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“No, you shouldn’t,” he said, tightening his hold on me. “You should stay right here with me because I’m your best friend and I love you and there’s nobody else I want to play with.”
That made me cry harder.
Because I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Because I did a bad thing to Hugh.
I couldn’t explain the horror I felt.
I was bad.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.
“Why are you crying?” Caoimhe asked when she walked into my bedroom that evening. “Liz?”
“Go away,” I hissed in between sobs, while I buried my face in my pillow and tried to stop the world from spinning. Because it hurt. Everything was hurting me, and I needed it tostop.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded, not listening.
Why didn’t she listen?
Why didn’tanyonelisten to me?
“I said go away, Caoimhe,” I choked out, louder now, as the anger growing inside me threatened to take over. “Leave me alone!”
“No.” She still didn’t listen. “Not until you tell me why you’re wailing like a banshee.”
“Because I didn’t know, Caoimhe!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, losing all control of my feelings. Springing up on my bed, I grabbed my pillow and flung it at her. “I didn’t fucking know!”
“What?” my sister demanded, looking alarmed. “What didn’t you know?”
“Get out of my room, you fucking bitch!” I screamed—louder than I ever had in my life. “I’m warning you!”
“Whoa, fuck you right back,” she spat. “Sorry for caring. More fool me for caring enough to come check on you, you crazy, little bitch.”
“Nobody told me!” I screamed, pulling on my hair so hard a clump of it came away in my hand. So I threw that at her, too. “And it hurts, and it’s not making me better, and it’s all your fault!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” my sister demanded, looking at me with a horrified expression. “Lizzie Young, you better cop yourself on right this instant and stop pulling your hair!”
She reached out a hand to grab my hand, and that’s when I lost it. “I fucking hate you!” Launching myself at my big sister, I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her onto my bed. “This is all your fault!” Using all my strength, I scratched and tore at her face with my nails. “You did this to me! It was you!”
“Dad!” Caoimhe started to scream as she tried to fight me off her. “Dad, help me! Dad, quick! The demented freak is attacking me!”
“Fuck you!” Tightening my grip on her hair so she couldn’t run away, I straddled her chest and kept tearing at her face. “You let the monster in!” I scratched her again, deep enough to make blood come out. “You let the monster play tricks on me!”
“Lizzie!” I heard my father roar, and then he was dragging me off my sister. “What in the name of Jesus is wrong with you?” he demanded, holding me so tight to his chest that I couldn’t break free. “Stop it, will ya?”
“She just attacked me, Dad.” Scrambling to her feet, Caoimhe held her face in her hands and burst into tears. “She’s fucking insane.”
“It’s her fault, Daddy,” I tried to protest through my screams as I pointed to my sister, while he held me off the ground in a ferocious bear hug. “She let the monster get me!”
“What’s happening?” Mam demanded, coming into my room. “What’s going on, girls?”
“What’s happening is this girl needs a tranquilizer,” Dad snapped, wrestling to keep ahold of me. “I’m having her committed, Catherine.”
