouth and I feel a lump form in my throat.
‘I’m sorry …’
‘And you didn’t even give me a chance to explain!’ he cries. ‘You just left and blocked me. You acted as if I didn’t exist – how could you do that?’ He eyes me, and when I don’trespond he shakes his head. ‘It’s fine. I just guess I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did.’
‘I’m sorry …’ I say again, my voice weak. ‘I just thought … I’ve had guys do this to me before, I just thought …’
‘You thought I was like everyone else?’
It’s like he’s got hold of my heart and is slowly pulling it out of my body, ready to crush it between his fingers.
I nod, tears brimming at the corners of my eyes. Because now I see him again, it’s like the clouds in my mind have all parted. Because of course he isn’t like everyone else. This is Nate. The guy who somehow makes me feel whole, even though we didn’t even know each other a few weeks ago.
I open my mouth to speak but he gets there first.
‘It’s fine,’ he says coldly. ‘I’m going back to New York on Monday anyway.’
My stomach drops. ‘Monday?’ I repeat.
‘Yup. I’ve just booked a flight.’ He looks up at me, daring me to question him or to ask him to stay.
But … I can’t.
‘Right,’ I say. ‘And … are you coming back?’
He shakes his head. ‘Nah. This isn’t the place for me. I need to go back home. I better go back in.’ He gets to his feet. ‘Good luck with everything, Annie. I’m sorry for getting so angry,’ he adds, and for a second I see a glimmer of the fun, caring Nate I spent the weekend with. ‘Thanks for making my time here fun, I really did love it the most when I was with you.’
He goes to walk past me and I grab his arm. ‘Wait!’ I cry, my heart beating outside of my chest. ‘Is that it? You can’tjust leave! I know I screwed up, but don’t you want to fight for us?’
