Page 39 of Fresh Start
"What does that mean?" I asked him.
Leo sat back on the bed and straightened out the sheet on his lap that we’d used to cover ourselves with as he collected his thoughts. If there ever was a time I wished I could read minds like Detective Strong, that would be now.
"I mean, how long is this going to last? Realistically? I'm just preparing myself for a rerun of what we went through before. And I know I must sound pathetic. Two people are allowed to have sex without it meaning anything more, but—"
It hurt me that Leo still thought of me as the person who had abandoned and betrayed him. It hurt me more because it was true. I didn't know how to explain to him what had happened. There was no excuse.
"Leo,” I said. “Please. I was young and stupid. Being an actor was my lifelong dream, as it was yours. I made mistakes. I'm not proud of them, but I had to learn to live with them, otherwise, life would be unbearable. Do you know how long I spent thinking about you and what I’d done to you?" I started, but the emotions tickled my skin, and my throat tightened.
"I'm sure you were really sad making all those films and cashing in on all those millions," Leo said, but this time I could detect the sadness in his tone.
I looked away from him and asked myself if I was prepared for what I was about to do. I was still unsure when I opened my mouth.
"Let me tell you a story," I said and also sat up in bed. "You know when you went to that audition?"
"You mean the audition that I got as a second chance for fucking up my showcase night? The audition that was supposed to get me an agent and start my career as an actor? Yeah, I remember that audition," Leo said, this time a bit more flustered.
Leo had a right to be angry. I just hoped he would understand what I was about to reveal.
"That audition changed my life."
Leo scoffed, but I placed my hand on Leo's thigh, and he didn't say anything further.
“I was only there to support you and apologize for what I did at the showcase, but then when you were done, he asked to see me. And I was young and stupid, and I wanted to follow my dreams more than anything. I kept thinking 'Leo would do the same thing. He would make the same decisions. '"
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Leo was about to say something, but I kept going before he could interrupt me.
"It might not be true, but that's what I thought then. So, when I went into his office and he promised me all these things, I succumbed to it. I took a leap of faith. I loved you back then. I hope you know that—"
"But you loved your career more."
I nodded.
“I didn’t realize he wasn’t even going to represent you. I thought he wanted both of us. And then, of course, when I told you, you stormed off, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t even have time to get all my stuff. Before I knew it, I was flying off to LA and auditioning for Hollywood films from the get-go. He hired image makers, publicists, stylists, all for me. He wanted to make me a star, and I wanted to be one. And he did. A star in Hollywood, and a star in his bed. Because if I didn't sleep with him, all the stardom would be snuffled out."
Leo turned his head and watched me. I didn't have the courage to look at him, so instead, I continued with my story.
"First, he started with little things. Little touch here, a little touch there. He never asked, but it just happened. And I used to think it didn’t mean anything. That's what people do. They touch each other. Especially in our profession. We connect with people in different ways. We kiss other actors like we love them and they're our soulmates. He's trying to help. That's what I used to think. And then one small touch became a grope. And again, I didn't think much of it. It was all during make-up and auditions, and I thought he was just making sure I looked perfect. And then, once my first job was booked and I was getting paid thousands of dollars, he came to me and said it was time to pay him back.
"I didn't know what he meant, but he…” I took a deep breath. “He made sure he told me. He wasn't afraid, either. He said I wasn't gonna see a penny of my money unless I slept with him. Unless I let him fuck me. And I did. I had to. I was on my own, miles away from home, with no money and no friends, because he made sure I didn’t have any and was struggling to make it from week to week. I needed to get paid to pay back the debt I owed him. If I hadn't slept with him, I'd have been homeless. And my parents, I couldn't do that to them. How could I possibly have told them all the money I was making was held hostage by my agent and that I had surmounted so much debt in so little time?
"So, I slept with him, and he got me other jobs, and the same thing kept happening. Of course, by that point, he didn't threaten me with keeping my money, but with going out to the press. I was a little slut, he said. I liked sucking cock and that's how I got where I did. And maybe that's true. Those first six years of my life, living the big dream, were the worst of my life. I lost hope in humanity, in my dreams, in myself…"
"Oh my God, Dawson, that's horrible," Leo mumbled.
I turned and finally looked at him. Tears were running down Leo's face. I’d never told anyone, not a soul, about any of this. I didn't know why I’d felt the need to let Leo be the first.
"And that's why I live in the moment. In the present. I just can't keep thinking about the past and what happened to me. It took me a long time to get here, a lot of tears, a lot of anger and soul searching, but I did. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you might be mad at me for doing what I did, for making a mistake, but it wasn't all rainbows and roses for me, either. It might have looked that way, from afar, but it was anything but. I hope you can forgive me," I said.
His tears caught the glint of the dim light, and I just wanted to forget all of this, to stop talking and ask him to hold me. To hold me like I had never been held.
“You know what I just realized? I'm not actually upset with you. I was always more upset with myself, but I think…I think I didn’t want to admit it. I was the one who screwed up the showcase. Yes, I did feel betrayed, how couldn’t I be? You left without even a note. Not a message. Nothing. I know it may not look that way, but I'm not mad at you about what you did, especially after what you’ve just admitted to, but with the fact that you left me behind. And, I don't know why, but when I saw you again after all these years, all those feelings came rushing back, and I didn't know what to do with them. I guess, in a way, I never got over you," Leo said.
“I never got overyou," I said and grabbed a tissue to blow my nose.
"What happened after those six years? How did you escape him?" Leo asked.
I put the tissue on the bedside table and turned to look into Leo's eyes. They were the same eyes that haunted me on lonely nights when I couldn’t talk to anyone. The same eyes that I’d let down and paid the price for it. I laid back on the bed, and Leo followed suit so we ended up face-to-face on our pillows.
