Page 67 of Lady of Fortune
"Yes," he said, and her chest squeezed.
"I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving."
CHAPTER33
Eddie had wrestled all night with what he would say to Julia today. He had known he had to see her again, that he couldn't leave things as they were. But what to share with her? Would he tell her how he really felt, allow her to leave her entire life for him? He had considered it long and hard. Had he still been a reputable jockey, with a steady promise of races as well as no stain on his name, it would have been a slightly easier decision. Had he something to offer her, well then, perhaps he would decide to give their love a chance.
But he had none of that. He had no idea where he would even go now. He just knew he had to leave this place. And he wasn't going to ruin Julia's life along with his own.
"What do you mean, you're leaving?" she demanded, her blue eyes flashing. As much as he despaired of her anger, he loved the way she wore her emotions all over her face. He had watched her as she sat next to Orianna, sensing the way she felt the horse's pain, how she would have done all she could in order to bring the horse back to full health. What other noblewoman would care so much about an animal? Most would see Orianna only as a means to their own prosperity, but not Julia — she saw the horse as more than an investment, but as a living being that required her love and attention. It was how Julia approached everything in life — she cared, and she loved, with all of her heart.
And now, as she contemplated him, well, it didn't seem to be with love, which he supposed was good. If he could make her angry with him, it was a better emotion than leaving her hurt.
"I'm not entirely sure where," he said truthfully. "Perhaps Epsom."
"You'll be riding for days!" she exclaimed and Eddie shrugged. "Sure, but I'd be riding there eventually anyway, as its where the next major horse race will take place. I may stop in London for a time."
"Oh?" she said, her hands on her hips now. "And what will you do there? Have a bit of fun?"
She tossed the words out with flippancy, but he could see how much it hurt her to consider what he might be doing in London.
"I'll just be taking a break from traveling," he said, which was the truth — he had no real plans at this point.
"I see," she said, now crossing her arms over her chest, her fidgeting giving away the fact that she was not particularly comfortable with this conversation. He could practically see her thinking, though of what, he had no idea.
"Before you go," she said, stepping closer toward him. "You have to do one last thing."
"What's that?"
"You must kiss me one more time."
"Julia..." he said, his voice breaking. For to kiss her again would be the most tortuous act for both of them. It would be a promise of what could have been, but what would never be again. And yet... when she looked up at him like that, her eyes ever so slightly glistening with her tears, her lips pink and ready for him, that halo of blonde hair around her head... he also could not keep himself away.
With a groan, he reached his arms out, pulling her to him, savoring this last kiss. His lips came down on hers, at first with some hesitation, but then when she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, he couldn't hold back any longer, and he allowed all of the passionate desperation, all of the frustration at the fact that he loved this woman and yet must let her go, pour out from him through their lips where they were fused together.
Eddie could taste the salt of the tears running down her face as they slipped through their conjoined lips, and moisture pricked at his own eyes in response. His lips slanted over hers again and again, tasting, loving, fusing the two of them together. All of the words he wanted to say to her yet couldn't were spoken through this kiss, through the desperate way they clung to one another, as though they were each the support allowing them to breathe.
He could have stayed like this with her forever, and every instinct within him was telling him to pick her up, to carry her away to the copse of trees beyond the stables, to lay her down upon the ground and make love to her, to show her how much he wanted her, how much he needed her.
But to do so would be the most selfish act he could possibly make. For she was an innocent, and as much as he despaired of the thought of any other man lying with her, she was a woman who must save herself for a man who could promise a life together with her, who could tell her as well as show her just how much he loved her.
And that man was not him. It couldn't be.
He broke away from her, and as he did so it felt as though his entire heart was ripped in two, one half remaining here with her, within her very own chest.
"Don't leave me," she whispered, her arms still around his neck.
"I have to," he groaned, wiping away the tears that threatened as she shook her head wildly, though her hands moved to his chest, where they stayed planted, as though she couldn't decide if she wanted to draw him close or push him away.
"How can you do this?" she asked, her eyes searching his imploringly. "You claim not to love me, yet you've done so much for me, made all of my dreams come true — but one. You kiss me as though I am the only woman in the entire world, yet you would throw this all away because you have some notion that we would not work together. But you are wrong. For everything about the two of us is entirely right."
Her words resounded through him, and he closed his eyes, turmoil coursing through his soul. He should give in, tell her she was right, tell her he loved her, that —
"Julia!"
They jumped apart as the voice cut through the air, both a call as well as a command, and Eddie glanced over at Julia, seeing her cheeks were flushed a bright pink, but she stood tall and proud, as though she had nothing of which to be ashamed.
"Father," she said as Lord St. Albans drew closer, his gaze upon Eddie as he approached, and Eddie received the message — that he had no business being out here, alone with Lady Julia Stone, let alone kissing her. Whether the Earl was aware of what had occurred between them, Eddie had no idea, though he sorely hoped the man did not.
