Page 125 of When Ben Loved Jace
I press my lips together, figuring that their messed-up relationship is none of my business. Then I look over and see silver eyes pleading with me. Time for some hard truths.
“Maybe, despite wanting to help him, you’re actually doing more damage. As an enabler. Does he have a job?”
“No. I don’t either. Like I said, Eric left me some money.”
“But you actually have a creative outlet, when you choose to use it. How does Ryan deal with all the pain he feels inside?”
“I dunno. By trying to numb it with drugs, I guess.”
“Who pays for them?”
“Me. And yeah, you’re absolutely right. I’m an enabler. I’ve tried taking his credit cards away.”
“What happened?”
“He stole mine.”
“I’m starting to understand why you throttle him.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. “I shouldn’t have said that. But Iamstruggling to understand why you put up with his shit.”
“I love him.”
“Oh.”
We reach a small park, both of us gravitating toward it naturally. The shadows always were our playground. I think about everything he told me, trying to find a solution.
“I loved you,” I say at last, “but that didn’t stop me from leaving. I had to, for my own good, because staying with you was costing me more than I could give back. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” Tim says, “but I wasn’t… You heard Ryan the other night. I’ve tried breaking it off before. He always threatens to do something drastic.”
“For all I knew,” I reply, “you might have tried killing yourself, if you’d been so heartbroken over losing me. That’s what separation is about though. You give up any personal responsibility for the other person’s well-being, no matter how difficult that might be. I figured at the very least that you would continue living a lie. I didn’t like the idea. I worried about that later and doubted myself all the time, wondering if I should have stayed and helped you learn to fly, as I used to think of it.”
“You still remember the poem I wrote?”
“Of course. Loving you was never the hard part. Lovingmyselfis what took real courage. You deserve to be happy, Tim. And from what I’ve seen, no matter how good your intentions, Ryan isn’t happy even when he’s with you. Send him to rehab one last time, if you can afford it, but break up with him before you do. Maybe, when he doesn’t have you to fall back on, he’ll finally get his act together. If not… At least you’ll be able to live a better life without him dragging you down.” I poke Tim in the stomach flab. “Where’s the hot guy who stole my heart? Stop smoking. Go for a run. Break out the paints and work through everything you’ve been going through since Eric died. Make some beautiful art, because you’re still a beautiful person.”
He searches my eyes. “You really think so?”
“I know so. Don’t let me down.”
Tim doesn’t have to ask for a hug this time. I give it to him, but not out of pity. I love him. I always will. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some spoiled brat drive him off a cliff. That’ll only happen over my dead body. Which considering how unhinged Ryan seems to be, is a very real possibility.
— — —
Before I began taking theater gigs, I used to wonder if actors got tired of saying the same lines and if musicians grew weary of singing the same songs. I can only speak for myself, but the few plays I’ve been in are similar to a relationship. The early days are a heady mixture of discovery and excitement, but after enough exposure, this eventually gives way to comfortable familiarity. That’s the phase I’ve reached with the current play. Which is why Jace has finally been invited to see it. I’ve learned from my mistakes. Debuts are for strangers. Mid-run is for my man. I’m in top form tonight. Even the acting portion is going well, since I’ve been able to gradually tweak the role to better suit my strengths and limitations.
I bend over and kiss the hand of my co-star, affecting the tones of an Edwardian gentleman. “We each made a commitment, my dear, to not let our hearts wander. If we had spoken those vows to each other instead, well then, we wouldn’t find ourselves in the pickle that we do now.”
“Ha!” a voice from the audience barks. “That’s rich coming from someone who can’t keep his dick in his pants!”
I glance toward the tables, my worst fears confirmed when I see Ryan in the front row. His face is twisted up, the shadows making him appear sinister.
My co-star is the first to recover from the interruption. “Discretion makes a good many things possible,” she trills, “especially in matters of the heart. Neither one of us wants to see anyone get hurt. We’ll protect them with our secrecy.”
“Yeah, well the secret is out.” Ryan snarls. “I want everyone to know what a slut you are!”
I glance at the audience again. Jace—bless his heart—has already moved to intervene. The nice thing about being with a tall guy is that they make nice barriers. I’ve hidden behind him more than once when navigating a crowd. His back is currently to the stage, Ryan blocked from view, like I have my own personal bouncer.
“Secrets are a double-sided blade,” I say, returning my attention to my co-star. “Someone is bound to get cut eventually.”
