Page 2 of The Swap
“Can we just go home, please? I’m tired,” she said. I could see the weariness in her expression and I tucked her hair behind her ear.
“Of course. Whatever you want,” I said gently.
I started the car and winced as the small space was filled with the grinding beat of one of Brooklyn’s favorite songs. I stabbed the buttons of the radio with my fingers until it turned off and we were once again bathed in silence.
The drive home was quiet without our daughter’s constant chatter coming from the back seat. I pulled into our driveway and parked before shutting off the engine. I stared out the window at the house that had always been so full of energy and life. Now, it loomed ahead of us, suddenly seeming too big for just the two of us.
Neither of us spoke as we climbed from the car and made our way inside. I flipped the light on and tossed my keys into the bowl on the table near the door while Gayle hung her jacket on the coat rack.
“Do you want a cup of tea or something to snack on?” I asked.
“No, thank you. It’s been a long day. I think I’m just going to go to bed,” she answered quietly.
“Okay. I’ll be up in a little while,” I told her, but she was already moving away and toward the stairs.
A sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach and spread throughout my body. It wasn’t a completely unfamiliar feeling. Gayle and I had been living as nothing more than friends for over a year, but we’d worked hard to hide it from our daughter. With Brooklyn off discovering a life of her own, the distance between my wife and me was glaringly obvious and threatened to choke me.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass, filling it with water and drinking it down as I leaned against the counter. My eyes landed on a smiling photo of Brooklyn and my chest began to ache. Pulling the picture from its magnet, I studied the wide smile on my daughter’s face. I wanted her to stay that way always; happy and carefree. I just wished it didn’t have to hurt so bad to let her go.
With a sigh, I returned the picture and then walked through the house, turning off lights and locking the front door. I felt older than my thirty-seven years as I climbed the steps. When I reached the top of the stairs, I looked in the direction of our bedroom. The lights were off, and it was quiet. I assumed that Gayle was already asleep.
I knew that I could go to Gayle and seek comfort in her arms and that she would be there for me. She was still, after all, my best friend. But I also knew that it would feel empty, missing the components that made what would occur truly intimate. It was that emptiness that had eventually led us to being just friends.
I turned instead and headed into Brooklyn’s room. Moonlight streamed through the curtains, lighting the room enough that I was able to make out the poster of a popular boy band hanging on the wall and the stack of books on her bedside table. A lump formed in my throat as I looked at her desk, which used to hold her laptop and a slew of notebooks, but which now stood empty.
Then my eyes lowered to the bed and my eyes welled with tears when I saw she’d left her favorite Winnie-the-Pooh doll. There’d been a time when he’d accompanied us on every car trip, and I’d often have to turn back home to the sound of her sobs because she’d forgotten him. The fact that she’d left him behind proved that she’d moved on, outgrowing him as she transitioned into adulthood.
That thought hit me like a ton of bricks and I sank onto the bed. I grabbed the bear and buried my face into his plush form as my tears finally broke free, no longer needing to hide them from anyone. I cried for the little girl I missed and the marriage that was no longer true. I had no idea what would become of our little family, and at the moment, I was too tired to try and figure it all out.
At some point, I must’ve drifted off, because it was several hours later when my phone chirped beside me. I grabbed it and swiped the screen quickly to open the text message.
We just landed, and I wanted you to know I arrived safely. The flight was a long one and gave me a lot of time to think. You said that this was my time to explore and figure out who I want to be, but the same could be said for you guys. You and Mom deserve to have fun now that you don’t have to plan your schedules around my activities. You’ve sacrificed everything for me and you’re the best parents any girl could ask for, but it’s time that we all figure out who we’re supposed to be from here on out. I don’t want you to be sad while I’m gone. Find what makes you happy, Daddy. I love you more than chocolate cake.
I smiled as I read her words and then I read them again. She was right. I needed to quit feeling sorry for myself and figure out what would make me happy. The problem was, I had no idea what that was.
