Page 134 of My Wife
“You. Don’t. Owe. Me. Anything.”
She twists and props onto her elbows. “Even though I tell myself every day that this is fake between us, did it occur to you that I’ve always wanted a family and a home? If that means doing laundry and dishes and all the rest, let me try it out. If I hate it and want help, I’ll let you know. But there seems to be something, I don’t know, kind of special about knowing that I’m taking care of the people I love—” She rolls over and settles against my chest.
If I didn’t feel the movement of her chest rising and falling with breath, I’d think she’d died, practically in my arms.
Yet, we’re both very much alive … and in love?
If she meant that in the way that we’re playing house and she’s acting the role of a mom and wife, fine. But what if she …? I don’t let myself go there.
I am not lovable.
But Jessica is huggable. Like has happened the other three times we’ve shared a bed, I hold her close, hoping she can fall asleep.
It’s for practical reasons. Mostly. I want her to be fresh tomorrow, especially if she insists on taking care of KJ. Also, I don’t want to find pencil shavings in my lunch. Back in grade school, my mother had a lot going on and was helping with homework while preparing meals … and the little cup holding the wood and graphite must’ve been tipped into my chicken salad rather than the salt and pepper.
After a few minutes, Jessica says, “You’ve started calling your son KJ instead of the kid.”
“So I did.” I can’t keep creating the illusion of distance and not using his name, pretending that he’s not mine. That Jessica is too even if our situation is still murky.
“Did you notice he stopped sucking his thumb?”
“Yeah.”
“Also, he’s more than doubled his vocabulary and even mouths some words now like Grandma Dolly. Someday he’s going to hear your voice, Liam. I just know it.”
My jaw tightens and my eyes tingle. I’ve realized that people with varying hearing abilities aren’t necessarily at a disadvantage like I believed. More that they may face challenges people in a hearing-oriented world don’t. But that doesn’t mean people with the gift of hearing always listen. Learned that lesson.
Soon, Jessica’s breathing turns soft and deep. However, I can’t sleep and my thoughts peel away like little curls from a sharpened pencil, drawing me closer and closer to the point. It’s then I realize that maybe if I can fix her sleeping problem and if there’s a solution to what she deemed hopeless, maybe forgiveness is possible too.
I wake up to a heavy weight on my chest. It pokes my shoulder and then mushes my lips together. I blink open an eye to see Jessica sprawled out on the other side of the bed in her hockey-player penguin pajamas.
I meet a pair of blue-gray eyes that match mine. KJ wants breakfast, so we go to the kitchen and make a big mess, trying to replicate Grannie Bell’s blueberry pancakes. When we take the first one off the griddle, Jessica shuffles in, looking adorably sleepy with floppy hair and heavy eyes.
“Morning, boys. It smells good.” She points to the pancakes. “Don’t throw out the first one. I’ll take it. I’ve always liked the sacrificial pancake.”
“Thewhatpancake?” I ask.
Even though Jessica is signing and speaking at the same time, the concept of the first pancake always being a dud, goes over the kid’s head. I get it though and our second one comes out much better with nice crisp edges and a perfectly fluffy middle.
Maybe there’s some life wisdom there, but then why does Jessica like the first one? Wouldn’t she want the best of everything?
I have training followed by practice all day and then fly out for an away game against the Titans.
Coach Badaszek asks to have a word when we’re done warming up. “Thanks for inviting me to the wedding. You’re a man of few words and I knew there was something you weren’t telling me. Figured a laugh or two would help you get your feet under you.”
He searches my expression as if expecting me to politely chuckle. That’s the normal response, right?
Instead, I ask, “You knew about the kid and that’s why you pulled me out for those two weeks?”
“I didn’t know the details and was certain that you wouldn’t request a leave of absence.”
“So, you took the first opportunity to force me out?”
Badaszek claps me on the shoulder. “Sometimes you need to know when to toss out the first pancake.”
I frown. “Did you talk to Jessica today?”
“Not since the wedding, why? Everything okay?”
