Page 143 of Catch Me
“My lips are sealed.”
Brooks nudged him out the door, and when it closed, I took a long drink of my coffee. There was no denying that going to every World Series game would be the experience of a lifetime. If only it wasn’t so complicated.
Was I hung up on Travis? No, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see him, and I couldn’t imagine he’d be happy if I showed up. Allegedly, he told Sen that he didn’t care, but of course he’d say that. This was Travis. Nice, too good for this world Travis.
Besides, I was the one who fucked it up. It seemed right that I shouldn’t come around. I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable or even feel awkward. He deserved to feel completely happy.
I opened up my messages, just as I’d done way too often. Every time, I wondered if there was something I could’ve said that would’ve changed it. It didn’t really matter, but that was how regret worked. Even though I’d accepted it, I might always feel a twinge of that.
Did that make him the one that got away? I just hoped that didn’t mean I’d never find someone else. That was depressing as fuck.
When I started reading the last message, I froze. I assumed that he’d blocked me at a certain point, and none of the messages after he responded at the end of January had shown they were read. But they did now.
Had he unblocked me? If so, why? And he’d looked at the texts after doing it.
It didn’t mean anything. He was morbidly curious, and since Sen mentioned me, he probably just couldn’t help himself.
If I went to the games, it wouldn’t be because of him. That was ludicrous. I’d stopped messaging him so that we could both move on and be happy. But, within the last week, we’d both looked at these texts.
No, it was nothing. It was three weeks in the same house and we’d thought it meant something. The timing was wrong, and even if it wasn’t, we barely knew each other then. We still didn’t know each other. Not enough for us to make promises during our one night together. Not enough for him to be so hurt when I left. Not enough formeto be so hurt when I left. Not enough for either of us to look at these texts ten months after we’d last seen each other.
Not enough for me to consider getting on a plane, even if nothing came of it, just to look at him and see if his eyes still held mysteries I wanted to unravel. They might hold only coldness or indifference.
Did I want to find out?
I didn’t think I had a choice. And if nothing happened, at least I’d get to watch the World Series. Maybe I’d make one more piece of art and add it to the folder I didn’t let myself open, the one full of him—every single drawing that never captured whatever life dwelled inside of Travis McKinney.
*****
Realistically, it hadn’t been that long since I was in Georgia. As soon as I walked out of the airport, it felt like ages ago. My eyes had gone to the place his Jeep was parked when he picked me up. That day, I’d forced myself not to look at him too closely or talk to him more than necessary.
I’d been a fool, but I was also lost back then. I was still lost. Just not as much.
The first two games were at Truist Park, the Braves’ stadium. I would’ve preferred to start off in Boston. It might feel less personal when we inevitably saw each other. He was having everyone over at hishouse tonight, and that just didn’t strike me as a good way to kick things off.
I hadn’t actually told anybody that I was coming. To be honest, I hadn’t known until two hours before the flight boarded. For hours, I paced my apartment, biting my nails down to the skin until it was painful.
It was a terrible idea, but when I’d thought about that plane leaving without me, I was faced with the fear that had plagued me the moment I left Travis alone in his bed: What if it was the wrong decision? That day, it had been. God, it had been the worst decision of my life. I’d known it immediately, but fear had driven me away from him. This time, that fear drove me back to him.
Not that it would do any good. I wasn’t even planning on doing anything about all of it. I was going to the games because my friends wanted me to. If he and I could clear the air, that’d be great, but I refused to get my hopes up about anything. It wouldn’t be fair to put him in that position, one where I asked him to remove a boundary he’d placed because of my own failure.
So, no. I wasn’t going to get on my knees and beg for anything. I was just taking a vacation and, if he gave me the chance, owning up to my mistakes, then walking away.
“Thank you,” I said when the girl behind the counter slid a pint of ice cream to me.
Once I was outside, I removed the lid and sunk my spoon in. The intense lemon flavor was incredible, just like I remembered it.
As I sat at a picnic table and swiped through some of my drawings, I realized how sad it was to do this alone. Maybe I should have invited one of the guys. Not a single one of them would have come alone most likely, and I wasn’t in the mood to be with the group, so I told myself there was nothing wrong with having a sweet treat by myself. Besides, I was working.
My finger hovered over a folder for a few seconds. Instead of doing the dumb thing and opening it, I tapped on the piece I was working on for a client. I had a feeling I’d spend a lot of my time here drawing, if only to avoid the guys. They’d no doubt try to drag me out all the time, which was bound to put me in awkward situations. I’d go to the games, but that was all they could really expect from me.
A text made me pull out my phone, and even though it was stupid, my heart began to race. When I saw Tilian’s name, all of the nerves fled and were replaced by irritation.
Tilian:U used the ticket, motherfucker?! Where are u?
Well, here we go.
Chapter 46
