Page 105 of Guarded
I shrugged. “I was handed into Lucifer’s care as soon as I could walk and talk. I’ve only seen them twice since, and that was two times too many.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s their loss.”
“It is.” Noah took my hands in his. “My love for you can be another first. A first for me too. For romantic love that’s returned, anyway.”
I hated that Lyle had been given such a gift only to throw it away. “It will be, Noah. I’m so fucking gone for you already. I can’t see it taking much to get the rest of the way there.”
“As sweet as this is, I’m fully aware you’re avoiding talking about your nightmares.”
I groaned, my head falling back against the wall. “Can I expect you to call me on my bullshit for the rest of eternity?”
“Yep,” he said cheerily. “Every damned day.”
I grumbled as though irritated, but I wasn’t. How could I be when he was talking so easily about our future?
“You don’t have to tell me though,” Noah said softly. “There’s no rush.”
“No, you’re right. You deserve to know all of me—the good and the bad. And if I keep putting it off, it’ll only get harder.”
Noah was quiet as I gathered my thoughts. There was no pretty way to say it, so I decided to keep it simple.
“The forty-seven hours I was topside for…I spent all of them hunting down and executing a shifter clan.”
There was no swift intake of breath, no look of horroron Noah’s face. He didn’t recoil away from me or judge me in any way.
No, he just clicked his tongue and resumed stroking my arms. “That must’ve been tough.”
“It was,” I croaked. “I was used to bloodshed in Hell…but that was different. I executed them knowing there’d be no reincarnation for them. No afterlife. An entire clan was wiped from existence because of me.”
“No, because of Lucifer.” Noah sat up and twisted to face me more fully. “Because you were ordered to. You didn’t have a choice, Jem.”
“I could’ve said no. I could’ve gone on the run.”
Noah scoffed. “You would’ve been hunted down and executed yourself. You stayed alive, Jem.”
“I chose myself over an entireclan,Noah. What does that make me?”
“A survivor,” he said fiercely. “Someone who was imprisoned and tormented. Who had no fucking hope of a better future but still refused to give up on the idea.”
I blinked away tears. “I should’ve spared them.”
Noah cupped my face in his hands. “What would’ve happened if you had? To them, I mean.”
I was confused. Wasn’t the answer obvious? “They would’ve lived.”
“Would they? Because the Lucifer I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting a time or two doesn’t strike me as the forgiving type. I assume you were sent to execute them for some slight against him.”
I nodded. “They had taken control of one of the portals to Hell and used that to try and blackmail him.”
Noah groaned. “Well, fuck me. No wonder he wanted them gone. Jem, you might’ve been the one to execute them, but they’d signed their own death warrants by doingthat. If you’d spared them, Lucifer would’ve had them executed by someone else. All that would’ve done was add you to the kill list.”
No…there was no way that was true.
Except…fuck. It was. Lucifer never would’ve allowed them to live after what they’d done. If I’d spared them, he would’ve simply sent another demon after them.
And then after me.
