Page 19 of Bleeding Hearts
Fuck, my thoughts are morbid tonight. I hate this type of drunk. It’s the worst and always makes the memories stronger, so I drop my drink in the sink and stop.
“Lally, are you okay?” The soft voice startles me from my thoughts, and my eyes swing to her before I groan. Of course she’s here. Tugging my arm out of her grip, I march through the party and out the back door, needing to escape her and the panic still clawing at my throat until I can’t breathe.
I nearly lost her like I lost Tommy.
She needs to get away from me before she dies for real.
I’m buzzed, not drunk, but I get lost as I head out of the back garden and find myself in the half-lit tunnels between dorms.
“Lally!” Alice yells, and her footsteps pound on the pavement as she tries to catch up to me. I start to run when I’m suddenly yanked back around. The force sends me into one of the tunnel walls as she glares at me. “Jesus, Lally, stop running. At least let me take you home to sleep it off.”
“I’m fine. Go home,” I order, tugging my arm free as I move past her, but she pushes me back again.
“You aren’t fine. Stop saying that,” she demands, her eyes bright.
Fuck, she looks so beautiful. Her lips glisten with whatever fucking gloss she’s using, and her face is bare except for some mascara. Her pleated skirt is short, leaving her long, lean legs on display, and I hate that other people have seen them.
“Lally,” she says.
I jerk my eyes up, swallowing as I stare at her.
I’m trapped as I meet her eyes, seeing she won’t back down. I can’t lose her. I can’t let her die like I let Tommy. I just fucking can’t. When my words come, they are cruel and filled with venom meant to make her hate me.
It’s better than dying for that love, because at least then she’ll be alive.
“Go home, Alice,” I hiss. “I don’t want you. Why the fuck can’t you understand that? Why are you so desperate to cling to me? Is it because your parents didn’t love you enough?” She flinches, and I hate it, but she steps back, her eyes glistening with pain. “Why can’t you see I fucking hate the sight of you? My best friend is dead because of you, so leave me the fuck alone!”
I’m panting when I finish, and she’s staring at me with tears in her eyes, her lips pursed slightly. Even crying, she’s so beautiful it hurts. I’m such a fucking mess, and she’s perfection. I can’t mar that. I expect her to turn and run away. The old Alice would, but this one steps toward me, her nostrils flaring with determination.
“Do you know how many times you have given me these speeches?” she snaps, her voice thick with anger as she refuses to back down.
Laughing bitterly, I shove my hand into my hair and push it out of my face. “Then why do you stick around?” I ask.
“Why?Why?” She looks away, laughing incredulously, and when her gaze comes back to mine, her eyes are filled with things I don’t want to acknowledge. “Every sentence out of your mouth rips me to shreds. Every time you look at me, it’s filled with hate. Why, Lally? Why would I stick around when you are so fucking awful to me that I know your barbs better than my own voice?” Her hand hits my chest, shoving me back into the wall as I gape at her. “I stick around because I care!” she yells. “I care about you, Lally, but maybe I’m just fucking punishing myself, but I don’t deserve it. I am not responsible for what happened. It’s a fucking tragedy, and it haunts me too. It fucking sucks, but it isn’t my fault!” she screams in my face, a tear trailing down her cheek. “It’s not my fault,” she says softly, “so stop blaming me so I can stop blaming myself, okay?”
I know if I stay, I’ll be lost to her, and this will only end one way.
She’s right, it isn’t her fault, and deep down, I never blamed her, not really. I blame myself, and I hate myself for not being able to save Tommy, but I won’t lose her too.
“We’re through.” I jerk my hand between us. “Whatever this was, it’s over. It’s too damn hard. All it does is hurt us both.”
“Lally,” she whispers, staring into my eyes.
“No. It’s over.” I swallow around the thickness in my throat, my heart beating so rapidly I struggle to breathe. “We’re through.” I push past her as the first tear falls, not wanting her to see it.
Each step I take away from her feels like a spike being driven into my chest, but I know it’s for the best. “You’re right. It’s really over,” she whispers. “Why do I miss your hate as soon as it’s gone? It’s better than this . . . silence. I can handle you hating me, but I can’t handle you leaving me,” she calls, but I keep walking until I’m suddenly spun again.
“It’s not over,” she warns, her chest heaving as tears trail down our faces. “It’s not, so hate me, spill your venom into me. I’ll take it all. I don’t care. I won’t leave you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her lips crash onto mine, and my eyes widen as I freeze. She sucks on my lower lip before biting down, and when my mouth opens on a gasp, she sweeps her tongue inside. Her hands grip my shoulders, tugging me down, and my eyes slide shut of their own accord as I groan, kissing her back. I grab her hips to tug her closer so we are pressed together, but then my senses slowly flood back, and I try to pull away. She kisses me harder, refusing to let me go.
Her kiss hurts as much as my words do, yet it feels so good.
This is what I was searching for in other people’s beds.
All the anger and pain morphs into desire so strong, I can’t stop. I eat at her mouth as I spin us, and her back hits the wall. She moans into my lips, the sweet, little sound making me hot all over.
“Lally,” she whispers, tilting her head. I kiss her deeper. I don’t want her words. Not right now. I need to forget, and I do so in her lips, but I need more.
