Page 20 of Genesis
“Don’t act like you give a fuck, Dire.”
Zan gave a fuck, so I was forced to give a fuck. I swallowed down two random pills, and when Zade looked at me with sad eyes, I swallowed two more. Hopefully none of them would encourage my mind to hallucinate him being his twin.
Neither of us needed that shit.
CHAPTER 9
I’M SICK. I’M SICKER
ZADE
Floating.In the lake. In my mind. Weightless enough to ride the surface, but dark-minded enough to sink to the bottom. Which would win?
Drag me under and keep me forever.
Pull me to safety and show me how to live.
The stars multiplied through the drips of water on the lenses of Zan’s glasses. Everything blurred and sound became muffled with my head tipped back in the lake, ears under the water and face above. Floating. Could I feel him here? Was Zan surrounding me? Had his body decomposed and poisoned the lake or was this hostility only from myself?
Weeds that felt like hands gripped the back of my body, but they never pulled me under. They caressed and taunted—teased me with the prospect of drowning. On the edge of death, with no way to get there, I kept floating.
Memories hurt. Reminders of reality hurt worse. Cadoc hurt most of all. Seeing him without Zan wasn’t natural. They’d been attached at the hip since the moment they met, and to see him alone hurt my eyes. Hurt my heart. Cadoc wasn’t meant to bealone. He was meant to love aggressively and protect fiercely. He had no one left to love, and only me left to protect. I knew he’d resent me for it forever, but maybe he needed that resentment to keep moving forward. Forward seemed backwards.
“Fuck you!” Cadoc snarled, his open palms slapping the lake. “Fuck you for defying me! Fuck you for tricking me. Fuck you for not following the plan.” Too angry to cry, he just yelled at a lake. “Fuck you for leaving me.”
I held my breath and sank. The glasses stayed on my face, but the lenses cleared when I submerged. I looked through the rippling surface, seeing the moon and the stars and the darkness. Did they look back? Were they watching me try to drink the lake that contained my brother’s dead body? Would they judge me for it?
I choked on Zan’s water. I gasped for life while chasing death. The lake filled my stomach and my lungs. Baptized.
“No!” Cadoc’s voice hit my ears at the same time my face broke the surface of the lake. “No! You don’t get to die, too!” He hauled me up and smacked my back.
I threw up Zan. Coughing and spluttering the lake all over him while he just snarled at me, I looked at him and saw him look at Zan. I was Zan.
“Fuck,” he groaned as soon as I stopped choking. His big hands held the sides of my neck, and I crumpled under the sensation of being my twin. Cadoc looked at me like he’d always looked at Zan, and as much as it hurt, it felt fucking good. Too good. My body heated up and my mind fucked off, leaving me in a predicament I didn’t want to get out of. I’d be Zan if he just kept looking at me like that.
Loved. Chosen. Admired. Desired.
Cadoc’s eyes searched my face, trying to break through the illusion. With Zan lapping all around us, Cadoc felt him, and he put the feeling onto my body. He pulled me closer, and my bodypressed into his, choking me with a different sensation.Oh no.I wanted it. I liked it. I wanted him to take me like he’d claimed Zan and never let me go. It was the first good feeling in weeks, and I was too weak to sacrifice it.
I knew he was high and confused. I knew his mind wasn’t right. I knew this was wrong. I knew I wasn’t gay and that my body was only reacting to the desire to be desired.
“Fuck,” Cadoc whispered again, one hand trailing down my back. He grabbed my ass and my legs wrapped around his waist, the press of his hard cock foreign but wanted.
So wrong.
I barely saw him through the blurred and dirty lenses, but I felt him all over me. His hands grabbed like he’d never wanted anything more. His chest heaved with the restraint he barely showed. His fingers trembled, trying to break through the farce and see me for who I really was.
Keep me as Zan. Don’t stop touching me like that. Pick me.
Cadoc whimpered. Then snarled. Then grabbed my ass and rocked me on his hard dick. My body responded, my cock full of the blood that should have gone to my brain. I moaned, and it must have sounded like Zan’s moan because it set off a chain reaction in Cadoc that dipped us into the worst and best parts of hell.
Cadoc grabbed the back of my head and crashed his mouth to mine. I’d never been kissed. I’dstillnever been kissed because Cadoc was kissing Zan. I liked it, anyway, and that just pissed me off. Sick. I was sick.
His teeth tugged at my lip, and I was a weak enough loser to let him do it—to enjoy him doing it. Zan’s glasses pressed into my eyes, forcing me to close them. I didn’t care. I closed my eyes and pretended. Pretended to be gay so I could have this. Pretended to be Zan. Pretended that he wasn’t using me to getsome sick satisfaction out of my dead brother. Pretended I didn’t hate myself for wanting it, needing it, fucking begging for it.
“Fuck,” he hissed, ducking his head in an attempt to stop himself.
I didn’t think when I said, “Don’t stop.”
