Page 93 of Kiwi Sin
“No. You mean there are books that tell you how? Is that how people normally find out, then? Wait. Is it like school? Is there a … class?” There was a class for everything else. Knitting. Cooking. Raising chooks from eggs. All the things I’d known how to do forever, that I’d been surprised grown people had to learn to do, so why wouldn’t there be a class for this, too? It would be horribly embarrassing, of course, but as long as I could sit in the back row and just take notes, and you didn’t have to participate …
She didn’t answer, just asked, “Is this about Gabriel? It looked like he was holding you when we drove by the other night, and as you’d said that he wouldn’t touch you …”
“No,” I said. “I mean, yes, he has a bit, held me, I mean, and kissed me two times, but he … we … We want to get married.”
She paused a minute, then said, her voice gentler than ever, “You do know that you don’t necessarily have to be married to have sex, right? Or to kiss somebody, because you’re right, that’s a better place to start. You’re seventeen, and I’m guessing he’s not much older, and that’s truly too early to be married. It’s better to know the person first.”
“But Idoknow him,” I said. “So much better than I know anybody Outside. I know what kind of a person he is. How he is with his brothers and sisters, and how hard he works, and what his parents are like and how they’ve been with their kids, and just … just everything. And he’s twenty-five, so he’s really not too young, even if I am, a bit, at least my sister thinks so. And Outside, you don’t know any of those things about a person. You don’t know anything that really matters.”
“So if you know him,” Laila asked, “what’s the problem? Other than that you’re evenmoretoo young, if he’s that much older. I’m sorry,” she said, her face horribly compassionate, “but that would be considered predatory by most people.”
“He’s not,” I said, knowing my face was flushing and unable to help it. Why did everybodysaythat? It wasn’t true! “He’s just exactly not. He’s … he …” I wanted to tell her about Valor, but how could I say that?
Just do it.“Somebody else is,” I said. “That way.” My face was flaming, and I couldn’t quite look at her. “Or he was. When I was younger, and … and recently. He’s closer to my age, too, so I don’t think it’s really about the age. Besides, Gabriel hit him when he did that.”
“And then kissed you,” Laila said flatly. “And touched you. Oriana. Don’t you see?”
“But he alwaysasked,”I tried to explain. “He’s so … he’s socareful.And he’s as scared as I am! He doesn’t know how to do sex, either, and he doesn’t want to hurt me. He wants tomarryme. But shouldn’t we know, first? I want toknow.I know you kiss, and that the man … I know how the main part happens. I’ve seen it, with my parents.”
“With yourparents.”She looked gobsmacked, but why?
“Under the blankets,” I said. “So I know the position and so forth, like everybody does, but I don’t know what I’m meant to do while it’s happening. I thought I would just lie on my back, but I know now that some people make … noises. Maybe because your kids aren’t there. And if you’re making noises, you’re probably not just lying under somebody, at least I never heard noises before. The noises last longer, when I hear— when I know it’s happening, and when Idosee something in a film, it always looks like heaps moreisgoing on, because they’re doing things. Rolling around and so forth, and sometimes their … their heads aren’t together. I think they’re kissing each other in other places, too. Sometimes you see that. Him kissing below her shoulder. Him touching her leg. And they’re both all the way naked, too, so obviously, people take all their clothes off. Which is different, too, so I need to know.”
“OK,” she said. “Wow. How soon is this marriage planned for?”
“It isn’t,” I said. “Nobody wants it but us.”
“And are you planning to be intimate beforehand?” she asked. “Or is this for after the wedding?”
“Uh …” I wasn’t sure what to say. “We don’t want to do it before we’re married, but we … he …”
She said, “You get to decide that, too. It’s not just his choice. If you do want to, or you don’t, tell him the truth. For every step of the way, because you don’t go from zero to full sex all in one night, normally. You need two votes for a yes to move forward. If there’s only one ‘yes,’ that means ‘no.’ This isn’t Mount Zion, and both votes count.”
“What if I’m not sure, though?” I asked. “I do feel like I want to wait until I’m married to have the real sex, I mean, have his … his, ah …”
“To have intercourse,” Laila said.
“Yes. But peopledoother things, right? The kissing and touching and all, like in films? At least, Daisy and Gray seem to. They kiss and touch heaps in front of us, so in bed, I’m pretty sure they …” I didn’t actually want to think about what they did. I couldn’t help it, maybe, when I heard them, but I didn’t have totalkabout it! “But they’re having relations, of course. Intercourse.”
“You do anything you both want,” Laila said, “on any timetable you like. And if you’re asking whatyoushould do? Do what feels good to you.”
“Like what?” I asked. “That’s the problem. I don’t know what there is! And I need to know how to please him, don’t I?”
I was so embarrassed, I wanted to curl up and die. But how else would I find out?
She said, “If he’s not experienced, either … not experienced at all?”
“No,” I said. “Only with me, but kissing was nice. For both of us. We’ve seen films and all now, though, and like I said … Gray and Daisy. I know about kissing.”
Laila said, “I’m guessing he’s looked at some porn, too.”
“Oh, no,” I said. “That’s such a sin. Well, one time, but he says he won’t do it anymore, but is that how men find out, then? Is it like … instruction?”
Laila said, “I’m pretty sure he’ll look again. For one thing, he probably wants to learn at least as much as you do. But I don’t think real sex is necessarily exactly like porn, so he could get some wrong expectations if that’s how he’s learning. If you want to do something past what you’ve done, you could see how the kissing goes and take it from there. Tell him you want to take it slow, and to tell him how you feel and have him tell you how he feels. There’s kissing in various places—necks are nice, and then, uh, farther down, and touching each other’s bodies, and …” She stopped, then said, “Go slow,” again. “See how everything feels. Tell him you’ll stop when he wants to, and make sure he’ll stop whenyouwant to. If you do that, if you find out together? I reckon it’ll work.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well, that’s, uh … perfect. Thank you.” Even though it wasn’t perfect. I needed to knowexactly.How would I ever do it right, otherwise?
She seemed to know what I was feeling, because she said, “You can watch that porn together at some point, if you like. That will give you an idea. Keeping in mind that it can be a bit … outlandish. It’s what you’d call the advanced level, and sometimes the ‘ridiculous’ level.”
