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I certainly needed to fuck something up.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, I stood up on shaky legs and inhaled deeply. “Listen, all you need to know is I didn’t put a hand on her, Mam. I wouldn’t, okay? I’m waiting for her… I mean, Iwashappy to wait.”
“But?”
“But she didn’t want to.”
“Didn’t want to what, Hugh?”
“Wait for me.”
Awareness dawned on my mother’s face, and I could feel the sympathy floating out of her heart and into mine. “Oh, baby.”
“Don’t say anything,” I half warned, half begged. “I don’t want you to think badly of her.”
Tears filled Mam’s eyes. “I wouldn’t do that, love.”
“I don’t want anyone else to think it, either.”
“Okay, love.”
“Because she’s sick, Mam, and whatever she did, shewouldn’thave done it if she were herself.”
“Oh, Hugh.”
“Please. I don’t want it getting out, Mam,” I admitted, rubbing my jaw. “And definitely not back to Claire. So, please just…just put it in a box in the back of your mind and forget about it.” Knees bopping restlessly, I added, “Because Liz needs this place.” I inclined my head to where the three of them were nestled up. “She needs you and Claire.”
“And you?” Mam watched me carefully. “What do you need, Hugh?”
Her.
I shook my head. “I can’t think about that right now.”
“You’ll make up,” Mam called after me when I moved for the doorway. “You’ll find a way through this. You’ll see.”
“Don’t hold your breath” was all I replied.
RAPID CYCLES AND RACING HEARTS
Lizzie
NOVEMBER 12, 2003
CONFUSION SWEPT OVER ME RIGHT ALONG WITH EXHAUSTION.
I could hardly find the energy to walk.
My head.
Oh God, everything was spinning.
I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts.
They were moving too quickly in my head.
Too many thoughts.
Too many feelings.
