Page 78 of Marrying the Gardener
“I’m sorry I’m ruining another date day,” I murmur.
“We don’t need to go out and do things to learn more about each other, Crimson. It’s okay. We’ll have other chances, without this dark cloud hanging over us.”
“I wish you were less considerate. You should actually get mad at me once in a while, at least. When I deserve it.”
“You never deserve it. Also, you’d snap at me and put me in my place so fast…” He nuzzles. “Don’t for a moment think I don’t understand that you know I’m superfluous in your life.”
My chest squeezes, and I lift my head to meet his eyes. “Is that how I make you feel?”
“You’re capable, and independent, and you’ve taken too much crap from too many men. I know you don’t need me.”
If I lost him…I would survive. I would pick myself back up, figure out the feelings, and go on…but more thanneed… “Kaleb, I want you. Isn’t that more important?”
Red warms his cheeks. “It certainly feels less secure. Wanting me is choosing, which means you can negate that decision. Needing me wouldn’t leave you with such frightening options. The moment this is over, you won’t need me anymore. For anything. And if you change your mind about remarrying me properly, I’ll have to find a way to survive that.”
Resting my forehead against his shoulder, I say, “I’m sorry I haven’t let you feel safe. How can I better support you so you feel secure in our relationship?”
Chuckling, he teases my hair. “I don’t think the answer is something you’ll be happy with.”
“Is it something I can do?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What is it?”
“I wish you’d rely on me more.”
My brow furrows. “Am I not relying on you right now? For comfort? And…foreverything? I wouldn’t have a chance of being free without your help.”
“You don’t have a choice where it concerns handling this will. You knew your grandfather wouldn’t include a woman in his estates, no matter what you did. As for the cuddling right now, I’m pretty sure it stems less from relying on me and more from guilt since you’re canceling another date day.”
I flinch.
“Am I right?”
“I suppose there’s…some obligation at play, but it is also helping me feel better? And I could have powered through on my own. With you, I just know I don’t have to.”
His palm smoothes down my back. “At the risk of sounding like a horrible person…I want you to seek me out when you feel helpless. I want no thought behind coming to me. I want no explanations to back your requests.”
“That seems unreasonable.”
“Exactly. I don’t want reasons. I want it to be second nature.”
He was right; I’m not happy with the idea of this. I’d have to heal an awful lot of trauma for my second nature to become asking immediately for help and support from someone else. I have never been in a position that allows me to face my issues with anything other thanI’ll take care of it.
It doesn’t even have to be my own issue.
I’ll take care of itis how I respond to the entire world.
Even after everything, it’s how I want to respond to my grandfather. But I can’t fix his declining health, and even if I could, he’s already decided he’s ready to go. He’s already turned down the possibility that treatments might help him extend his life. He is eighty-seven, and ready, and I can’t take care of that.
“I hate feeling helpless,” I whisper.
“I know.”
“It’s weakness. I’ve been raised to hide weakness. I’ve been raised to feel ashamed of it.”
“Weakness is nothing to be ashamed of. Weakness ishuman.”
