Page 58 of Starting Over in Starshine Cove
I hear the phone laid down, and some mooching movements in the background. After a few moments, she picks it up again and says: “Feeding time at the zoo. Bloody hell, this teething business isn’t for the faint-hearted, is it… it’s been very humbling, being an actual mother. All these years I’ve seen women for pregnancy problems, and helped with nappy rash and childhood ailments, and now I finally realise why they all seemed so strung out! Anyway. We are guaranteed a few minutes’ peace and quiet now. How did it go? Where are you?”
“I think I’m on Wimbledon Common, but don’t hold me to it.”
“Oh. You spent the night, did you? I assume it went well then, you dirty stop-out!”
“Umm. Kind of. Ella, what do you know about chronic kidney disease?”
“Quite a lot. Why? Are you all right? What are your symptoms?”
I hear the change in her voice immediately, the switch from pal to professional.
“I don’t have any – it’s not me, it’s Zack. He’s sick, and that’s why he left. He said he didn’t want to burden me. He said he might decline, and he said he’s not sure how long he’s going to be around for.”
My voice cracks slightly as I say this, and I think it is really hitting me for the first time. Yesterday, I kept it all tucked away inside me for his sake – it was very much all about him, because that’s what he needed. Now, I am feeling the emotions sweeping over me – wondering how life could be so cruel as to show me that love is possible again, but then threaten to take it away again straight away. Tears spill from my eyes, and Bear whines a little at the sight of me being so upset.
“Oh. I see. Do you want me to be a friend right now, or a doctor?”
“Can’t you be both?”
“Not at the same time. Let’s do doctor first. Do you know what stage he’s at?”
“He’s just gone into stage four.”
“Right. Well, that’s not wonderful, but it’s also not terrible. People can stay in stage four for years. Some never go any further. But you have to be realistic – sometimes they do. It can cause other serious health problems, and it can progress to stage five. That might mean dialysis, or a transplant. Neither of which is easy.”
I nod, then realise she can’t see me. I wipe the tears from my eyes and tell myself to hold my shit together.
“Yeah. That’s what he said. He’s scared, Ella, which you can understand, can’t you? But I’m scared too… and I have no idea what to do here. He’s told me he feels the same about me as I do about him.”
“Full list of Ls on both sides?”
“Yes. And in normal circumstances, I’d be so happy this morning. But if I’m brutally honest, I have my concerns. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can let myself fall in love with a man I might lose. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive that again. Does that make me a terrible human being? Because it makes me feel like one!”
I hear baby Kitty squawking, and Ella comforting her. It feels like they are a million miles away.
“Connie, no – of course it doesn’t make you a terrible human being! This has all come as a shock to you. You’ve only just found out, whereas he’s had time to adjust. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met. Your heart is as big as the moon, and you always put others first. But that doesn’t mean you get to ignore yourself, and your own feelings. If you have doubts, you need to consider them, because it wouldn’t be fair to him or to you if you didn’t. Look, if you took the CKD out of the equation, how would you see this working out?”
“I’m not sure,” I say, scratching Bear behind the ears as I talk. “I mean, it’s new. All new things come with complications, don’t they? Like the fact that he lives in London and I live in Dorset. Like telling our kids. All of that stuff. But to be honest, I don’t think I’d care about any of it… I love him, Ella, even though I kind of think that’s ridiculous at my age. I love him so much it actually hurts to think of being away from him.”
“Oh gosh,” she replies, and I hear the emotional catch in her voice. This is rare for Ella. “That’s… beautiful. It’s exactly how I felt about Jake. And stop going on about your age, will you? So – he feels the same?”
“Yes, I think so. No, I know so. He does. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. Feel it in every touch. This is real.”
“Real wins every time. Would he consider moving to Starshine, do you think, because I really can’t see you in London… at least I hope not. I’d miss you.”
I turn the concept over in my mind, wondering if I would be capable of another big life change. I mean, there’s no real reason not to. My kids are grown enough to handle it. I could sell the café, or get someone to manage it. My finances are sound. I like this area of the city, could just about imagine a life here. Except… I’m not sure it’s one I’d want. There would be no George, and no Archie, and no Ella. All of my friends would be so far away, and I’d miss the sea and the sand and the stunning countryside views. Starshine is a special place, and it has been my home for so long that it’s hard to separate myself from it. We kind of come as a team.
“I don’t know. But I think he’d like to stay in Starshine. He said as much last night – that he could imagine building a life with me there. Now, though, it all feels so big. What about his condition? What about his hospital and his doctor and his treatments? He has no idea what’s going to happen next – how his health will hold up, how long he has left, any of it! We have no clue what the future might look like!”
More tears spring up, just as I’d got rid of the last ones. Damn them.
“Oh, Connie, I know… It is complicated. It is big. But I have to say this – there are hospitals where we live. There are doctors where we live. If he especially wanted to stay with his current team, he could. I could do all his tests and monitor him, and liaise with them. It’s not the other side of the world. That stuff can be managed. As for the rest… well, whodoesknow what the future looks like, Connie? None of us do. Even without illness, none of us have a clue. We don’t know how long we’ve got, or how long our loved ones have got, or what is around the corner.That’s the way life is. It’s scary, but it doesn’t mean you can stop living it.”
On those words, I hear Kitty start crying in earnest, and my friend’s helpless attempts to calm her down.
“Ella, it’s fine. Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Go see to the baby, and I’ll call you later, okay?”
“You promise?”
