Page 17 of Bound by Wreckage
6
Carsyn
The warm waterhits me from every angle as I dip my head in it letting it pound off of me and cascade down to the floor. Funny how even with a shower, I never feel totally clean. Even scrubbing the soap over my body doesn’t work, and I gave up trying years ago.
Buck wants me dressed and ready to entertain in an hour. He didn’t give me any specifics, but whatever it is, I know I’ll hate.
Thoughts of Nox crash into my mind as I close my eyes. The way his warmth felt on my skin. The look of concern in his eyes that were practically pleading for me to take his help.
I’ve thought about it. A lot over the last four days.
The problemis once I get out then what? I have no job. I have no experience in anything. I don’t even have my high school diploma because Buck wouldn’t let me leave to go to school.
There is no money at all, and every piece of my clothing I’d burn. Then there’s the fact that I would be completely alone, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Buck has been such an integral part in my life that I’mnot sure I know how to live if he’s not there. Not that I couldn’t, but the fear that he’d show is always in the back of my mind.
Nox didn’t say anything about fixing any of those things—just getting me out. While that’s great and all, I’ll have nothing. No food. No clothes. No bed to sleep in. Nowhere to turn and no plan as to what’s next.
So what? It’s better than sleeping in Buck’sbed.
My stomach churns because I know my thoughts are right, but I can’t seem to find myself picking up the phone he gave me and making the call. I even brought it into Buck’s room, pulling up a floorboard in the corner under a heavy bookshelf and putting it in there.
I’m a coward.
It’s one of many things I hate about myself now.
But it’s just not as easy as leaving.There are so many ramifications to this decision. Buck won’t go down without looking everywhere for me, but maybe, just maybe, I could get a small piece of time by myself.
Hope blooms once again, and I stuff it down. That isn’t going to get me anywhere tonight.
Getting out of the shower, I set forth on making myself look desirable in the way that Buck likes. With each stroke of themascara, bile rolls around in my stomach.
Even without a job, I could find one out there.
But I couldn’t use my ID or Buck would find me.
Why are there walls at every turn? Why can’t this work? Maybe because it was never meant to be.
I search in the back of the closet for the four-inch red platform heels that are Buck’s favorite. His clothes are on the bottom rack whilemine are on the top. Our shoes are combined at the bottom, and it’s been a long time since I’ve worn these heels. If his expectation is for me to dress up, then I need to get it right from top to toe.
On my knees, I move shoes out of my way searching. They’re in here because no way Buck would throw them away. Digging under Buck’s clothes, I’m careful not to knock any off because puttingthem back will take more time.
Time is never my friend.
A sharp pain hits the top of my finger, and I pull it out quickly seeing a drop of blood coming off of it. Sticking it in my mouth, the metallic taste fills it.
What the hell is back there?
Pushing a hole in the clothes, a metal box lays there with dirt dusting the top. I’ve cleaned out this closet many times,but never have I seen this. Tugging it out, I flip open the latch surprised it’s not locked.
My heart squeezes as the air leaves my body. On top is a picture of my mother and I, smiling at the camera. Her arm is around my shoulders, and the look of pride crosses her features. She’s so beautiful, and I miss those eyes. The ones that comforted me and gave me strength growing up to be whoI was, never conforming to what others thought.
A tear threatens to leave my eye, and I push it back not wanting to mess up my makeup and have to redo it.
There are letters. Lots of letters. Some addressed to me. Some addressed to Buck—all opened at the top. Pulling the first one addressed to me out, I read.
Carsyn,
I watchedyou sleep last night all curledup in your pink and white covers with your little nightlight giving you a soft glow. You looked like an angel, especially when you gave the soft smiles while you were in your dreams.
