Page 57 of Marrying the Gardener
She frowns. “Was I supposed to know that you meantsexwas intimacy college, Kaleb? Is that really information I was meant to glean from your roundabout language?”
“Yeah, actually.” I laugh as I flick off the bathroom light and approach her, pushing down the sheets on the side of the bedshe’s solidly not taking up. My heart thumps a staccato pace as I settle in, unable to think about anything but the fact I am turning down a chance—maybe my only chance—to be with this woman.
As it stands, it’s unbelievably late, and I heard what her friends were saying about me all night.
The chance that she’s tired and has her head full of nonsense is high.
And that’s exactly why Ishouldn’t…even if I want to.
Her arms fold. “What did you mean when you said you wanted me to keep you last night then?”
“Cuddles.”
“Cuddles,” she states, then sags. “Well. I’m glad I refrained from googling a how to on my phone. I may have been scarred for life.”
“Please, if we ever do actually consider going all the way, donotgoogle a how-to guide.”
“If we ever actually consider going there, I would very much like a diagram. I’ll just have more time to get a book on the topic instead of relying on the internet now.”
Thank…goodness? “Did you not have a sex-ed class?”
Her attention falls off me and fixes on her hands, which tangle together. “I was tutored at home. And my father controlled the curriculum. Knowing anything beyond how to keep my menstrual cycle from affecting him wasn’t required education.”
I sit myself up. “That is…disgusting. I don’t have any other word for it. Do you…” I wince, cup a hand to my mouth, and blow out a breath. “Sorry. If I get too personal, don’t feel obligated to answer, but did you understand at all what you thought would be happening tonight?”
She smooths her finger over her thumbnail and shakes her head.
A swear slips through my brain.
“Well, a little bit, obviously. Ava told me a few things. But not really, no.”
The very direct ways that horrible men like Crimson’s father seek to control women, down to the plainest and simplest withholding of vital information, sicken me. It’s not just a matter of health at this point. There’s safety risks that come from utter naivete. Without the privilege of knowing how things work and the truth, guys can create countless manipulative lies to get what they want. “I am so sorry, Crimson.”
She lifts a shoulder. “It hasn’t really been all that important thus far. Don’t worry about it.” She glances my way, beautiful brown eyes so tremendously calm and oblivious to what I’m thinking about her, because she very sincerely has no idea. “I’m honestly a little relieved. How does cuddling work?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is it like a game of Tetris? I slot my leg in here; you fit your arm in there? Logically, sleeping with someone seems rather inconvenient. Is there a trick to it?”
My insides somehow manage to melt further. She’s so precious. Fire and doves. Blazing, untouchable innocence with a confidence and self-awareness that destroys me. “We don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, Rose-red. Not even cuddling.”
“I know that.”
“You don’t have to push yourself for my sake. Just because I’m helping you with your family doesn’t mean I expect you to respond to my feelings in any way that sacrifices your own wishes.”
“I’m not a child, Kaleb,” she says. “I’m fully aware of the decisions I’m making. You don’t have to keep reminding me that you aren’t forcing me to do things. I know you aren’t. If you were, I wouldn’t be so keen on trying any of it.”
“Sorry. I just worry that I’m manipulating you.”
Her expression hardens. “You can try to manipulate me. It won’t end well.”
“You don’t think your willingness to have sex with me is prompted at all by your knowledge that I’m in love with you? You’re incredibly giving, Crimson. I worry about how much you’ll let me take just because, as you said,I want to.”
She deadpans, “To be perfectly blunt, Kaleb, I was hoping to abuse how comfortable I feel around you. Tonight has made me wonder what’s wrong with me, and I was thinking you might be able to fix it. I’ve spent the past who knows how many hours hearing Daria and Vivia go off about your appeal, but I just don’t see it like they do. And it wasn’t just them, either. I watched all the women who passed you tonight double-take. I know I’m the odd one out. So. No. I’m not thinkingpoor baby Kaleb, in love with me, needs sex. I’m thinking that you’re safe enough to help me answer these questions about why I’m different.” She sinks into the bedding, eyes downcast. “Heck…just your response right now proves you’re not manipulative. It’s not in your nature. And I think we both know that we missed thenurtureside of our upbringing. We’ve been left to figure things out by ourselves a lot. Figuring out what’s wrong with me is just another part of it I guess. At least this time I’m not doing it by myself.”
My heart squeezes. “Nothing’s wrong with you even if you don’t feel attraction in the same way as most.”
“I understand that…on a cognitive level. But emotionally, it’s confusing and feels like I’m missing out on something. Or something inside me is missing. Wanting this kind of intimacy is normal. It’s natural. For one school of thought, it’s instinct, and for the other, it’s a literal deity-assigned command. It’s hard not to feel like I’m wrong.”
