Page 4 of Needing to Fall
She moved closer, my pulling away having zero effect on her. “Honey, I’m not saying this to hurt you. I just think it could help you. You never got to say good-bye.”
Tears streamed down my face. There was no point in trying to hold them back, because they would fall, regardless. Ugly sobs threatened to break from me. My chest was so tight it felt as if ropes were around me, squeezing the life out of me, the coarseness of it shredding my insides.
It was true. I had never said good-bye to Drew. The moment Mr. Peterson dragged Drew’s lifeless body out of my door then shut it was the last time I laid eyes on him. When I tried to follow, Mr. Peterson pointed his gun at me and threatened to shoot me, too. I wished he had. Then I could be with Drew and not rotting in a life that meant nothing to me. The pain would have melted in that moment, instead.
For the second time, I said, “I can’t.”
After Mr. Peterson came back, beat the shit out of me, and told me he was dead, I packed everything I owned, which was next to nothing, and ran away. I couldn’t look back; it hurt too much.
For almost a year of my life, I drifted. Each moment of those days, I wished Drew and I would have just run away, not caring where we would go or what we would encounter. Then he would at least be by my side, and I wouldn’t be so alone I couldn’t bear it.
Not once since his death had I ever thought of going to Drew’s gravesite. Some sick, twisted part of me didn’t want to let go of those last moments I saw him and replace them with him under the ground. I couldn’t help what rolled around in my head.
It was demented to think seeing him die before my eyes was more comforting than seeing him buried. It was almost like, if he was buried, all the memories I had of him would be gone, too. I would lose what little I had of him even more.
I shook my head. I couldn’t think of this.
“No,” I said on a choked sob.
“Honey.” She rubbed up and down my arm, trying to comfort me, but for the first time in a long time, her touch felt like sandpaper scraping my skin, so I pulled away.
“I think it’ll be good for you to say your good-byes. It will help you close this door of your life so you can go on living.”
My head snapped to her. “You think I want to be like this? You think this is fun? I hate my life. Hate it! I wish that asshole would have takenmeinstead of Drew or even with him, but he didn’t. Going to see Drew buried six-feet under isn’t going to make any of this go away. What if I don’t want to close the door on that part of my life? It’s like closing the door on Drew. I won’t do it!” If anything, I thought, it would bring back too much, and then the already deep pit I was in would open and suck me fully in. But maybe that’s what I needed. I needed to fall and just be done with everything.
“No. You were given a second chance.”
What?
“What!” The word came out full of rage and accusation. “You think this life is my second chance? You’ve got to be shitting me!” I jumped from the couch, my legs getting their function back due to my need for space from Andi. The room felt as if no oxygen was in it, and I was suffocating from lack of breath. The panic, the anguish, the emotions all consumed me in a rush. I felt as if I were under a powerful waterfall as the pounding flow crashed over me, pinning me down, keeping me helpless under the water. The weight of the emotions was drowning me.
She stood and followed me, obviously not getting the hint. “Reign, it is. You have a chance to live a life that you were meant to. Do you think Drew would want you to live in this hollow forever?”
As if the air in the room wasn’t strained enough, her words were a sucker punch to the gut. The room began to spin, and I gripped the chair in front of me to steady myself.
“Breathe,” Andi instructed.
It took everything in my power to make myself do that small task because what she said was true. Drew would hate what I had turned into. He would be disappointed in me, and that was one thing I never wanted. Ever.
As more tears spilled, Andi wrapped her arms around my body, and I went willingly, crying on her shoulder.
After what felt like forever and was probably an hour, I was all cried out. We moved to my bed where Andi easily climbed in beside me. She lay with me, the sounds of her even breathing lulling me into a restless sleep that left me waking groggy and aching.
Would I ever know what real rest felt like?
Two weeks of waitressing during the day and tending bar at night kept me busy. Two weeks of thinking about nothing but what Andi said that night I fell asleep in her arms after crying. I didn’t want her to be right. I didn’t want what she had said to be true. I didn’t want to say good-bye. Then it was final. Then it was over. Then what would I do? Nothing would change in my life. I would still miss him every day. I would still mourn him. What would going to his grave prove?
The sad thing was, in my gut, I knew she was right. I didn’t know how I knew; I just did.
“Reign.” A deep voice from across the bar called my name.
I turned and my nerves sparked to life. They shouldn’t. I had called Trey in for help. He was a regular in the bar, and he was also a man who knew how to get information.
Stupid me. I tried googling Drew Lewis’ name but got nowhere. Thousands of searches popped up, and looking through each one became too much for me. None of them were my Drew, so I sucked it up and pulled in Trey.
“Trey,” I greeted, wiping down the bar then grabbing his usual longneck, popping the top and placing it in front of him.
He winked, and I just barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes.
