Page 69 of Mother Parker
The question froze me again as I went through my relationships and how they’d made me feel.
“Kinda. Maybe. No. I felt happy. Sometimes. I felt excited. But no. No one’s made me feel like he does. Like I matter. I just…I guess I always felt…numb? I don’t know. I always thought that’s how it’s supposed to feel. I thought feeling disconnected was normal. Or that maybe there was something wrong with me. Like I was emotionally damaged. Like everyone always says, happiness is little moments, but I thought that’s what was wrong with me. That all I could feel were fleeting moments of happiness, and the rest I should have felt content but just felt hollow.”
“Oh, honey. That’s not how it’s supposed to feel. Not at all. And there’s nothing wrong with you. I think maybe you’ve been suppressing yourself for so long that you believed that was what you wanted.”
She went back to massaging my back, and I managed to lift my head and look her in the eyes again.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“I think maybe your exes never made you happy because they weren’t the right sex.”
“I…no. I—maybe.”
“Obviously, I’m not you. I couldn’t possibly tell you what you are, but if I know anything, it’s that the way Hwan makes you feel is so rare, so unique to find. So if he makes you feel like that, you should take the chance and see where it takes you. Because I don’t know if you’ll find it again.”
I thought back to the past two weeks, to my new routine, my daily interactions with him, and I realized she was right.
She was right.
I’d been scared of that part of me for so long I couldn’t even recognize it, but she was right. The way he made me feel was unique. Was I in love with Hwan?
“But…”
“But?” she asked.
“How do I stop ruining everything? I think I already have, to be honest. I kissed him without even asking him if he felt the same way—”
“Oh God, Parker. Please! That man swoons every time you walk into a room. I swear you can see the dribble in his mouth. He cooked dinner for you. He invited you into his home. I’d say if there’s a chance hedoesn’tlike you, it’s pretty thin. Like nonexistent, practically.”
The more she talked, the easier it became to breathe. To breathe and to see what had been right in front of me all this time.
“You think?”
Autumn sat up, running her hands over her jaw, neck, and ponytail before smiling brightly.
“I’m one hundred percent sure,” she said.
I suddenly got antsy. Why did the sound—the prospect—of being with Hwan fill me with joy?
Because he was joy personified. He was the brightest ray of sunshine I’d ever met. And he liked me back.
“I…” I said, getting up.
“Go get your Hwan,” she said.
I nodded and made to leave but stopped.
“Thank you,” I turned around and told her. “Thank you for talking to me. For being there.”
“Always, big bro,” she said. “Now go!”
I nodded and ran back to the tea shop, making my way to the back door, but this time I used my own key and let myself in. I climbed the stairs two at a time, my core getting heavier and heavier the closer I got to him.
I was scared.
So fucking scared.
But I was also excited. For the first time in a long time, I was excited.
