Page 75 of The Boyfriend Boycott
Just like that, the hope I had been feeling is replaced with sweaty palms, a twisting in my gut. She’s going to end it. She came to the same conclusion I have, that it would be better to just make a clean break. Although I know what’s coming, I still flinch in preparation for what she’s about to say. I realize I haven’t said anything yet, lost in my own thoughts when Spencer speaks again. The sound of her voice makes me lose track of what I was going to say.
“We never agreed on the terms of this new agreement we have with each other.”
“And you want to know if you can see other people,” I finish her sentence. The one I’ve been anticipating.
“What? No. I was just going to say that we need some new rules while we’re figuring this out.” While we’re figuring it out. Not committed, yet. But the fact that she’s willing to put boundaries on this is something. It’s enough for now.
“You’re sure you want this? Long distance is no joke.” I’m still unsure of what this means for us, and I need to be certain that Spencer means what she says.My hands shake slightly waiting for her response, and I shove my free hand into my pocket to still it, hoping it will also still my nerves.
“I know. It won’t be easy. But the drive has given me a few hours to think, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to get home so I could call you and hear your voice. I want to give this a fair shot,” she explains.
The fact that Spencer has been thinking about me, about us, this whole time makes me want to shout from the lookout all the way down to Heartwood. She’s thinking about me. I’m suddenly very aware of the distance between us. The fact that my body is yearning to grab her, pick her up, spin her around, hold her face and kiss her, and I can’t. It’s sobering.
“You can talk to me whenever you want, Spencer. I’m here. I’ll always be here, on the other end of the phone line, waiting to talk to you. Waiting to hear about all your crazy adventures,” I say, and I mean it with every fibre of my being. Every atom in my body. Every heartbeat, every breath, is for Spencer.
“Okay, then let’s decide on these rules,” she says, and I can hear her smile through the phone line. “We talk on the phone every day. Even if it’s just for five minutes. We FaceTime or Zoom once a week for a virtual date night.” These rules are less sexy than the first set Spencer laid out. Those ones had almost added to the desire, made our relationship feel forbidden. These rules just paint a bleak picture of the fact that we both want a relationship we can’t have.
“How will these rules work while you’re in Costa Rica?” I ask, contemplating the time difference between us and the new job that will undoubtedly monopolize her time.
“We’ll figure it out.” She says it like a promise, and it eases my nerves slightly.
This should feel better than it does. I should be happier than I am. Spencer has decided that she wants us. She wants to make us work. She’s still in this with me. But this is not what I hoped our relationship would look like, missing her. I can’t say with certainty that this is what I want. I don’t want virtual Spencer. I don’t want to watch her life from afar.
Ally was right. I’ve bent myself over backwards trying to show her how much she means to me, but at what cost? I sacrificed so much of myself in the process that now I’m unsure if this is truly what I want.
“You’re right, we’ll figure it out together,” I say. But my words feel hollow. Like, on the surface, this looks like everything I could have ever dreamt, but inside, it’s devoid of the very thing that makes it special.
Her.
CHAPTER 32
SPENCER
I wigglethe key into my front door, having to jimmy it slightly to get it to open. I swing the door open, pushing through with all my bags that I hauled up the few flights of the three-storey walk up. Much of it is still the same as it was before I left. The girl I sublet it to left it as is, and now I’m thankful she did. Some familiarity feels good right now.
The sound of my bags dropping to the floor echoes through the dark, cold space, reminding me that I have yet to hang anything on the walls. Or really do anything to make this space my own. Putting pictures up, decorating, has always felt like I might jinx it. That if I let myself settle in here then it would get taken away somehow.
The space isn’t much to brag about, but it’s mine. I almost lost it. Had the contract not come through from Sasha when it did, I don’t know where I would have gotten rent money.
I flick on the lamp next to the sad, worn couch, and I flop down on it and pull out my phone to text Grady. We talked for a few hours on the road until I had to stop for gas and get something to eat, so I shoot him a quick text to let him know I got home safely.
It’s a strange feeling I get when I hit send. To know that there’s someone worrying about me, waiting for me to tell them I’m okay.
He texts back almost right away.
GRADY
Glad to hear. Now go take a bath and relax. Xo
I do. I run myself a bath and sink down into the warm water, letting it cover my ears and muffle the deafening silence of my apartment. The quiet and calm used to be comforting to me. I used to relish coming home and being alone after social events or nights out in the city, but now … Now I know how it feels to come home to someone who loves you. Who has a dry T-shirt waiting for you when you come in out of the rain. Who has a cup of coffee ready when you wake up, and a glass of wine waiting when you get home.
I stay in the bath until the water has cooled, and my fingers are wrinkled, and when I finally climb out, I dig around in my duffel bag until I find my sweats. When I put them on, they smell like him. The clean scent of Grady’s laundry soap and a hint of his warm vanilla and tobacco cologne.
I breathe it in and my chest aches, followed by an urgent growl in my belly.
The pantry is dismal and bare when I open the creaky bifold door and survey the staples I try to always keep stocked for nights like this. The small closet almost tempts me to climb into it, like if I will it hard enough, Grady will open the door from the other side and materialize in my apartment like that first day at Ally’s cabin.
I need some food to materialize in front of me.
