Page 58 of Marrying the Gardener
“Nah.” I push the sheets aside and open my arms. “You’re not.”
Crimson looks at me, scanning the invitation, then she scoots in, letting me wrap her up, pull her close, lose my mind. She whispers, “If I’m not missing out on something, why does it seem to run the whole world?”
“Because—” My lips graze her forehead. “—I won’t lie to you, for many people it’s an enjoyable experience, but so are lots of things. It’s just the stigmatized stuff that people fixate on the most. Consider how the alcohol ban backfired. Intimacy, on any level, is a little vulnerable and a little scary. Add a touch of forbidden on top of how most people experience attraction, and it’s irresistible.”
“Weird,” she murmurs, against my chest, fingers smoothing the fabric of my t-shirt as her bare legs mingle with mine.
I moisten my lips. “Yeah…a bit.”
“Is this difficult for you?” she asks.
Agonizing. “What do you mean?”
“Is it difficult for you to resist?”
“Oh. No.” I find the bumps of her spine and trace the line down to the dimples at the small of her back. “I care about your feelings more than I care about mine right now. If I had to, I could take care of them. They never have to be your responsibility.”
Her legs press, toes finding mine. “Again, I don’t feel responsibility here, Kaleb. That’s not why I’m here. At all.”
“I just want it clear. Many men use this stuff as a means to control or guilt women intohelpingthem. That is never necessary.”
“Ew. Men disgust me,” she mutters, as she snuggles closer. “I wish more were like you.”
Like me?
I’m a coward. And I’m still not perfectly convinced that I’m not at least subconsciously manipulating her in some heinous way. Crimson offers herself to people as simply as breathing.These past few weeks, I’ve watched her do it so naturally I doubt she realizes. She is a light. A beacon of joy and security. Everyone she comes across adores her.
Unlike her, I am by no means a saint.
Even though I’ve never vehemently coerced a woman into anything, sometimes kindness is enough coercion. Sometimes I should have saidnobut didn’t because of what I wanted. Sometimes I could read the loneliness in a woman’s eyes and I used that.
Because I knew that same loneliness reflected in my own.
I knew we were both just running away.
But I let that knowledge fuel my actions instead of taking a step back and making sure neither of us would have regrets in the morning.
I’ve always been smart enough to know better. I’ve just not always been strong enough to care that those kinds of actions would stick with me forever.
Even right now what Crimson and I are doing tonight is gonna stick.
Any time anyone is vulnerable with someone, emotionally or physically, thatsticks. You remember friends you had, and lost, forever. You remember moments you can’t get back forever. You remember mistakes you madeforever.
Firsts.
Lasts.
In betweens.
Anything that strikes the soulsticksin good ways, or bad.
Holding Crimson tonight is going to come with me into the rest of my life, and I will always remember the shape of her in my hands, the feel of her breath warming the neckline of my shirt, the clean yet clinical scent of the complimentary soaps and shampoos in her hair.
As her breaths slow, I know this is going to stay with me,burying its roots deep in my heart.
Forever.
No matter what happens beyond this,thiswill change me.
