Page 77 of Marrying the Gardener
Which, for the record, is not biblical in any way at all, yet since drop kicking people also isn’t, I refrained. I even prayed for his congregation, because I’m half positive with the way money rolls into his household it’s a cult roughly two wrong turns away from making women sit in a different room than all the menwhenever they listen to his propaganda sermons.
But, anyway, that is neither here nor there.
The point is…
Shut up, Larry.Indefinitely, if you would be so kind. And, in case you didn’t know,kindnessis a fruit of the spirit. So…
I should really stop having a mental argument with my idiotic cousin who I soon shall never have to see again and pay attention to my dying grandfather, whose will is the ticket to my freedom.
He’s saying, “I appreciate every one of you for joining me in these final hours.” Lifting his glass, he flashes his gold tooth in a weak smile. “May prosperity continue for our family even after I’m gone.”
As everyone raises their glasses, I fight the pit opening up in my chest.
?
Everything after dinner at my grandfather’s on Thursday happens fast.
We go home. A few days pass. And then that’s it.
One minute, I’m planning Kaleb’s and my Sunday date, the next I’m getting a call that my grandfather is in hospice.
No longer feeling like doing anything, I sit curled up on Kaleb’s lap in my bed, hugging myself, listening to his heartbeat, trying to…understand what’s going on.
“Why are emotions so complicated?” I whisper.
“Because you’re a girl,” he murmurs into my hair.
I glare at him.
His smile trickles away. “Sorry. That joke sounded better in my head.”
“Because you’re a boy.” I roll my eyes off him. “Everything sounds better in your head. The acoustics up there arefantastic.”
His body shakes around me as he laughs, and I melt into him, finding it within myself to smile.
“I hate this,” I whisper.
“I know.” He rubs my shoulder. “It will be okay.”
“I don’t even like the guy! I shouldn’t bemourninghim. He’s not even dead yet! This is stupid.”
“Shh,” Kaleb soothes. “He’s human. You’re human. Even though he’s not recognized that fact of you, you have of him. His lack of humanity at times has not blinded you to the fact he exists with thoughts and feelings.” Kaleb frees a short, shaking breath. “That’s something beautiful about you, Crimson. You see the best in the worst people, immediately, unflinchingly. You even see the best in me.”
I bury my face against his shirt, soak in the musk of his cologne. “I think that’s just a coping mechanism. It’s hard to survive a childhood filled with so much bad unless you train yourself to find the good things.”
“That doesn’t make the skill any less beautiful, Rose-red.”
“It feels tainted by selfishness.”
“What isn’t?” He kisses the top of my head.
He isn’t. Or, at least, it has never felt like he is. He gives so much and shuns taking when he has the chance. I’m still trying to find a way to give back to him. Because even though he’s made it clear my existence alone gives him something, existence alone doesn’t feel like enough.
And it’s because of people like my grandfather that I feel like that.
Feelings aren’t facts. But no matter how many times I remind myself, they don’t go away.
My feelings for Kaleb only got worse when I tried to ignore them. So now I’m stuck here, feeling awful and complicated in his arms.
