Page 83 of Olivia's Only Pretending
For the night, I had a good excuse to push my feelings off to the side.
The October morning air was cool as I walked onto campus. I tugged my gray cardigan closer. Signs for the upcoming Fall Seminar Panel were plastered everywhere—my name billed as a lecturer alongside Ryan’s. I’d completely forgotten this event was so close, a week away. And now, with mine and Victor’s pause, he wouldn’t be there in the audience. I chewed on my lip. Part of me was tempted to send him a message telling him to un-pause solely for this last fall event. I couldn’t imagine looking out in the crowd and not seeing his supportive grin, the way his eyes crinkled when they looked at me, full of pride.
I’d worked my whole career without Victor around. Why was I suddenly acting like a kid without their security blanket? Except Victor was even better to be wrapped up in. I shivered at the thought, pulling open the heavy doors to my building.
The workday that followed was quiet. I wasn’t distracted by silly text messages from him and thinking up witty replies, or making plans for dinner, or renovation projects to take up my night. I had to ignore my habit of noticing little moments throughout my day and bookmarking them to talk to Victor about later. Instead, my day was quiet.
My night was quiet, too.
Every day and night the rest of the week was quiet.
Victor had become the rising and falling playlist of my life. And now, the volume was turned down. The music that once flowed through my life, sweet and rhythmic, was on mute. On pause.
Quiet.
I can finally think clearly now, I lied to myself.
Friday night was the one ray of light on my calendar—margarita night with Lucy.
“Let’s go to Chauncey’s for our margaritas tonight,” she said, bellowing through my car speakers.
I hadn’t been to Chauncey’s in a while. It was one of the closest things we had in Sweet River to a bar. Dim lighting, pub-style food, and good drinks, sometimes live music. A favorite spot to host book clubs and birthday parties. It was always crowded, but in a warm, friendly way.
“I’m down,” I said, pulling into my driveway.
I threw on a mauve knit sweater dress and black ankle boots, yanking my copper hair into a snug ponytail before heading downtown to meet Lucy for dinner and margaritas.
Lucy had beaten me there and found us a booth. I stopped by the bar on my way in to pick up my icy margarita. When I found Lucy, I saw she’d also ordered us truffle fries.
“You’re the best,” I said, popping a cheesy, garlicky fry into my mouth as I slid into the booth.
“Well, it’s been a long day,” Lucy said, shaking her head. “Today was a field trip day.” She said the last sentence with an impliedenough saidin her voice. I imagined her leading an army of kindergartners around a museum.
I clinked her margarita with my own. “Well, it’s Friday, my dear.”
I took a salty, limey sip. Lucy eyed me across the table. “How was your week, Liv?”
“Same ole, same ole.” I shrugged. Which, workwise, was true.
“How’s the Victor charade going?” she asked, her voice clipped with suspicion.
“Oh.” I stuffed another fry into my mouth to buy time. I hadn’t planned to talk much about Victor. I’d intended to distract her with reality TV gossip, then bring up Mom’s dating life, avoiding my feelings altogether like I’d been doing all week. “It’s going fine. Just fine.”
“I know it’s been kind of confusing for you,” Lucy said, leaning in, elbows on the table, her curly red hair falling over her shoulders. “How are you feeling now?”
A loud, familiar laugh erupted from a table several feet away. I glanced over. Victor’s brother, Gabriel Hernandez, was sitting at a table with his fiancée, Emma Brown, and their sister, Katie, and her husband, Terrence. My heart sped up. Was Victor there? Would he show up later?
Lucy’s gaze followed my eyeline. “Oh, how fun. I bet they’re all in town for the upcoming wedding,” she said.
The wedding was in a little over a week.
“You’re going with Victor, right?” Lucy asked.
I swallowed. “I’m supposed to, yeah,” I said. That was something we’d un-pause for, right?Unless the pause leads to a full stop …I rubbed my forehead. I didn’t want to think about any of it right then.
“Are you okay?” Lucy pressed.
“I’m fine. Long day.” I took a drink of my margarita.
