Page 28 of Needing to Fall
I opened my eyes to see Nurse Hatchet bent down, her eyes shimmering and a small smile playing on her lips.
“We need to do this now,” she told me.
Reluctantly, I released Andi. I smiled when she gave me another strong squeeze before letting me go fully.
When I looked at her, I couldn’t stop a small smile from forming. She was a hot mess: snot down her face; eyes red, almost to the point of swollen; and tear stains all the way down her cheeks. However, it was her eyes that caught me. They were filled with something I couldn’t put my finger on yet wanted to know.
Tissues were pushed in front of my face from Nurse Hatchet’s waiting hand, and I snatched them just as Andi did. I was covered with the same as Andi and had to wipe myself clean. The nurse then handed us the garbage can and we disposed of the tissues, neither of us saying anything.
I was scared down to my toes that she would hate me, that the things I had said to her couldn’t be unsaid. I was terrified what we had built—the friendship, sisterhood—was lost. I couldn’t handle another blow, especially that one.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, which caused tears to well back into Andi’s eyes. “I…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
My whole intention on opening my figurative doors was to get the hell out of here so I could end the voices, end the hurt, but I couldn’t tell her that, and I didn’t know if that was the truth anymore, not after the talks with Lynx, Nurse Hatchet—hell, even opening up to the doctor. I didn’t know anymore if that was what my plan needed to be. I also didn’t know how to pull myself out of it, how to stop it without going through with it. Subsequently, I wouldn’t lie to her.
“I’m a mess,” I told her.
She sat in the chair that Lynx normally sat in; except, this time, the two chairs were facing each other in front of the doctor’s desk. The only place we could look was at each other, and as painful as it was to see her so hurt, I didn’t take my eyes away from her because I had caused that. I had made her hurt. I deserved to see that.
“Reign, I didn’t know what else to do.” She shook her head, a tear rolling down her now pale cheek. “When you…”
“I know. It’s—”
“Stop,” the doctor said, interrupting me.
I turned to glare at him. Wasn’t this what he wanted? For us to talk this shit out? Why was he interrupting?
“Reign, you need to let her talk. Let her tell you what she needs to say. She deserves that much.”
That took the wind out of my sails. The little prick was right; I did owe her that and so much more.
I said nothing, only nodded and turned back to Andi.
“Go ahead,” the doctor prompted Andi while Nurse Hatchet took another chair off to the side by the wall. I guessed all was calm and we didn’t need reinforcements so much anymore.
“When I told you to find Drew’s grave”—my heart sank at her opening—“I didn’t know that you would find this. If I had known, I’d have never said it. I swear.”
I made a noise to start talking, but the doctor cleared his throat in a small reprimand. It cost me to keep my lips zipped, but I did it. I only nodded at Andi for her to go on.
“I never thought he would be alive. I only thought that you could say good-bye to him, give yourself some closure so you could live your life instead of being locked up so tight.”
She twisted her fingers this way and that, obviously nervous, and if I wasn’t mistaken, scared. “When you came home and cried and cried and cried, I didn’t know what to do. I called my parents, asking them, and they didn’t really know how to help, either. The only thing they told me was, if I was that scared, then I should take you to the hospital. I did the best I could without going there because I knew you hated them.”
And she had. I knew she had, but at the time, I was so lost that I couldn’t put those pieces together. After all the shit she had done for me, she should get a fucking medal.
Her tears began to flow more quickly. “When I walked in and saw you holding the gun … I knew I couldn’t help. I knew you were so sad, so lost, and I didn’t have the power or the strength to get you back. I wasn’t going to see you dead on the floor.” Her tears became heavier.
I wanted to go to her and give her comfort, but I didn’t feel like I should.
“I know you hate me, but the fact you’re sitting across from me, breathing, is why I did it. But I don’t want you to hate me.” She sobbed, covering her face with her hands.
Fuck it.
I got up, knelt before her, and put my hands on her knees. She removed her hands to stare down at me. The grief and pain etched in every line of her face were like daggers piercing me slowly in and out.
“I was pissed,” I whispered, and she nodded. “I said some things I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry.” I grabbed her hands and clutched them between mine. “I hated that you put me in here, but in a twisted way, I get it.” And I really did. Lynx was right. “I still hate it here,” I said softly. “But I’m getting out soon.”
Hope sprang in Andi’s eyes.
