Page 10 of Burn It Down
3
Fourteen days. Twelve hours. Forty-five minutes. And twelve seconds. Give or take a few. That’s how long it’s been since my after. My ‘after’ Gigi. A little more than two weeks ago, she showed up at my door. I thought,"Fuck, yes. My woman is coming back to me.”
Except she didn’t tell me she wanted me back. She barely told me anything. Except that I broke her heart. Then she let me fuck her because we both needed it. Then she told me to kick rocks. So, for fourteen days I did.
Meaning, for the past two weeks, I’ve had my face down in a glass of rocks. Whiskey. Gin. Tequila. Bourbon. Byrne asked me if I’d been hitting Bud a little heavy, since I barely function unless we have a call. I told him the truth. Nope, not a single beer for two weeks.
Every fucking thing else, though. As long as it’s strong and for a few hours I can forget about her. Except, even that doesn’t work. I started with vodka; but that’s how Gigi tasted the first night I took her. All the rest numbed me for a while, but I can’t shake her.
Cage keeps looking at me like he’s worried. Which, I guess, he should be. There’s no way anyone realized how serious I was about her. Not even me. Not until she showed up at my door to tell me to get lost. I knew what she wanted to say. I could see in her pretty eyes that she was done.
Done with me and whatever we were. Too bad losing her granted me clarity. Like how I was absolutely fucking in love with her. Pretty sure I knew it before then, if I'm being honest. I thought so once or twice, over the years. Then I just looked at her one night and though" I love this fucking girl"
After a good day, or even a bad one, Gigi was there waiting for me. Nothing felt like going home to her, and I got used to it fast. One night I came home and seeing her there hit me different than any night before that. My chest felt like a fist was closing around it.
Fuck, she was beautiful. Those dual colored eyes lit with emotion and it woke me up everywhere. She was mine. Wanted to be mine. For as long as I wanted her. I wanted her for keeps. Wanted a thousand more nights like that.
I never told her she was my woman. I don’t know how she doubted it. For months before I started things with her, I never fucked another girl. I mean, I wasn’t a Saint. I let them suck my cock and sometimes I let them ride my face. It wasn't her though, so it was never enough, never would be enough.
Then one night, before she changed my life, I saw pain in her beautiful eyes. I knew I couldn’t have her but I knew what we both wanted. After that I never wanted to hurt her again. I brought chicks home for a while just to keep up appearances. Gigi realized exactly what I was doing and put an end to it.
Hours after I drug her into my place, I told her it was a mistake. That Cage would kill us both. Then I sucked her pussy into my mouth and knew I didn’t give a shit. I was crazy about her before I ever got a taste of her. After Gigi…life continues but I hardly feel like it’s going on.
“Hey, bro,” Cage kicked me from my painful memories, “get your stank, funky, pathetic ass up. You’re helping me move my shit today. Get up. Take a fucking shower, Byrne gave us both the day off.” I blinked up at him from my perch on the common room couch.
“Right. The move. Sorry, bro-seph. Let me get dressed and shit.” I stood and wiped a hand over my face, trying to wash away the misery I knew he saw there.
“Hey, Finn,” Cage called as he followed me to the showers, “I’m fucking sorry bro.” I stopped as pain hit me at my chest then everywhere else too. I was the fuck up, not him; he never had to apologize for shit.
“Not your fault. I’m the piece of shit, bro.” Then I made myself shower and pulled on some almost clean clothes. Hadn’t left the station in two weeks, except to hit the bar. Until they cut me off.
An hour later, we were filling Charli’s massive F150 with the rest of Cage’s stuff. During the two weeks Charli had been back, he had gotten some of his things. Today, we got the rest he wanted to take. The furniture he was leaving for Gigi, if she decided to move in.
Last I heard, via eavesdropping, Gigi would be moving soon. My life would turn into a new kind of hell then. Having the woman who tore my heart out ten feet from me. Every. Day.
“Finn...I got something I need to say to you.” I was for sure Cage and I were going to come to blows at some point. Today was not the day; he'd be no match for my pain.
“Yeah?” I regarded him wearily as we sat at the open bed of the truck. Beers in our hands, though mine was untouched.
“I’m fucking sorry, Finn. You’re my best friend. You’re the person I trust the most with my life when we’re in the shit. I should have seen what was going on. I should never have told you to keep away from her. If I had known it was more...Finn, I had no idea it was like this for you.” Cage seemed as weary of the talk as I was.
I jumped when I felt his hand on my back. The Coopers were affectionate people; I had learned that long ago. I still got startled when it was aimed at me.
“I... man, I should have told you. I should have just come to you and said it was something more when it became something more. Or before it became something more. I don’t know. I fucked up, man. I don’t know...I don’t know how to deal with this shit. I never even dated someone before her. I would never have started up with Gigi if it was anything less, Cage.” The ground went blurry; I was so fucking ashamed that I was falling apart.
“Gigi is stubborn as shit. Charli is talking to her today. Not for you,” He put his hands up when I whirled to glare at him, “For Gigi. Both of you are a fucking wreck. I don’t know if you can work it out. I don’t know if either of you want to...”
“I wanted to. I want Gigi. She won’t even talk to me. Known her most my fucking life and she won’t even talk to me. How am I going to live across the hall from her? I don’t know if I can do it, Cage. I’m fucking losing my God damn mind now. I haven’t seen her in two weeks. How can I keep my shit together if she’s ten feet away?” Cage gave my shoulder a squeeze and touched his bottle to mine.
“First, you need to crawl your stupid ass out of the pubs. Take your dirty ass home. Deal with it. You don’t run from shit, Finn. When did that start?” I shook my head in frustration.
Cage was right; when my brothers went to jail, I told them what fuck ups they were and that I wanted nothing to do with them. After my sisters turned our place into party central, I told them to close their legs or piss off.
“Cage,” My voice came out strained and I took a long pull of the beer, “I... I don’t know if I can deal, bro. I... shit’s just not the same for me anymore.” Cage slid off the bed of the truck and peered up at me.
“Finn...so...it’s like that? Like really like that? You’re serious?”
I almost laughed; when he got serious with Charli, which was about a minute after he met her, I asked him the same thing. Even gave him shit for it. How the tables have turned.
