Page 61 of Lady of Fortune
“Julia —” he began, but she was determined.
“Eddie, it does not matter what my parents say nor what they think. It does not matter whether I am of one class and you are of another. And it certainly does not matter what anyone else in society might think.”
She cast a pointed look at the Duke’s retreating back.
“All that matters,” she continued, “is how the two of us feel for one another, and what we want out of life. For I do not care for anything that a man such as the Duke might be able to provide if he cannot give me the same love that you can. All I want is to be with a man who loves me as much as I love him, who can promise me that he will always be true, and will spend the rest of his life by my side. Let’s run away together, Eddie. We can be married as soon as we’d like and we need no one’s permission. Oh, how romantic that will be! Do you have time before your next race? What do you say?”
Her hands were clasped together in front of her breastbone, her eyes gleaming at him in the moonlight. It was all so very tempting. To do as she said, to leave with her, to be married, tied together in a nearly unbreakable bond. And yet…
“Julia,” he said gently, reaching out now to take her hands in his as he could no longer take the eagerness with which she stared at him. “You say that now, but that is in this moment when the romance is new, and all seems covered in magic. Today has been one of accomplishment for you, one in which you have proven, if even only to yourself, that you are as amazing and competent on horseback as you always knew you could be. The rush of a win, it’s the best part of being a jockey. But unfortunately everything else is not nearly as glamorous. The life we would have together… it is not one of which you would be used to, and I’m afraid you’d grow tired of it after a time. It’s not worth it.I’mnot worth it.”
She pulled her hands from his, anger now flaring within her expression.
“Do you truly think so little of me? Yes, I may be prone to falling for romance, I can admit that. But Eddie, I have loved no other man but you for overeightyears. Do you know how many men I have encountered in that time? Men who hold far higher rank, who could offer me all the wealth, all the gowns, all the horses in the world? Quite a few. True, not all would be interested in me, of course, but I had not even the slightest bit of interest or attraction in any of them. What does all of that matter, anyway, if you do not have someone to love you?”
He sighed, looking down at the ground, dark beneath their feet, unable to meet her eyes for then she might read all he was feeling, all of the love he held for her. That she would hold him in such high esteem, would give up everything for him, was unbelievable. He didn’t doubt that once she committed to him she would never leave him, would never acknowledge that she regretted their marriage. But there was more of which she wasn’t aware.
“Julia, you do not know it all,” he said, his hands now on his hips, his gaze to the side. “I’m not even sure if I will be a jockey anymore.”
“What are you talking about?” she demanded, and he told her now of the Jockey Club’s suspicion that he had been involved in disguising Midnight Express as Valiant. When he finally looked up to meet Julia's gaze, she wore a shocked expression, her eyes wide and her mouth round.
“You cannot be serious,” she finally exclaimed, “I can hardly believe that anyone would think you are to blame!”
He shrugged. “Your father is aware. He was actually the one who told me. He agrees that he cannot see how I would be involved, which I appreciate. And yet, there is not much that can be done, nor changed. I will no longer be riding Valiant, and will any other owner decide to hire me?”
“Of course they will!” she said with such conviction in him that it made him love her all the more. “How could they not? You are the best jockey there is. How many races have you won now?”
“Ah, but those are all with Valiant, or, as I should call him now, Midnight Express.”
“It doesn’t matter. You trained me to win today as well.”
“You won on your own accord. I just taught youhowto train.”
“Stop being so silly,” she said, nearly pleading with him now. “You will still be a jockey. I know it. And if not, then you will figure something else out, and I will help you.”
“It’s not that simple,” he said, exasperated now, for she was putting up a rather good argument. “In the best scenario, I could become a horse trainer. In the worst, a groom once more.”
“Then I will be a groom’s wife,” she said simply. “All that matters is that you love me, and I love you.”
She looked at him sharply then, her eyes penetrating his, as though she could see straight through to his inner thoughts. “Youdolove me, do you not? For it certainly… seems that way.”
Yes.Yes. Of course he loved her. How could one not love Julia? She was a captivating angel on the outside to be sure, but inside, she had the most beautiful soul of anyone he had ever met. She made him a better person — more than the cocky, self-assured jockey he had become. The thought of waking up next to her every day filled him with a joy he never thought possible. But he couldn’t make her give up everything for him. It was too great a sacrifice. If he really loved her as much as he did, he would have to let her go.
“I —” he swallowed hard, the words cutting into him like knives as they escaped his throat. “I care for you, Julia, I do, but I do not love you.”
She gasped as though he had plunged a dagger through her heart, and at that moment Eddie hated himself more than he ever had before. Pain covered her features and she seemed to crumble in upon herself, the strength that made her the woman she was fleeing, to be replaced by a vulnerability he had never seen in her before. She looked like a sad little girl, and every cell within his body was urging him to hold her, kiss her, and soothe away her ache — but it was he who had caused it, and he who must allow it to remain.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and then without a word, she turned and fled back toward the house, leaving him with only the view of her retreating back.
* * *
Julia could hardly seethrough her tears as she raced toward Dorchester’s house, though why, she had no idea. For the last thing she wanted to do at the moment was return to the party, where she might have to actually speak to someone. No, she must find her carriage, go home, and spend the rest of the night and the next day hiding in her bed, away from the world.
Her heart was breaking in two, and in the same breath, she was angry — at herself. What a fool she had been. All this time she had assumed that Eddie had loved her as equally as she did him but she had been nothing more than a game to him.
Their kisses had been so real, so full of emotion, that she had been sure that he felt for her in equal measure what she did him. Before her parents had arrived, she had believed she and Eddie would promise one another a life together. She was ready to give up everything for him. But she would not, could not, for a man who did not love her.
She made it to the terrace and was searching for a way in without having to pass through a throng of partygoers when she ran headlong into another body that emitted anoomphas it went backward. Julia stopped, horrified at her negligence, but her countenance changed when she saw who was standing there in front of her.
