Page 124 of When Ben Loved Jace
“What happened?” I ask.
“He died,” Tim squeaks out. “He’s gone.”
A server with the absolute worst timing approaches our table. “Welcome in! Would you like to hear our specials?”
“We need some more time,” I snap so she’ll go away. And when she does… “Let’s get out of here.”
Tim nods and pulls a money clip out of his pocket, peeling off a bill and tossing it on the table.
I already feel better once we’re outside. Restaurants were never really our thing. Strolling down the sidewalk together is a little closer to what I remember, which I need right now, because I don’t want Tim to feel like a stranger. Just the thought makes me sad, like I lost him while we were apart.
“When did Eric pass away?” I ask.
“A couple years after we last saw each other. He had cancer. Eric tried to hide it from me. I didn’t find out until the symptoms started getting bad. He wasn’t planning on fighting it.” Tim grimaces and shakes his head. “I begged him to. And he did. For me. I still don’t know if that was the thing to do or not but… I loved him, Benjamin.”
His voice cracks around this confession. I don’t ask him what kind of love he means. It doesn’t matter.
“I’m really sorry,” I say lamely. “That must have been heartbreaking.”
“Yeah, it was rough.”
We walk in silence for a moment.
“I thought of you,” Tim says suddenly. “After he was gone. I wish I’d had the balls to reach out because…” He shrugs. “I needed you. Really bad. I don’t know how else to put it. I just did.”
I want to take his hand, which would send the wrong signal. Or at least speak comforting words, but what could I possibly say?
Tim inhales. “Chinchilla was there for me. She was always licking my face. I hope dogs think tears taste good, because there were a lot of them. Marcello and I got close too, especially after Eric was gone.”
“That’s nice,” I say, thinking of the charismatic man at the water park. “I’m glad you weren’t alone. So um… How does Ryan factor into everything?”
Tim sighs. “When I met him, he had just gotten kicked out by his parents. The poor guy was only nineteen. Old enough to be on his own, but still…”
“How long ago was this?”
“About two years. Eric had already passed. I was still aching from that and— Oh yeah! I came out to my parents. For real this time.”
I study his pensive face when we stop at an intersection. “How did it go?”
“Not great. I don’t see them all that often. My dad doesn’t have much to say to me. My mom only wants to talk about saving my soul.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” Tim says. “It’s a relief. I don’t have to pretend anymore. And I wanted them to know—neededthem to understand—how important Eric was to me. Especially after he died. So I finally did it. I guess that was part of what drew Ryan and me together. We were on the outs with our families and needed love. I know how messed up our relationship looks now…" He nods when the pedestrian light changes. “But for a while, it really was nice.”
“So what happened?”
Tim shrugs as we cross the street. “Ryan has a lot of issues. I didn’t realize how many. We were two broken people trying to fix each other. Is that even possible? Maybe it works for some, but it didn’t for us. Eric had left me money. We were living off that, coasting really, without anything to do. So we drank. Ryan likes to party. I had a hard time keeping up with him. Especially when we started doing drugs. Getting stoned was fun, but he was always chasing after some new high, like he was searching for a way to escape himself. I did what I could to get him back on track. I paid his college tuition after his parents cut him off, but he hardly ever went to class. The same with rehab. Ryan checked out after a couple days. I’ve tried to help him, but now… Well, you saw.”
I did, the ghastly images of the bruises flashing in my mind again.
“Do you ever beat him, Tim? Be honest with me.”
“No! Not like that. But I have hurt him before. Like you saw. The lines get blurred, because Ryan likes it rough in bed. I meanreallyrough. He always wants me to choke him and kinky shit like that. But it kind of set a precedent, you know? And he’s always been good at pushing my buttons. I swear he gets off on it. He’s a mean little shit.”
“So why are you still with him?”
Tim swallows. “Because buried underneath all his issues is a really sweet guy who just wants to be loved. When I showedup at the hospital after his overdose, he wept in my arms. It was a real close call. He told me, while I held him, how he doesn’t want to be the way he is. That wasn’t an act. He’s hurting inside. I just don’t know how to heal him.”
