Page 11 of Burn It Down
“Y-yeah man. It’s like that, Cage. I can’t just sit there and watch her live her life like we never happened. It’s fucking killing me that she’s just carrying on like she’s fine. I can barely fucking function, Cage.” I hurled my beer down the street and it exploded against a tree and stained the ground.
“Jesus, fuck Finn. First, bro code states that I clarify for you, Gigi isnotfine. She is merely carrying on like she’s fine. I told you; Charli is handling her today because she's a fucking mess. Hasn’t left her dorm in days. Not for classes or even her lunches with Charli.”
My brows perked up; I knew she was struggling with classes but the girls had lunch every few days and she blew everything off for it. Even me.
“I don’t want her to be a mess. Doesn’t mean that shit don’t give me some hope.” I sighed and raked my hands through my hair, knowing it was in need of a cut.
“Look...you hurt her. Red hurt you. Doesn’t mean you give up. If you give up, then you are the douche canoe I told her you were. I fucked up with Charli. Then I followed her home and let her G.I. Joe brothers take me into the woods with guns. You do what you got to do if you want someone. If you think you want Gigi, if you feel like you won’t be the same without her, don’t you be a dick and give up. Because it’s hard? We do hard every day, Finn.” I looked at him long and hard, shocked he was giving me a pep talk in winning his baby sister back.
“I want her, Cage. To be honest, since we’re having it out,” I sighed and tugged my hair into a tiny ponytail, holding it with one hand, “It’s entirely possible I’ve been crazy about your sister since we were seniors.” I lunged back when he took a huge step forward.
“What! Since high school! You waited this long?” I was both terrified and confused by his reaction.
“Well, I mean, I wasn’t exactly sure at first. Then Iwas,but Gigi didn’t want anything to do with me. I knew she had a crush on me, though. Then I just kept my distance because I knew you hated the idea of me coming anywhere near her.” It was true, and when I said it out loud, I realized something: I was a fucking coward.
For so long, I had wanted Gigi. I got excited when she came to visit and lit the fuck up when she flirted with me. I loved the way she looked at me. How she came just close enough to almost let me feel her. Instead of doing something about it, being honest with my best friend, I fucked around.
Nailed every chick I could to prove to Gigi I was no good. To prove Cage right; that I was not to be taken seriously. Not to be trusted. I took Cage’s beer from him and emptied it then hurled it where the other lay smashed on the ground.
“You’re a fucking idiot.” Cage’s voice was clipped, and I knew he was on the same track as I was.
“Tell me something new. Jesus, fuck! I wasted so much fucking time. Did everything I could to drive her away. Because you didn’t trust me with her. Instead of proving you wrong. Instead of doing right by her. Fuck!” I screamed, anguish making my knees weak. I wasted so much God damn time.
“Pretty much. Jesus, Finn. If I had any idea it was like this,” Cage sighed and his hand clamped down on my shoulder, “I didn’t know you were chasing chicks to try to make up for something you thought you couldn’t have. Dude, why didn’t you just talk to me? I know I said stay away, but that’s because you started banging everything with a fucking pulse.” Cage wasn’t wrong and he sighed again, shoving me back against the truck.
“Basically. Right after Gigi kind of bailed on us,” I smirked despite myself, remembering the speech she had given me then, “I knew I shouldn’t feel the way I did. Didn’t mean I could make the shit stop. I don’t know exactly when it happened, not really. I just looked at her one day and thought she was amazing. One day she was just Red; funny and smart, our little tag along,” My smirk widened because it changed so fast.
"Then, I couldn’t wait to be around her, and I hated myself for it. So, I tried to get it out of my system. Gigi knew what I was doing before I did. Then she was just gone. When she came back, I didn’t stand a chance.” Gigi didn’t tell me I was wrecking her; I didn’t really believe she wanted me like I wanted her. Fucking around when I wanted her was wreckingme, though.
We just kind of avoided how bad I wanted her by not talking, not acknowledging it. Gigi was there, but not really; like she couldn’t stand it either. I wanted her to want someone else; I had a dozen reasons why she should. I was older and knew nothing about a good relationship. I had really little going for me and even less than was good enough for someone like Gigi.
Gigi was less certain of her future than the other Coopers, myself excluded of course. That didn’t mean she didn’t have a bright one waiting for to be figured out. Gigi was smart, so God damn smart it blew me away. There was nothing she wasn’t good at, and if she wasn’t so sweet it might be irritating.
What Gigi seemed certain of was that my future was bound to be more than I could see. That girl always saw me differently than anyone else. I wanted to understand why she looked at me and saw nothing but good. I didn’t see good in my mirror. I wished I could ask her how to figure out how to be the man she saw.
But suddenly, she was gone. For weeks. Then months. Drove me fucking crazy. After she graduated, Gigi wanted to see the world so she and her best friend set out to do just that.
I stalked her social media and watched her live her life. Far away from me and how my wanting her could ruin her. Could ruin me. I partially hoped she found something out there. At the same time, of course I didn't mean it. I was fucking miserable.
I spent months banging chicks that looked nothing like her. Blondes, redheads, a few girls with pink and blue hair. No one that could remind me of Gigi. I felt nothing but emptiness.
When she came back, I felt alive again. After giving me the business about Ariel, I was done. Gigi was it for me, and I should have told the entire world I was crazy about her.
“I want her back, Cage. I do. I just think...maybe it's best that it’s over. I hurt her. I let her think she was just a temporary thing because it was exciting or forbidden. Gigi could never be temporary for me. I think maybe I should stay away. I fucked up and I hurt her, and that kills me. Gigi doesn’t trust me anymore and she shouldn’t," Emotion poured out of me as I owned up to my shit.
"I lied to you. For fucking years, I looked you in the face and lied. Wanted your little sister every fucking day for years. I love you like my blood. How fucking twisted am I to not only want your sister, who I once considered family, but to lie about it? To not have the balls to tell you? Gigi deserves better than that.” Cage sighed and started to argue, but I couldn’t talk about it anymore.
“Finn, wait. Don’t go get wasted again. Just stay here. Talk to me.” I looked back and when I saw his eyes flicker to the house I figured it out.
“Fuck you, man!” Anger tore through me as I realized he had set me up, “I told you I can barely function right now. So, you pull this shit?” Cage started to head towards me, but I threw my hands out.
Just down the block, I saw Gigi’s little red Prius parking. The girls were laughing and the sound made my chest ache. She was laughing. Not losing it like I was. Out to lunch with her favorite person and not drowning in her pain.
My best friend tried to keep me here long enough to force me to face the girl who broke my heart. Because facing her last time worked out so well. Not that he knew when she came to tell me to fuck off, I fucked her desperately.
Cage had no idea I walked out after she told me she was done. Trashed my place after texting her goodbye one last time. Then wallowed in pain and misery because I fucking loved her and lost her.
“Finn, bro, you know better. Come on just you and me let's go talk. I did not set you up.” Again, his eyes flickered away, giving away his lie, and I laughed.
