Page 70 of Come Apart
"I'll be back soon."
"I know. I just miss you. I feel like I'm... I don't know. It sounds pathetic, but I feel like I'm unraveling. I forgot how hard all this is. The production is one thing. It's stressful, but I love it. I love being there in the scene, even if the director is a tyrant or one of the other actors is an asshole. But the rejections, and the reviews, and the meetings... Jesus, the meetings are miserable."
Miserable?
"Have you had any problems?"
"No one has been direct, but I get this sense from so many of these people. I can see the rejection in their eyes the second they introduce themselves. I see them looking at me thinking no, she's not the right kind of woman. And then... I read the comments on this review. And a lot of them were about me. About my body." I should have been there to distract her.
"Don't listen to those idiots. Your body is to die for."
She sighs. "I should have known better." There's not much I can do from here.
Fuck. What are the right words here?
I press the phone into my ear. "It's understandable."
She sighs, lowering her voice to a whisper. "After I read the first one, I couldn't stop. It was just like the reviews. Then, before I knew it, I was sitting in front of the computer and crying like an idiot."
I feel my heart ache for her.
"When was this?"
"Earlier today."
I rub my temples. "Ally, why didn't you call me? You know you can call anytime. I want you to."
"I know."
She takes a deep breath. Like she's calming her nerves. "I don't need you rescuing me every time I'm upset." "You'd rather cry by yourself?"
"You can't shield me from the world. People are going to start threads about how I'm too fat to play a sexy character no matter how close you are to me."
What she's saying is practical and logical. But...
"You're supposed to call me when you feel overwhelmed. That's our deal."
It's in place for a reason.
I worry that it can trigger her eating disorder, and that's a shitty, dangerous spiral I don't want her being sucked into again.
She's quiet for a moment, only breathing. "Okay. Fine. I'll call next time I'm overwhelmed."
"Promise me."
"I promise." Her breath is strained. She shifts again. "Never mind. I want to talk, okay? Can I just talk?"
"Sure."
"It's not like I believe these people. They're just idiots on the Internet. I mean, I wish I had the self-control to ignore them. I swore off the Internet for my first three months out of treatment. It was boring, but it was also kind of peaceful." She takes a deep breath. "This would be easier if you were here."
"You'd just jump me."
She laughs. "True. But after the first three or four times, I'd need a break."
She sounds so warm. So sweet. So okay.
I should be there.
