Page 18 of Delayed Intention
“We are more than happy to have you. And Emunah is very excited to have her Aunt Lily for a sleepover.”
When we arrive at their house, I go to my designated guest room to unpack. Emunah comes home from school soon, and I set out to organize myself in the meantime. Pulling out my sweats and pajamas, I find the bundle of mail I’d grabbed and tossed into my bag this morning. The first three envelopes are junk that I dispose of in the trash. Next is the ‘save the date’ for my brother and Felicia’s wedding. The calligraphy is gorgeous—gold lettering and beneath it is, presumably, the same information in Hebrew—all on sky-blue card stock. I set it on the nightstand and looked at the remaining envelope, revealing a letter from Joshua Cohen.
Tearing it open, I read it a few times. It may be silly, but it feels better that he took the time to write me back, not just by email. Nona was right; making this connection feels… like something. Working together to help plan the wedding could’ve been uncomfortable if we’d remained out of touch. It definitely would have been hell for me. Setting the letter aside, I decided I wanted to write back and maybe keep our communication going, if he was up for that. But I don’t want to seem extra—I’ll wait until after the holiday and Shabbat. Then, if it still feels right, I’ll write back.
I hear Emunah calling my name from downstairs, my signal to turn on my Shabbat lamp and join my family.
Josh’s Letter
Josh, Estes Park, October 11, 2024
Lily,
Hello there. You wrote me a letter…
I was surprised to hear from you—it’s been a while since we’ve been in contact. Since you went to the trouble to hand-write your note to me, I thought maybe I should do the same.
As far as your apology goes, it’s more than okay. As you can imagine, I’ve moved on since then. I mean, it did feel shitty at the time, but that was mostly because our father had just left. Seriously though—we were just kids, and what’s done is done. Anyway, I’m trying to say that, of course, I accept your apology—if that’s what you need—but honestly, it was such a long time ago. No apologies were necessary as far as I’m concerned.
I caught what you said about being a PA. I’m glad you found something that you like. I know you didn’t want to do all that schooling your parents had planned. Believe me, you didn’t miss much.
We’ve had a couple of PAs in my practice over the years, and they’ve always been a valuable part of our team. Since I left the PHS, I have practiced with a non-profit that staffs free clinics in Western Nebraska and down around Laramie. It’s challenging but rewarding work. When I’m not working, I live full-time in Estes Park, which I guess you know, since this is what makes it possible for your grandmother to find me useful.
I was sorry to read about your struggles with anxiety. I know you shared some of what was going on with you back then, but I don’t think, at the time, I could appreciate how much you had to cope with. As an adult with more life experience, I understand how debilitating all of that can be.
I hope you’ve found the support you need or want. I remember your family was a bit difficult about being there for you.
Anyway, it’s good to hear from you, and I’m glad we’re back in touch. Let me know your schedule, and we can coordinate a time for you to visit.
— Josh
One More Thing
Josh, The Internet, October 2024
Hey Lily—
I got your email with the dates: the first week in November would be fine. Let me know when you book your arrangements. It’ll be cool to see you in person again.
I’ve had some more time to think about your letter and want you to know I appreciate your honesty.
Since you shared with me about your anxiety, I’ll tell you something about me I don’t normally admit to. I mean, I am sure it’s obvious, but I never really talk with anyone about it. It’s that I’m a workaholic. I love what I do—working for clinics that provide desperately needed medical care—for me, it’s been a perfect fit. My time in the PHS was the best possible lead-up to it. But I’m aware that I avoid life by working too much. If there’s a tough case that needs house calls, I’m the one who volunteers. If there is someone who wants time off, they know I’ll say yes to covering their clinic hours.
So, there’s something about me. Hope you have a happy Sukkot holiday however you celebrate it.
Take care—Josh
What’s 19 Years Between Friends
Josh, On the Road to Colorado, October 2024
“It’s a good thing you’re cute girl, because you smell like shit. I love you too much to leave you behind, but damn, Ginger.”
In reply, she lets out more silent but deadly fumes. I open both truck windows, even though it is a cool 40 degrees and raining. I need to talk to Steve about the staff feeding Ginger human food while I’m working. I look over at her. Other than my mom, Michelle, and her kids, I’ve never loved any being as much as I love Ginger. I’ve rescued a few others before her, but she’s so earnest and sweet—she’s my favorite.
When I rescued her, she was terrified of everything, and I worried she would become aggressive. I’d had no experience with border collies, but my last dog was part pit bull. It turns out Ginger is brilliant and was easily trained from the beginning. Now, I think part of her genius is that I’m the one who was trained. I reach over and scratch behind her brown and white spotted ear. It probably says something pathological about me that I only have a few women consistently in my life, and that the only one I’m not related to is a dog.
Whatever—Ginger has my heart.
