Page 87 of Come Apart
"We already established that you weren't fucking Ryan, so it can't be all that bad."
A warm breeze blows over us. We're in such a perfect, beautiful place, but the only thing I can feel is Alyssa's pain.
I point to a bench. She shakes her head and presses her palms against the railing again.
Her eyes are on the ocean. "I did the food challenge."
Fuck.
"I told you to wait for me, Ally. I wanted to be there to help."
She shakes her head.
"I wanted to prove that I could do it myself." She half laughs, though there's no joy in it. "But…"
"What happened?"
"I didn't... I fucked it up." She looks at the ground. Her hands squeeze each other so tightly her knuckles turn white.
She doesn't need me to be mad right now about her not waiting.
Fuck, why didn't she wait?
"You know you can tell me anything."
She nods and takes another sip of her coffee. Her gaze moves back to the beach, to the expanse of sand and ocean.
"I thought it would be okay. I was stressed, but I thought I could handle it."
She takes a long sip from her coffee, her gaze flitting from me to her cup. "I didn't think it would be a big deal. It was just a chocolate bar. It should have been easy. All I had to do was eat a few squares of chocolate and not binge and not purge. Normal people do it every day."
She presses her fingers into her coffee cup.
I offer my hand. She takes it, but she still won't look at me.
"I couldn't stop at two squares. I ate the entire bar. And then I started to panic. I was alone, at Laurie's, and I was only a few blocks from Whole Foods. I didn't really think about it. I only knew that I'd fucked up and I'd have to fix it. And, as long as I had fucked up, I might as well go all the way with it."
She stops, still not looking at me.
"What...?" I don't know how to finish that sentence. I feel a guilt and anger and frustration swirling in my gut.
Why didn't she wait?
"I was walking to the store when I called Angela." Her sponsor. Was she able to help? I feel my hopes rise. "It...helped. I stopped in the parking lot for a while and we just talked. After an hour or so, I was able to turn around and head back home."
"Ally, that's great. You found a way to cope." She finally meets my gaze. "Barely."
"You did," I point out.
She frowns, looking away again. "Maybe."
"You're being too hard on yourself," I admonish. "I'm proud of you."
I don't know if she can really take in those words in her current mental state.
The silence falls around us. There's a soft breeze blowing through the trees. There are footsteps around us, other people walking their dogs or rushing to work. There are cars zipping down the street, honking, rolling their windows down to take in the Pacific Ocean.
"Why didn't you call me?" I ask.
