Page 33 of Bound by Wreckage
The fourteen-year-old girl inside of me is squealing as the adult me arouses beyond belief.
Buck’s were hard and demanding, always taking and never giving. Nox is the opposite.Buck’s touch was always rough and callous, but Nox’s feels like I’m a precious piece of glass being held. There is such a contrast between them, and it hurts deep that Buck robbed me of so many years, not allowing me to live.
He pulls away first, closing his eyes and touching his forehead to mine. That was beautiful. Something I never thought I’d ever have, and Nox gave it to me freely.
“I’m sorry. I…”
My fingers cover my mouth as I take a step back, and embarrassment floods me. He regrets it. He did, it’s now in his eyes. The pain of that rejection is worse than anything that Buck or his friends ever did to me. It’s a pain so deep in my soul that will never be repaired. The black cavern inside of me splits open and bleeds all over.
“Do not finish that statement.”I move away quickly and head to the bathroom. “I’m taking a shower.” Locking the door behind me, I slide down the door until my ass hits the floor as tears spill over onto my cheeks and down them.
I can’t blame him, though. There’s so much mud on me; no man, especially one as kind and wonderful as Nox, would ever want to kiss someone like me.
Used up. That’s exactly what I am. WhatI’ll always be. There’s no way to ever change that. Those marks run so deep that nothing will make them go away. When I think of all the things I had to do at Buck’s demands, it crushes me. I’d never be able to tell someone because they would look at me the way Nox did.
Pity. They’d never be able to see the woman behind it all. The woman lost inside, just trying to keep her head above water.The one who just wanted to feel safe and happy for one damn time since my mother died.
These last few days, Nox gave me security, made me smile, and has taken care of me in a way I haven’t felt since my mother was alive. A way I’ll probably never feel again once he leaves.
Just once I wanted a kiss that meant something—anything. It did for me; for a split second I wasn’t me. I wassomeone who could be loved. I was someone a man wanted, who I wanted in return. Amazing how one split second of your life can change everything.
It keeps happening to me over and over again with no stop in sight.
I’m not even sure what the purpose of my life is. Why I was even born if this was how I’d end up.
The door shakes when Nox pounds on it, making me jump. “Yeah?” Icall out, swiping the tears from my face.
“You okay?”
“Yep.”
I stand up, stripping my clothes off, and jump in the shower. The water is so cold I shiver and wait for it to warm. My head under the spray does nothing to fight back the tears, but at least this way no one can see them.
Life has dealt me a shit hand a few times over, but this is my fresh start—the one I’vewanted for years and it’s in my grasp. Taking it is going to be hard, but it’s a must. I can’t go back to Buck’s, and Nox has to get back to his club.
I have no one to count on but myself.
Stepping back and sucking in air, I make a vow to myself. I will find me. I will be a better me. I will have a life. I will have a sliver of happiness. I will not let my birth continue to be torture.I will make something of myself. Someway somehow—I will.
My mom worked her fingers to the bone when I was little, before she met my stepfather. My real father was never in the picture. There were nights she worked double shifts and I had to take care of myself. It never bothered me one bit.
She’s who I need to pull strength from. She had a kid and still managed to keep a roof overour heads and keep me going to school every day.
It’ll be hard.
It’ll break me at times.
It’ll make me want to surrender.
I won’t give in.
I will find me.
**
Nox waits for me as I come out of the bathroom with a towel around me. In my haste to get away, I forgot clothes; score one for Carsyn, or is it Ava. This is going to be tricky.
“Hey,”I say, moving over to the bag of clothes and pulling some out, not really caring what garments are there.
