Page 249 of The Baby Bargain
"You know why." Her eyes meet mine. "You sat there and held me when I cried so many times. You were my light. My rock. The only thing that got me through so many depressive phases."
"I wanted to help."
"I know." Her voice is soft. "But that's not how it works. I have bipolar two. I have a messed up brain. There's no fixing that."
"It wasn't like that."
Her gaze goes to the table. "I know you believe that, Chase. I know you think you wanted to stay by my side, no matter what. But when I'd share my ugly thoughts… you looked so scared. So hurt. Like I'd told you I slept with your best friend." She stares at her tattoo. "I was asking too much of you, and that's on me. I wanted to believe it too. I wanted to believe you were my knight in shining armor."
"I loved you the way you were."
She nodsI know. "But you still thought… you thought I was the princess at the top of the tower. And that's on me too. I believed it too. I let you believe it. We were… we were kids. We didn't know better." She forces herself to look me in the eyes. "Do you remember the day you graduated?"
"I promised I'd do anything to hold you together."
She nodsyeah. "It inspired so many bad poems." She laughs, lost in a memory. "I loved that you loved me like that. I loved that you wanted to kill the demon in my brain."
"You wanted that too."
"More than anything." Her lips purse. "I thought if you loved me, I had to be okay. I had to be worthy. But—"
"It wasn't like that, Grace. Yeah, I wanted to save you. But that wasn't why I loved you."
Her lips curl into a soft smile. "I know."
"We were good sometimes."
She nodstrue. "I still remember that bonfire on Forest's birthday. We snuck away with that blanket. And I dared you to strip and swim."
"We practically caught hypothermia, because we were both too stubborn to admit we were cold."
She laughs. "You told me there was shrinkage and you needed the chance to prove it."
I can't help but laugh. Fuck, I was such a dumb kid. But in the way all kids are dumb.
I thought I could save the world.
"We christened the backseat of my car," I say.
"The first time I… I wasn't very good at it."
"You got the hang of it."
Her smile is soft. "It wasn't just that you wanted to save me. I loved the way you lit up about tattoos. And the way you looked at me when I pushed you. And your total inability to admit how often you read comic books."
"That again?"
She nodsthat again. "But that became bigger and bigger. You wanting to save me. Me wanting to be saved. It held me together sometimes. It did. But when I was having an episode… I felt like I was letting you down."
"You weren't."
"I was. You were disappointed. You were hurt. Maybe you didn't realize it, but you were. You made my mental health your responsibility. I'm not blaming you, Chase. I let you. I wanted you to. For a while… but after… After I tried to kill myself, I had to face a lot of shit." Her eyes meet mine. "I couldn't look you in the eyes anymore. All I saw was fear and disappointment."
I want to deny it, but I can't. She's right. I was terrified. I tried to hide it, but it was everywhere.
"It's sweet that you want to help the people you love. But you can't. People have to save themselves."
"I only wanted to help."
