Page 92 of A Winter in Wonderland
‘Hush. I’m healthy …ish. I’ve still got a fair amount of hair. I’m doing well. I’m happy.’
That was nice to hear, and for now, I let those thoughts melt away.
‘Good.’ Changing the subject, I added, ‘My other development, which I’m sure Shay will find hilarious, is thatLove Adventuring Lapland have me working as an elf since Josh left.’
‘Oh dear, I can’t imagine you like that much,’ Dad chortled.
‘I don’t,’ I sighed. ‘Dad … can I come home?’
‘Why do you want to come home?’
‘I’m just feeling … over it. This was never a good fit for me and I don’t think I can take it any more.’
‘I thought you were enjoying it though, love? Surely there are more pros to cons?’
‘There are, but it’s been two months now and I’m tired of pretending to be Holly-Jolly-Christmas every second of the day. I want to come home.’
A movement caught my eye. I turned my head. And there was Esteri standing in the doorway, looking furious.
Esteri stepped in the room and closed the door, and I said a goodbye to Dad for now.
‘Hi,’ I said to her, dragging myself to the ladder and stumbling down from the top bunk, wondering what she’d heard.
She stared at me, her arms crossed, and I didn’t think I had to wonder any more.
‘Look,’ I started, ‘I was just letting off steam after a difficult day—’
‘Do you want to quit?’ she interrupted me.
‘No. Well … maybe.’ My heart thudded. Esteri and I were close, but she’d been with Love Adventuring Lapland for four years. Was she going to tell on me to Daan, and would my sister get in trouble?
‘You would give up this experience because a guy left?’
‘No, it’s really not that. It’s Christmas, I just don’t … I’m not … Christmas isn’t … ’
‘I know, I know, you don’t like Christmas.’
‘Of course I— Wait, pardon?’
‘I said, I know you don’t like Christmas.’
We locked eyes for a moment. She knew? ‘You knew?’
Esteri waved her hand in the air, her eyebrows still furrowed together. ‘I could tell right from the start, but you know why it didn’t bother me? Because you were trying. You were making the most of the opportunity. I may not have understood what exactly brought you here, but I could tell the longer you stayed the more comfortable you were becoming. Now, you don’t seem to be trying any more. You’re giving up, because a boy you liked has left? What happened to all that progress?’
I stepped back. ‘I can’t believe you knew. And you still made me do all those Christmassy things with you.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, they were your job. They still are. Unless you’re planning to quit and run away?’
‘You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘Christmas is a really hard time for me and coming here has been tough. It’s hard to let go of bad memories.’
‘You don’t think I know that? You think you’re the only one who’s done hard things?’
‘No, I’m not saying that.’
‘Well guess what? You’re not the only one. And I know everyone is different, but I choose not to define myself by the things in my past. They have happened, they are a part of me, but so are a million other things.’ She shook her headand went to sit on her bunk. ‘I don’t know what you’ve been through, but you can talk to me about it if you want to. Or I guess you can just leave. Since you’re so tired of pretending.’
Esteri lay back and rolled over, facing away from me, and I stood in the centre of the room feeling pretty crap about myself. I’d never meant her to think I didn’t like being around her. It wasn’t her, it wasn’t Lapland, it wasn’t even the holidays, it wasme.
I’mthe problem.
