Page 116 of Hot Mess Express
“Why don’t you take a trip up to Kansas to visit him? You got all the freedom in the world to do that.”
“Oh … well … it isn’t so simple.” She sighs on my shoulder.
“Of course it is. You got money fallin’ outta your ears. You aren’t bound to Spruce by your father’s pest-sprayin’ business. You can take off a whole month and spend it with him in Kansas.Don’t you dare take a whole month off,” I suddenly throw in, hissing out the words, “because I can’t go that long without seein’ you.”
Her arms slip off of my waist as she takes a few steps away, pouting. “Thing is, he’s got his family up there. And his whole life. Just like Bridger. And … well … he didn’t exactly invite me up there to see him.”
“He didn’t?”
“He keeps telling me he can’t wait to see me again, but … but I feel like maybe he doesn’t want me to go up there. He hasn’t said it, not exactly, but … y’know that feeling you get? In here?” She pokes a finger into her stomach. “Like, when you’ve got feelings for someone, but you have no idea if they’ve got the same ones for you? Is he embarrassed of me?” she suddenly asks, her eyes going wide as she looks back at me. “Am Iembarrassing?”
“There’s nothin’ embarrassin’ about you, don’t even,” I throw back at her.
“I’m not exactly the take-home-to-mom-and-dad type.”
“C’mon, Juni. Pete’s crazy about you.”
“What if he’s, like, just having fun? And maybe I’m putting all of my baskets into this one egg …”
“Other way around.”
“… and he doesn’t feel the same? Anthony … I think I love …” Her whole body tense up. She chokes. “I-I think I love him. No, Ido. I know it. I really do love him.” She looks at me, astonished by her own statement—and maybe the realization, too. “I love Pete so much, it hurts. Like, even in my butt. My butt hurts, I’m so in love with him. Don’t you love Bridger that much, too? Doesn’t he make you want to scream? And also cry? And also eat lots and lots of ice cream with all the free toppings?”
Yes, yes, and yes. “Juni, I know it’s frustrating …”
“Aren’t you guys losing your minds over the distance? If they have to delay yetanothermonth …”
“Don’t jinx it.”
“I’ll just burn something down. Or buzz all my hair off. Or call my daddy up after all of these years and finally tell him tolick a dick.” She sighs, then glances back into the empty unit. “Or … I’ll just wait a little longer … I guess.”
I pat her shoulder, giving it a rub. “We just gotta be patient.”
“Easy for you to say. Things are looking up for you. Your dad’s business—well,yourbusiness too, now—it’s doing well enough that you got yourself your own place. I didn’t even have to help, even though I really wanted to. I know you gotta do it on your own. I see your life blowing up. Like, in the good way. Mine is just …” Her eyes go glassy. “… the same. Oh, I just made myself sad.”
“Sounds like anythingbutthe same, the way Pete’s got youall messed up, inspiring you to … to tell your scum of a dad to lick a dick. That’smysayin’. Hey, listen to me.” I hold Juni by the arms, bringing her lost, worried eyes to mine. “I’m tellin’ you, you aren’t the same woman who threw a ton of her money recklessly at me at an auction.”
“It wasn’t that much, actually.”
“When’s the last time we’ve gone to the Saloon?” I go on. “Or drank our silly asses off ‘til we couldn’t see each other’s faces? You changed more than you realize, Juni. Shit, I see the inspiration in your eyes. Like a fire or somethin’.”
“What good’s inspiration when you can’t do nothing with it? I think I’m … I’m still not happy. Something’s missing … something much bigger. Maybe it isn’t even about Pete. Not exactly. I just …” She pouts. “I just don’t know what it is. Something I can’t buy.”
I pull her in for a hug. The way she grips me back tells me she very much needed it. “You’ll figure it out, Juni. I know you will.”
“You’re such a good friend. To think I almost called my dad up to tell him to lick a dick.”
“Look at us,” I say, pulling back. “We’ve grown up so much, makin’ better decisions for ourselves. Not burnin’ shit down. Not tellin’ our parents to suck our dicks.”
“They’ll come back—Pete, Bridger—they’ll come back for us.”
Those words always make me feel funny. Like they’re forcing me to acknowledge the giant pit of doubt in my stomach that’s convinced I may not ever see Bridger again, that he’ll figure out what he needs in life is in Kansas, that maybe I’ve been kidding myself thinking I might soon share a bed with Bridger again, that absence did not in fact make his heart grow fonder.
“Y-Yeah.” I fight that doubt in my stomach. “Of course they will, Juni. Fuck yeah.”
“Let’s throw them a big party,” she decides. “I’ll plan it. A real, real big party to welcome them back to Spruce. We’ll remind them of the happiness they found when they came here the first time. They won’t ever want to leave.”
The light that’s bursting in her eyes right now could make me believe just about anything. I put on a grin, even if just half of my heart’s in it. The other half’s waiting on a special boy in Kansas to make his mind up about getting his ass back down here to Texas.
