Page 76 of The Boyfriend Boycott
Before I can think about it, I pull out my phone again. The line rings once, twice. Then his voice fills my head, and the effect is like he’s here with me.
“Just couldn’t wait to talk to me again, could you?” Grady’s voice rumbles through me, and I instantly feel warmer.
“I need help,” I say. It’s not entirely true. I could easily just Uber Eats something in a pinch, which is my go-to solution for these occasions, but I wanted to talk to him. To feel him here. “I have some rice, some stock, some frozen veggies, and maybe some chicken in the freezer. What can I make?”
“Oh, this is perfect. You could do an amazing risotto. You have some spices, right?”
“A few, yeah,” I answer, looking at the sad spice rack that houses a few different herbs I got for some other meals I never got around to making.
“Great. Risotto it is.”
“That sounds complicated. Remember the only skill in my arsenal right now is dicing onions. And I can boil a mean pot of water,” I remind him.
“No problem. Risotto is kind of foolproof.”
“I think you’re forgetting who you’re talking to,” I say, a little self-deprecating.
“Don’t fret, Rebel. I’ll walk you through it.”
“Okay.” I put Grady on speaker and set my phone on the counter so I can work, and his voice fills the kitchen. I shut my eyes for a moment to imagine him standing behind me at the stove, guiding me and showing me what to do.
“You’re going to want to start by thawing the chicken and cutting it up so you can cook that first,” he explains. I do as he tells me and before I know it, the kitchen is filled with a delicious fragrance, the risotto bubbling away in the pan. How he managed to simultaneously throw together such a delicious-looking mealandteach me how to make it over the phone is baffling.
Once I’m done, I take the bowl of risotto over to the couch and curl up under a blanket to eat it while we talk.
“What did you do today?” I ask him in between bites.
“I helped Ally set up the bassinet for Hazel. They were discharged this morning from the hospital and didn’t have anything ready.” My heart clenches hearing that he spent the day with Ally and Hazel, and I wasn’t there. My three favourite people all hanging out without me. I blink past the stinging in my eyes.
“I’m glad you were able to help her,” I croak, and I realize I didn’t do as good a job hiding the wobble in my voice as I thought.I’m suddenly very aware of how alone I feel. It’s never bothered me before. Now, instead of feeling peaceful on my own, I just feel lonely.
“And I missed you,” Grady adds. I cover my mouth to hold back a sob. “I thought about what your apartment looks like and imagined you getting home. I tried to picture what it looked like, tried to picture myself there with you.”
“It’s nothing special,” I say, looking around at the blank walls with faded patches of paint where the previous renter had hung pictures. “I promise you aren’t missing out.”
“I’m missing out whenever I’m not with you,” he says matter-of-factly. “What is your place like? Describe it to me.”The task of describing my place makes the dull ache in my chest to subside.
“It’s old. I don’t have much here. I haven’t been bothered to decorate or anything, and most of my furniture is hand-me-downs from friends.”
“No decorations at all? I know you said you never decorated your room growing up, but I would have thought your apartment would be different. I just pictured you having a colourful, bright space. Lots of memorabilia and souvenirs from your travels.”Idon’t even think I’ve ever bought a souvenir. I enjoyed travelling, sure, but it was less about the place I was going and more about the place I was getting away from. Something in me sags a little at the thought. I’ve had all these incredible adventures, but nothing to show for it except a dark, quiet, empty apartment.
“It’s funny, you know. That is what I wish this place was like. But whenever I think about doing it, or buying something new, I just get this feeling like it’s temporary anyways so why bother? That, and when you grow up on a single income, you don’t exactly prioritize spending money on those kinds of things.”
I’ve never really said that out loud before, but hearing it now, I suddenly make a lot more sense to myself. Everything in my life has been temporary. My living situation, my relationships. Everything had an expiration date, and I guess not getting attached is how I protect myself from being hurt when things inevitably end. It’s why I won’t invest in my place, because it will be easier to move when I need to. The realization that settles over me suddenly makes me feel very tired. Like I’ve just run a marathon, and it makes sense because, in some ways, I think I’ve been running my whole life.
“Well, your room is here whenever you feel like having a place that’s all yours,” Grady reminds me. It’s hard to think that on the other end of the phone line, he’s probably lying in bed in a room full of things that remind him of me.
“I love you,” I whisper into the phone.The words feel inadequate somehow. I emphasize each syllable, trying to convey all the emotions I’m feeling, but they don’t do enough to tell him how much I miss him, how much I long for him, how grateful I am for him.
“I love you back.” Grady’s voice is getting sleepy now, but neither of us wants to hang up. So, we stay on the phone in a comfortable silence, just knowing that the other is there is enough.
When I wakeup the next morning, still on the couch wrapped in a blanket and my hoody that smells like him, the apartment is even colder and quieter than before. My heart feels heavy.
I blink until my vision is clearer and check my phone. I have an hour before I said I would be at the office for a meet and greet with the Mile High team.
I quickly brush my hair and my teeth and put on a bit of blush to make me look more alive. I dig around in my closet until I find an old dress at the back that seems appropriate for an office. And by office appropriate, I mean it’s the only plain black garment I own that comes down to an appropriate length on my long thighs.
By the time I pull up in front of the looming downtown high-rise, the dress is feeling tight, and itchy, and notme.But I’m here, and this is my first day of a job that has a salary, and benefits, and I feel a little bit like I’ve made it.
