Page 21 of Genesis
Cadoc whimpered, but his mouth hit mine again and his hands pulled me in harder. I’d fuck him—let him fuck me—just to make this sick feeling last. Just to feel something good among all the bad. I could hate myself for it when the drugs wore off.
He kissed like a savage. He bit and nipped and forced his tongue into my mouth so hard I couldn’t even breathe. Didn’t want to breathe.Kill me with pleasure I don’t deserve.His cock was hard and straining against mine, and when the lake waved and rocked us, I had half a second to appreciate that it was Zan trying to force us apart. It only made Cadoc cling to me harder. My legs wrapped tightly around his hips, my skin scorching water droplets between us, and my mind dipping so far into the gutter that I imagined what it’d feel like to actually have him fuck me.
I hated him. He got my brother killed. He fucked up my life and left me alone. I wanted him to fuck me just so he’d hate himself as much as I hated myself. My anger mixed with desire, and the concoction was fucking sinister.
He noticed. My anger wasn’t like Zan’s anger. Cadoc pulled back, reality hitting him just as hard as the wave of the lake.
“Fuck!” He shoved me away. Grabbed me back. Pushed me down. Pulled me up. “I want you to be Zan. Fuck, I want you to be Zan.”
I’d always wanted to be Zan. Be loved like him. Be admired like him. Be doted on like him. But I wasn’t. Never would be. No matter how much my body resembled his, my anger would always differentiate me from my twin.
“Goddammit,” Cadoc groaned. He leaned in, almost like he wanted to sneak one more guilty kiss from me, but he growled and backed away at the last second. “Drugs,” he huffed, pulling my limp body to the shore. I let him. I had no fight left in me.
We sat there, asses in the sand, knees bent, elbows resting on them. He lit a cigarette, and then he lit another, passing it to me. I didn’t smoke, but I guess he never did drugs either, so I took it and tried not to think about my dick softening between my legs.
“It can’t happen,” he said after three more cigarettes. “Ever.”
“I know.”
“Do you even want it?” he asked, then shook his head. “You don’t want it. You don’t want me.”
No, I didn’t. I just wanted the intensity of the way he used to look at Zan. I wanted someone to be so addicted to my body that they couldn’t keep their hands off it. I wanted passion and protection, longing and lust, and to be the whole world to someone. I never would be. Especially not to Cadoc.
“I’d have done it,” he admitted. “And then you’d hate me for it. Because I want your body, not you. I’d fuck you and pretend you were him because I’m… fucking sick. And you’d let me just because…”
“I’m sicker,” I supplied.
“It can’t ever happen,” he reiterated. “Ever.”
I took the glasses off and accepted another cigarette from him. We needed space. We needed to get away from each other without actually leaving one another. We needed Genesis. If we had a place to live and the freedom to wander without constantly being at each other’s sides, we’d develop some distance, our hatred would continue to simmer at a low boil, and we’d learn to exist in a community together. We were connected, whether we wanted it or not, but I could never be Cadoc’s whole world, and he could never be mine. We’d been denying that truth for a month now, wandering the grey area like we’d actually be ableto heal one another. We didn’t need each other. We needed help. Distractions. To watch over each other from a distance.
“It’s just the drugs,” I said, using them as an excuse.
“Is it?” He looked at me, blue eyes punishing.
I didn’t know. Sure, the drugs dropped our guards and inhibited our better judgement, but it was also deep-seated fear, guilt, pain, and a terrible way of coping with a loss we both felt deep in our souls. A death connected us and we didn’t know how to sort through the bullshit of that.
Cadoc pulled the crumpled receipt from his pack, running his fingers over Zan’s shitty writing. I watched him for a bit, knowing he hurt—knowing we both hurt in different ways. I took the family photo into my hands, placing my thumb over my parents’ faces. Amelia. Guilt swept through me, so I pushed it away. I couldn’t mourn her right now; I needed time to feel the full guilt of her death. But Zan. The only reason I could grieve for him was because I had a finger to point at Cadoc. Rationally, I knew Zan’s death wasn’t his fault, but it felt better to blame him, so I’d continue doing it. Amelia, on the other hand, was one hundred percent on me. I brought her to that cliff and stood beside her as she died. I lost her body by passing out after Cadoc pulled us from the lake.
I held out the photo for Cadoc. He trembled all over, hesitating long enough that I pulled it away. He grabbed my wrist and took the photo, putting the receipt in my hand instead. I ran my finger over Zan’s words, almost laughed at the price of lube they’d bought, and smoothed out the creases to preserve it for Cadoc.
“We’re going to Genesis in the morning,” Cadoc said. “We stick together, deal? Always?”
I nodded, liking that and hating it simultaneously. “Always.”
Second promise of my life.
CHAPTER 10
NEW BEGINNINGS
CADOC
Refusingto think about the clusterfuck of a mistake we’d almost made in a grief-stricken drug stupor, I stood next to Zade and looked at Genesis up ahead.
Genesis. What a biblical word for a bullshit world. New beginnings, eh? Yeah right.
“We’re doing this, Enge?” I cringed at the nickname, but I needed it. I needed to call him something to put some distance between us. “You’re sure?”
